The Scribe and Mouse

Unplanned Hiatus

2010-12-16T13:38:00.001-08:00

Hey everyone,

Just popping in quickly to let you know that a potentially big and important (to me) project has come up (sorry, can't really talk about it yet), and the time I would be able to devote to blogging is probably better spent focusing on writing that, instead. It won't be forever. I will return. Just don't think I've forgotten you.

Cheers,
Eli

PSA: Tangled Is Much Better Than You Think It Will Be

2010-11-24T22:34:00.000-08:00

Ok, full disclosure - I work for the Walt Disney Company. That said, I work in television, and how a film does at the box office has little or no bearing on my job. I am an unabashed fan of Disney, but I don't blindly love everything they put out (I haven't enjoyed a CGI Disney animated film that wasn't made by Pixar, for example). There. That's out of the way.

I'll start with my point - Go see Tangled. Seriously.

Now the details. Melissa and I got the chance to see a preview screening of the movie last weekend. Neither one of us was all that interested in the movie based on the trailers. I was sure it was another attempt to feel "hip" and "young," the exact kind of thing I hate in cartoons. There is no surer way to make a bad movie than to try and make something specifically for kids. Look at Pixar - kids love their movies, but they are truly aimed at adults (except maybe Cars; I don't know many people over the age of 10 who got much out of that one). Kids may enjoy a hip, loud, "in your face" movie in the moment, but like everyone else, it's emotion and character that they really connect with. From what I'd been shown, Tangled looked like a movie that kids would forget five minutes after they left the theater. I am here to tell you I was wrong.

Tangled feels so much like a classic Disney musical that it's hard not to love every minute of it. When I first learned it would be a CGI project, I was bummed out because the hand drawn concept art had been so damn gorgeous. Well, it turns out CG (and even 3D) are used downright beautifully and I never found myself wishing it was a traditionally animated movie. The main characters are rich and lovable and the villain is a masterpiece of passive-aggression that evolves into true aggression. The two animal "sidekicks" effectively steal the show (in the best way possible). The story is a nice twist on a classic fairy tale and engaging throughout. And the songs! I enjoyed The Princess and the Frog, but Randy Newman's lackluster music held it back from being a great movie. Alan Menken is in classic form. Melissa and I recently saw his adaptation of Leap of Faith at the Ahmanson and were mostly disappointed. Clearly his creative efforts went into this movie. I left the theater dazzled and enchanted.

So, if you've been watching the commercials and writing Tangled off as another Shrek clone that will make you cringe with every attempt to cram a catchphrase down your throat, trust me - you couldn't be further from the truth. Tangled is a kind of movie that I haven't seen from Disney (again, excluding Pixar) in a long time - Magical. Go see it. Now.

Cheers,
Eli

Keep On Truckin' (Yeah, That's the Best I Got)

2010-11-12T13:49:00.000-08:00

If your city is anything like LA (and if you live in LA, it is very much like LA), then it has recently become infested with gourmet food trucks. I follow about a dozen trucks on Twitter, and if any of them are near somewhere I'm planning to be, I'll go check it out. And if you're here, you're curious what I think about them, so buckle up!

The Flying Pig Truck:
This was the first truck to catch my attention, largely because they serve pork belly sandwiches. Pork belly is what they use to make bacon, so I support it fully. After several false starts when they were supposed to be at my office (leading me to fruitlessly scour the neighborhood), I caught up with them at the Unique LA arts & crafts fair. Unfortunately, being an indoor event, the truck wasn't there, just a table. The truck and I crossed paths at the fantastic Meltdown Comics in West Hollywood.

On the left is the aforementioned Pork Belly Bun sandwich. The flatbread is a very nice touch, and I highly recommend anything you find that uses braised pork belly. To your right is the duck taco. The flavors are somewhat Asian inspired, with a hint of Mexican fusion. In short - delicious. They use something that they call Death Sauce and I want to put it on everything I eat for the rest of my life. It's not as spicy as its name would imply, but it bursts with flavor and really compliments the food. I have been to several trucks since the Flying Pig and it remains in my top two or three. Rating - Always Visit When Nearby.

The Grilled Cheese Truck:
This is almost certainly the most popular truck I've encountered. I've been twice and both times waited nearly an hour in line to order (Melissa went once with her sister and apparently the line wasn't as bad, but that was a weekday). Once they were part of a food truck event on the Disney Lot where their line was twice as long as everyone else's. The second time was at the anniversary party for Noho Scooters, which is literally two blocks from my apartment (and has vintage arcade machines including Tron, and I NEVER KNEW! How does that happen?), making it the closest one of these things has ever come to home. Somehow, I've managed to avoid taking a picture of the truck itself, but here's my sandwich of choice, the Cheesy Mac and Rib:
That's a grilled cheese, with mac & cheese and barbecue pork ribs. I posted this to Facebook at the time saying, "I waited an hour and a half for this, it better be the best sandwich I've ever had...you got lucky." That pretty much sums it up. It's like this truck took everything good in food and put it in one sandwich. It's greasy and probably terrible for me, but I love it. Their dessert grilled sandwich (banana and Nutella) is worth ordering, as well. Find them. Wait in line. Eat it. You're welcome. Rating - Will Go Out of My Way to Eat There

The Slice Truck:
The Slice Truck is a pizza truck. I ate there when they came by the office as a thank you for Camp Rock 2 doing well or something. I had a good slice of pepperoni and an excellent thick slice of kind of a white pizza white heirloom tomatoes. Very good, not much to write home about. Rating - If I see them 20 feet away and was hungry, I'd go again.

Frysmith:

I've been following Frysmith for quite a while, and I ran into them at the Farmer's Market at the Americana in Glendale completely by accident. As you can see, it's cool that they run their truck on their own fry oil, which seems like both good for the environment AND good business. Good for them. I had the special, which was a Canadian specialty called a poutine. I think a poutine is basically fries and gravy with cheese curds. This one had a burgundy wine gravy and bacon in addition to the cheese.
If that doesn't sound and look delicious to you, you are wrong. You should probably just find another blog to read. I think there's another one or two out on the internet. I can't speak for the rest of the Frysmith menu, but this was one hell of a dish. Rating: Would like to try again.

Border Grill Truck:
See the previous post. It was great, but I don't feel like talking about it again. Rating - Would Go To Some Length to Hunt Them Down.
The Greasy Wiener:
Man, these guys love the pun in their name and they play it up. I found them down by Warner Brothers one day at lunch. You guys know I love hot dogs and I'm incredibly picky about them. The dog here was pretty good, but I buried it in a heart attack of toppings. I had the chili cheese bomb - a hot dog wrapped in bacon, covered in chili, and essentially dipped in melted cheese. Hard to argue with that. The highlight, though, was actually the sliders, which they called Iggys.

I've had plenty of sliders in my time, and these were very high quality. No White Castle paper thin cardboard patty here. These reminded me of tiny In N Out burgers, nice and thick and very flavorful. Rating - Oh, Are They Nearby? I Guess I Could Go For That.

KO Taco:
I saw KO Taco once at Meltdown. I tried three or four different things. They were essentially just tacos and taquitos. Meh. Rating - Don't Care If I See Them Again.

So you can get an idea of some of the variety of truck that's out there. And in a city like LA, many of them (like the Border Grill Truck) are run by actual gourmet chefs. I know it's kinda hipstery and lame to follow a food truck, but the food is really worth it. It's a little pricey for fast food ($10/person on average) but that's damn cheap for true gourmet. So check it out sometime; try something new and different without breaking the bank. That's all I've got. I'm out 'til next time.

Cheers,
Eli

Susan Feniger Fiesta

2010-11-10T14:00:00.000-08:00

Ok, I'm done with catching up with my cooking. I do have a bunch of other food pictures on my computer waiting to be uploaded, but it's not gonna happen. Waiting to upload these is just another excuse to not update the blog. So, I'm moving forward. Highlights that I won't be covering - a beautiful cold avocado and cucumber soup served in a red bowl with sour cream and hot sauce (probably the prettiest picture I've taken, and I loved the flavor, too) and Tom Colicchio's sirloin steak (which is a pretty picture, but that's because you can't tell I overcooked it by trusting cooking times in the recipe more than my sense of touch). So let's just put it all behind us and enjoy reading my blog again.

I mentioned in my last post (when was that, 1996?) that Melissa and I have been going to a lot of fancy-type restaurants. Well, I may have found a favorite local chef (my favorite chef overall is Rick Bayless. The meal I had at Frontera Grill in Chicago was life-changingly good, and his Red O here in LA is a favorite, as well). Susan Feniger (who you may know from Top Chef Masters or Too Hot Tamales) has several restaurants in LA, and I can now say I've been to all of them. Each was a delightful experience in its own way.

The first we tried (also really the start of the whole fancy-type restaurant thing for us) was Ciudad. Ciudad doesn't exist anymore. Just last month it transformed into a new Border Grill location (more on BG (Border Grill, not Battlestar Galactica (that parenthetical defeats the purpose of abbreviating)) below). But while it existed, Ciudad was a fun, quirky place to try some unique, modern Mexican-inspired dishes. We went on a Sunday, which was tapas night. Basically the menu was reduced down to tasting plates. The memorable dishes for me were my first ceviche (later eclipsed by the divine ceviche at Frontera Grill) and the local farmer's market salad. The salad was watermelon and mozzarella with balsamic vinegar and some kind of green. I wouldn't have expected the flavors to go together, but it was fresh and sweet and wonderful. Honestly this dinner was long enough ago that I couldn't tell you much more about it, other than that I enjoyed it.

Much more recently, we tried Street. Street is Feniger's tribute to world-wide street food. It has an eclectic menu of dishes you'll probably never see anywhere else in this country. The menu changes quite a bit, but when we were there we had a great spicy sashimi and a Thai coconut soup that I liked a lot. The restaurant's signature dish, and easily my favorite, is the Kaya Toast. This is toast spread with coconut jam (kaya, a Pacific island staple, if I'm not mistaken - no, I'm not going to look it up), then dipped into egg yolk and soy sauce. It's impossible to describe how good this is. Find it somewhere and try it. Trust me. I also discovered my new favorite drink - The Sazerac. This is a New Orleans classic and a favorite of several authors from the turn of the 20th Century. Because it's made with absinthe, it was hard to come by until recently. Essentially, it's the same as a Manhattan, but with absinthe instead of vermouth. Rye/bourbon, absinthe, and bitters - it's smooth, it's sweet, and it feels damn classy. I ordered three (which was expensive, and I didn't care). Speaking of expensive, like Bazaar, Street focuses on small plates. We ordered WAY too many of them. Everything on the menu looked good, so we just kept ordering. I was overstuffed and broke by the time I left. Still, this was my favorite Feniger experience and I will go back frequently.

Our next stop was the Feniger Flagship - Border Grill (or as I like to call it, Battlestar Galactica (if you don't get that joke, you should probably read this more carefully). Honestly, it was my least favorite of the three. Not that it was bad, by any means, but it was the one I tried most recently, and nothing about the meal really stands out in my head. Everything was good, but I guess it wasn't as unique as I had hoped. It should be noted that we visited for DineLA week and were ordering from a limited Prix Fixe menu, so we may not have had the best the restaurant could offer. I'll try it again, probably at the downtown location that used to be Ciudad sometime before I see a show at the Ahmanson or the Disney Concert Hall. If nothing else, the atmosphere was fun and festive.

Finally, just this past weekend, I finally got to experience the Border Grill Truck. Cashing in on the food truck craze in LA (more in a future post. Possibly...TOMORROW???), this is a scaled-down version of the Border Grill that travels around the city. Oddly enough, I liked it WAY more than the actual restaurant. I had a cone of ceviche (the cone was crunchy tortilla) for $5 and an avocado taco (don't know what spice it was covering the avocado, but I loved it). Melissa had a poblano quesadilla and I take her word for it that it was delicious. The ceviche was very flavorful and served with black bean dip. It's hard to remember that ceviche, fancy fare in the states, is actually a street food in most parts of the world. But if you need a real reason to hunt down this truck, I give you two words: Churro Tots. That's right, little tater tot shaped churros. And they're filled with dulce de leche. And with fresh whipped cream for dipping. And coated in cinnamon. And they're all chewy in the middle, instead of crunchy like you usually get (this is either Spanish or Mexican style, I think, I don't know which is which). Delicious. I also had a mango soda, one of those Mexican sodas that you always see and never drink. You should drink them. They're good.

And that's all the time I have for today. I'll be back (...TOMORROW??? Maybe).

Cheers,
Eli

How Bazaar

2010-09-15T14:27:00.000-07:00

For my birthday, Melissa took me out to a restaurant I've wanted to try for a while - Bazaar by Jose Andres. Jose is a kind of a big deal in the restaurant world and I've heard a lot of good buzz about Bazaar. Mostly I was intrigued at the prospect of molecular gastronomy - using science and chemicals to create new and interesting flavors and textures. This is the kind of place that would probably close within five minutes of opening in Iowa and the townspeople might accuse the chef of witchcraft.

The restaurant felt maybe a little too hip inside. It was Beverly Hills, after all. There was quirky art and statues displayed in unexpected places and most of the customers felt like they were trying to be something. You get used to this in LA. Upon being seated, we were presented with rather large menus and wine lists. I went straight for the craziest drink I could find. I don't recall the name, but it was a rum-based drink, inspired by a Cuban classic (not a mojito, but it tasted a bit like one). Not crazy, you say? Just wait, says I! The drink was frozen with liquid nitrogen, making it more like an alcoholic sorbet. On top of it all, they prepared it at your table.
Sitting at the table and looking up at the guy making this thing, it was like having a mad scientist for a bar tender. The smoke (steam? what is it that liquid nitrogen makes?) pouring over the counter was enchanting. The drink? Well, a little strong, but pretty tasty and refreshing.

The main menu was basically a series of tapas. It was divided into two sides - traditional and new. The traditional side was, as you would expect, traditional Spanish-inspired dishes. We had a few of them and they were quite well done. None of them stand out in my mind nearly a month later, though. It was the New section that I had come to try and it was those dishes that really stood out. We ordered in about 3 batches, five or six tapas each.

The first batch had an order of sweet potato chips with a whipped yogurt dipping sauce. The dipping sauce was absolutely phenomenal. I wish I knew what else was in it because it was the perfect compliment to sweet potatoes.
The little waffle cones in the above picture contain, if memory serves, a small amount of ceviche. It was nothing compared to the ceviche we had at Rick Bayless's Frontera in Chicago, but it was still quite good. The only complaint was that there wasn't enough of it. The giant Q-tips are something that everyone had recommended, but no one could describe - foie gras cotton candy. I didn't really know what to expect, but no phrase could better describe molecular gastronomy for me than "foie gras cotton candy." Essentially, it was sugar spun around a hunk of foie gras. The cotton candy itself was very sweet, though mostly flavorless, and the foie gras was so rich and savory...it was a very nice compliment. It was an odd taste sensation, but very satisfying.

Another standout in my mind was the "Caprese Salad" pictured at left. That looks pretty typical, but the experience was anything but. You see, those balls of mozzarella are not what they appear to be. They're not just little hunks of cheese. They are some kind of thing that Bazaar calls a "Spherification." It's some kind of chemical gel formed into a ball that will burst in your mouth. These were filled with a molten mozzarella that just oozed into your mouth as soon as it hit the tongue. It was sort of what they referred to on The Simpsons as "a tasty fake." Your eyes expect one texture and it sucker punches you with liquid cheese. Very cool. There were also a lot of "re-imaginings" or deconstructions of dishes. We had an order of the "Philly Cheese Steak." These were thin slices of wagyu beef (the American version of kobe) on top of what the restaurant called "air bread." Essentially, this was a crusty, pastry-like bread puffed with air, sort of like an un-filled, high-end Hot Pocket. Inside of this bread was a very sharp cheddar cheese, once again, liquefied. The way that cheese poured out of the bread into my mouth was strange and wonderful.

Of course, sometimes it really felt like the chef was trying to hard. Most notably, the shrimp cocktail. The menu described the dish as "Just a Shrimp Cocktail (Yeah, right!)." Naturally, I wanted to see what this snide menu item was. Well, here you go:
What you are looking at is 2 individual shrimp (it came with 4 total) skewered on a pipette filled with cocktail sauce. The waiter instructed us to put the shrimp in our mouths, then squeeze the pipette. Really? That's your "new take" on the shrimp cocktail? Don't get me wrong, the cocktails sauce was spicy and some of the best I've tasted, but just give it to me in a dish with a handful of shrimp like a normal person. Paying $10 for 4 shrimp is just insanity.

By this time in the evening, our waiter had literally disappeared. He had been all over the table for most of the evening, but he was gone. He even forgot to bring out one of the plates we had ordered. I didn't care. I'd ordered my second drink and was feeling pretty full, anyway. The drink was a Dirty Martini, Bazaar-style. Ketel One vodka (my personal choice), topped with an olive foam and garnished with a spherification of olive (much like the mozzarella cheese mentioned above, kind of like a melty gummy olive). Nice, but heavier on olive flavoring than I usually prefer. My fault for ordering a dirty martini. Anyway, the waiter showed up and we asked for dessert. We were led away from our table and into a dessert lounge, where we could choose from any number of candies and cakes. Melissa had a cupcake and we had an interesting passion fruit jelly, but the candies were the most fun and fantastic. There were lemon lime rocks, which had a delightful sparkle and texture and, my favorite, chocolate covered Pop Rocks. I think they were raspberry flavored. They looked like Cocoa Pebbles but exploded (chocolate covering does not stop the Rocks from Poppin') with a berry flavor. Combined with teas and coffee, it was a nice way to end the meal.

Bazaar provided me with an eating experience I'd never had before. For the most part, the flavors and textures I tried were exciting and delicious. However, I'm not sure I would want to eat this style of food very often. I got pretty bad heartburn that I blame on the chemicals used to create the mad genius on the plate. Plus, so much of the food is foamy and liquefied that it doesn't feel terribly satisfying (though it is certainly filling). I think everyone should try a place like this at least once, but most of the time I'd rather have more "normal" food.

Cheers,
Eli

Catching Up With the Chef (Part 2)

2010-08-20T13:50:00.000-07:00

Ok, once more. With feeling.

As I've mentioned in a couple of previous posts, I'm a big fan of (Top Chef producer/head judge) Tom Colicchio. At least, I'm as much of a fan as you can be of a chef whose food you've never eaten (his restaurant Craft is at the top of my "fancy restaurants to visit next" list). I like his demeanor on the show and thoroughly enjoy his blog on the Top Chef official website. He's smart, well-written, and funny when he wants to be. I also adore the approach of his cookbook - Think Like a Chef. It's designed to train a person in the basic techniques of cooking and how to pair foods based on the freshest ingredients available. It's a fantastic text book that reads more like a friend giving you advice.

The first section in Tom's book is all about roasting. He tells you the basic steps (brown on the stove, cook in low heat, baste, rest) and then presents a few recipes to show how those steps are adapted for different dishes. The first recipe was a chicken. I've covered roasting chicken before, and this method didn't provide many new experiences, other than learning how to truss a chicken (note - if you are looking for butcher's twine at Target, it is in the automotive section for some reason). Next up is a roasted bass. Now, bass apparently isn't in season because I can't seem to find it anywhere around here (not even Whole Foods, which does have Chilean Sea Bass, but that's not REALLY bass, it's Patagonian Tooth Fish), but Tom says any firm fleshed fish will work. I went with salmon because it was the only one of his suggestions I could find. I got one of the thickest salmon filets I've ever bought (I admit, I often buy frozen, not fresh) and seasoned it as suggested. One of the revelations I've had from Tom's book is kosher salt. I'd always used iodized and upgraded to sea salt for the fancy stuff. Now, almost every dish I serve contains coarse kosher salt. It's like a magic potion that makes things delicious. It adds a crunch and the flavor is perfectly suited to classy cooking - salty without being overpowering. The fish came out wonderfully rich and oily to the point of literally melting in my mouth. Fish is touchy, but this one came out perfect:
I also used a recipe from later in the book for pan-roasted asparagus. I didn't follow it too carefully, just got the gist of it and seasoned it with what I had on hand. That happened to be sage. In case you were wondering, sage and butter go VERY nicely with asparagus. The roasting softened the vegetable but kept it firm enough to still be pleasant. I was very proud of my ability to not stay married to a recipe and create something that was quite delicious using my own instincts and experience.

I'm also a big fan of Jamie Oliver. His "Food Revolution" is a cause I fully support and I use his 20 Minute Meals iPhone app quite a lot. His recipes are simple, healthy, and still very flavorful. My first experience with his recipes came from a card I picked up during the Food & Wine Festival at Disneyland. Pretty basic - spaghetti and tomato sauce. I've been looking to move away from jarred, store-bought pasta sauces, so it was a natural choice. I was a little disappointed that the recipe called for canned tomatoes, but I went with it. I was also introduced to a Jamie Oliver favorite - the red chile. I have made five of his recipes so far, and they have ALL called for a sliced red chile. I appreciate the kick it gives to his food (especially this pasta sauce). This dish came out well enough that I made it twice. Fresh basil can really add a lot of flavor to anything.
One chef I know next to nothing about is Cat Cora. I know she's an Iron Chef America, but I've never watched an episode where the contestant chose her. I know she's supposed to be doing a series of web videos with the Muppets, but I haven't seen any of them released. Other than that, all I knew was that she had made an appearance at the same Food & Wine Festival I mentioned above. Obviously, someone who appears at Disneyland can't be all bad. I saw the recipe she had prepared for the festival online - Greek Sliders with Sweet Potato Fries. Sounds good to me!

Apparently Cat is a Greek Southerner and that inspires her cooking. I'm a sucker for Greek food, so I was already on board. I don't know where to buy slider buns, so I just cut up some focacia rolls:The burgers came out fine. I don't remember much about them, specifically. They were basically a smaller version of the burgers I've made and grilled many times before. The tzatziki was perfect. Greek yogurt and the flavors that it is infused with are just music in my mouth. I don't know why. I have no Greek heritage and I don't having any great memories of Greek food; I just love it. It was a nice twist on an American classic, and I devoured it.

I also devoured the fries. I've tried several recipes for sweet potato fries and they normally come out mushy and a little under flavored. The technique for these didn't seem that different than what I had tried before (season, coat in olive oil, bake), but these ones came out perfectly crispy, the way you would expect a french fry from a fast food restaurant to feel. I used to pepper to give them a little kick and for some reason they were absolutely perfect. Maybe I have to pay more attention to Cat Cora from now on.

That's all for now. More catching up soon.

Cheers!
Eli

Flat Bottom Tacos You Make the Rockin' World Go 'Round

2010-07-27T14:12:00.001-07:00

Ok, a quick diversion based on my latest food revelation. For years, nay DECADES, one great problem has plagued our dinner plates. Too often we find ourselves trying to fill a hard shell taco, only to have it tip over and spill its contents mid-preparation. I don't need to describe the terror and utter dismay as you watch the intended toppings come spilling out from their fried tortilla bounds - The mudslide of ground beef, the cascades of cheese, and each piece of diced tomato tumbling down like a boulder crushing your heart. It's every home cook's worst nightmare and we've all experienced it. It's ok, you can admit it. This is a safe place. Now, enter our hero:

Old El Paso Stand 'n' Stuff Taco Shells (note - the official name is "Stand 'n Stuff," but that second apostrophe should be there, so I added it). I saw these perched upon my grocer's shelf and reached for them with trembling hand. Had they really done it? Was this golden box my holy grail? Well, Taco Fans (ie- everyone), I can proudly report that the good people at Old El Paso have indeed done the impossible. Taco night no longer must be a stress-inducing event. These shells have a flat bottom so they STAND UP ON YOUR PLATE. I filled four of them at the same time, and no tippage occurred. This great riddle of the dinner plate has at last been solved.

Sure, there have been solutions before. Stands and racks have been created to hold your taco as you prepare, but these devices were more at home in a medieval torture chamber than a respectable person's kitchen. They were clumsy and inelegant - the blaster to the Stand 'n' Stuff's lightsaber. These shells are a clean and easy solution to a problem as old as time itself (I'm pretty sure I saw a picture of Edward the Confessor spilling his taco on the Bayeux Tapestry).

And so I urge Old El Paso - release the copyright on these marvelous inventions. Let the rest of the world manufacture the miracle of the flat-bottomed taco. You can't cure cancer and then not share the vaccine with the rest of the world. It's just not the way things should be done.

Maybe one of your competitors could solve the nagging problems that the Stand 'n' Stuff currently presents. They're extra wide, so the temptation to fill with more toppings far beyond healthy is great. Also, the width and shape leave the taco more susceptible to splitting in twain and a little harder to eat from an ergonomic standpoint.

But these problems don't detract on the majesty that is the upright taco. Thank you, Old El Paso, for making the world a better place.

Cheers,
Eli

Catching Up With the Chef (Part 1)

2010-07-22T13:23:00.000-07:00

Yeah, yeah, I know I'm not a "chef" but I cook. And I drew that "Chef Eli" thing ages ago. You know, this thing:

Ok, well, I haven't posted anything about cooking recently, so here's a bit of a catchup on some of the fancier things I've made from cookbooks and whatnot.

Not long after I finished Selzer & Smuckles (the cooking, not the final blog post 6 and a half years later) I wanted to try something a little easier. I have a Trader Joe's cookbook that provided us with a nice lasagna with garlic bread. Nothing too fancy here, just a vegetable lasagna and a simple Italian bread. You know what, I apologize for bringing this up. There's no real story here. It's lasagna and garlic bread; I've done these things before. Everyone has. Melissa and I were watching a trio of Scorcese movies (Goodfellas, Raging Bull, and The Departed) and we needed a good, filling Italian meal. We paired it with some cheap Italian wine and lazed about for a day. I don't know if it was the lasagna, the wine, or the combination of the two, but I seem to recall that I got sick from this. Not violently ill, but sick enough that it stands out in my memory. Ok, moving on.

If you've been paying attention (and I think I've mentioned this here), I really want to learn to make some basic sauces. So much of cooking is just heating up a protein and then adding a sauce for extra flavor that it seems like I should know how they work. I decided that I wanted to make a nice hollandaise. I had a recipe from a Disney Newsreel (the company magazine) for an eggs benedict from one of the hotels and I wanted to try it. I promptly screwed everything up. First, I needed something easy for the night I was planning to cook it and ended up buying a sauce mix at the store, thus defeating the purpose of the recipe in the first place. Then I forgot to buy Canadian bacon or any other kind of meat, meaning I wasn't really making an eggs benedict. I ended up with, essentially, an unfinished, slightly high end Egg McMuffin. On the plus side, it was my first time poaching eggs and they came out very nicely. Looking around at other cooking sites, this is apparently harder than I thought it was. I guess not realizing how hard it is gave me the confidence to do it properly. I plan to try the same thing with flying an airplane in the future. That's easy, right? Oh, and note that I served this with the Perfect Home Fries Every Time from the Achewood cookbook. See, I learned something from that whole process.

One of Melissa's favorite meals is grilled pizza (who needs segues?). My parents made it often when we lived at home and it truly is a fantastic invention. Well, my parents got me a nice grill for Christmas, and I thought I'd try my hand at it. I bought a nice pizza peel at Sur La Table (that store is like a giant, shiny, overpriced porn store for me) and got to work. I used a pre-made dough from Trader Joe's and topped it with pretty standard stuff - pepperoni, bell pepper, onion, basil, and mozzarella balls. You pre-cook the dough on the grill before topping it, and I gotta tell you, it came off looking great. Well, apparently, it should have stayed on a few minutes less; by the time all of the cheese and toppings had cooked, the bottom of the crust was pretty well charred. This is not to say it wasn't delicious, you just had to get past that "burned" taste. I mostly bring it up because I'm pretty proud about how artistically I arranged the toppings:
Ok, my lunch is over, I'm out of time. I have A LOT more to post. This was going to be a two part post, and I think it just became three. Mark your calendars and just keep hitting refresh until I come back.

Cheers,
Eli

Ok, Fine, I'll Hug A Tree

2010-07-12T13:36:00.000-07:00

I've always cared about the environment. Captain Planet taught me to recycle and I listened, damn it. However, I think I may have finally crossed the line into "Dirty Hippie" territory. I'll explain.

When I started working at Miramax, I started taking public transportation to work. It wasn't because I was trying to cut my carbon emissions, I was just tired of driving in LA traffic. Eventually, I started riding my bike to the train station in North Hollywood. Now that I'm working at Disney, I live less than 2 miles away from my office. There's literally no excuse for me to drive a car to work 90% of the time. So I don't. I ride my bike unless I have an offsite meeting or have to bring something large to work. People in LA look at me like I'm crazy. This city loves its cars to the point of cultism. Any mode of transportation that doesn't have an internal combustion engine is heaped with scorn and derision. But that's another blog post (oh yes, the angry bike rider post is coming...I'm sure you're thrilled). The point is, when you stand up at the Griffith Observatory and look out over the LA basin and you can only see about a mile in front of you through the brown haze that clings to the city, you can know that my commute is not contributing to that. I'm not trying to sound smug, but it's kind of hard not to feel a little better about myself.

Second, I bought myself a pair of blue suede shoes. I appreciate Elvis (though I'm not a HUGE fan), but this has nothing to do with that. Check them out, they're awesome:
As you can see with my blatant product placement, I got these from Simple Shoes. This is a company that makes eco-conscious, sustainable shoes. Larry David wears them, if that means anything to you. These are an early model, so they aren't the MOST hippie shoes they make, but they are made from what the company calls "eco-suede." I don't know exactly what that means, but I take their word for it. And the next pair of shoes I buy, when I replace the black Adidas I've had for about 5 years, will probably come from Simple, and they will be made of hemp. Deal with it.

Of course, while 90% of my transportation takes place using the bike and shoes and my own two legs, there are times in the sprawled out mess of a city I live in that I need a car. If you know me, you know that I hate cars. I think they're an outdated, inefficient technology that has long past the point of their utility. I just don't get the "mystique" of the American automobile. I can't comprehend standing around looking at cars or spending any money for an accessory that isn't necessary to make the vehicle get from point A to point B. All of that said, I LOVE my new Prius. Well, used Prius, but new to me:
It's not all about the gas mileage (which is FANTASTIC - I get 45 MPG without even trying), this car feels like the future. You know I love gadgets and technology, and this car feels like driving a gadget. I like to sit in it and pretend I'm piloting a Star Trek shuttlecraft (I'm not kidding). It doesn't hurt that since I can go 400 miles on one tank of gas, and that lasts me a LONG time. This car is really fun to drive, and that's hard to do for me. And yes, that's the picture from when I picked the car up...on the Disney Studios lot. That helps make it feel all the more magical.

So, let's tally it up - Doesn't drive much/prefers to bike, buys eco-certified shoes, drives a fuel efficient hybrid when he has to drive...let's add the fact that I go out of my way to recycle and I only buy sustainable fish and I think I can officially get my Tree Hugger card. Do I have to register somewhere like a sex offender? Is there an actual card, or is that just a hypothetical idea? I hope it's not a real card - printing is bad for the environment.

Cheers,
Eli

And I Ran, I Ran So Far Away...

2010-06-03T14:04:00.000-07:00

So, probably the biggest thing I did during my blog hiatus was run the LA Marathon. I mentioned in one of my early posts that my plan was to run the whole thing without stopping to walk. Well, that didn't quite work out. See, Mike and I trained like crazy, but our training plan only went as far as 20 miles on a training run. The theory was that if you could run 20 miles, the other 6.2 would probably be easy. I don't think that it's a coincidence that we had to stop to walk right around the 20th mile marker. Of course, it didn't help that this was at the most boring section of the run (the Veteran's Administration in Westwood) and that it featured a rather brutal uphill section (more on that in a minute). The last five miles were probably the most physically taxing thing I have ever done. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

The whole concept of the race was "Run the Landmarks." It started off at Dodger Stadium, would through the Walk of Fame, down the Sunset Strip, past Rodeo Drive, and ended up at the Santa Monica Pier. The other selling point was that the general course of the marathon was downhill. The organizers implied that this would lead to personal bests and the easiest marathon course ever put together. That was a flat out lie. While there were some good downhill sections (the last five miles were a VERY gradual decline), there were PLENTY of steep uphills that we just weren't prepared for. I could have done more hill training if I thought it would be an issue, but I didn't. As a result, the whole thing felt harder than it should have.

Mike and I met up on 2nd Base at Dodger Stadium. This was actually one of the highlights of the race for me. The Disneyland Half Marathon runs through Angel Stadium, so it's cool that running has given me the chance to be on the field at both major league parks in the LA area. (A note about pictures - yes, they say "PROOF," but I have bought them. I just don't feel like scanning them).

I tried to use a restroom before the start, but the line was at least 45 minutes long and I didn't have to go badly enough. Of course, as soon as we started running, I had to pee as bad as I ever have, but I just ignored the urge. It took nearly 17 miles, but the feeling (which was mostly psychosomatic) went away. I sure as hell didn't want to stop to wait in line for a port-a-potty. We lined up for the start and we stood. And we waited. The race was delayed multiple times (it really felt poorly organized at times) and standing around waiting on pavement isn't the best way to warm up for a long distance race.

Along the route, people held up signs to cheer you on. The "There's Beer at the Finish Line" and "Run Like You Stole Something" signs may have been funny the first time, but after seeing each one AT LEAST 20 times, it got old. One of the official marathon signs (at Mile 4 or 5) read "The Kenyans are at Mile 16." Now that just seems cruel (and maybe a little racist, I still haven't decided). It was fun running through all of the different neighborhoods and seeing the differences among the people. We passed through several African American gospel choirs from the local downtown churches. We hit Silverlake, home of the hipsters, and immediately noticed that the spectators all had porkpie hats, ironic mustaches, and held signs that said things like "What are you running from?" Passing through Pacific Palisades at the end of the course brought wealthy people watching from their lawns, wanting desperately to feel like they were a part of something. You would hear people saying, "We're almost there, keep going!" and think, "No I'M almost there, WE are not doing anything - specifically, YOU aren't doing anything."
As I mentioned before, the last 5 miles were the most physically grueling thing I have ever done. It was an act of sheer willpower that my legs were able to keep moving at all. I don't think I had any real control over the issue. I came around the last corner, down Ocean drive, and prepared for the last .2 miles of the race. I run 3-7 miles every other weekday and 10-20 on the weekend, and this .2 miles felt like the longest distance I could imagine. I saw what I thought was the finish line and pressed myself to reach it. It turns out it was just a stoplight and I had another 2 or 3 blocks to run. I honestly don't know how I made it. I felt like I wanted to fall asleep. I finally crossed the finish line, 5 hours and 20 odd minutes after I started. I'm not going to lie, this was a lot slower than I wanted it to be. That's what's driving me to try this whole thing again.

By the way, the one thing every runner wants from a race is a finish line picture. It's proof that you really did cross that line and finished the race. Most runners do some kind of pose, knowing that they are being photographed. I counted at least 5 photographers at the finish line and this was still the best they could do:
Way to go, MarathonFoto. (That's me about to collapse/cough up a lung a good 5 seconds after I crossed).

I made my way through the post-race cool down area. I devoured bananas and fruit cups and drank at least two bottles of water. They handed me my medal. This is what it looked like:
But this is how it felt:
(That's right, Mike Funt, it's my blog - I get to be Han Solo. Chewbacca is growling to make everyone cheer for ME).

Even though I was disappointed in my time, I know I accomplished something pretty awesome. It's no easy task to run for more than 5 hours straight, no matter what speed you're going. It feels pretty damn great. Mike and I sat down before going to find our wives and I think we were both believing that we just shared something very cool. Also, that our legs might not work well enough to stand back up.

So, it's back into training. I'm aiming for a 1:45 time in this year's Disneyland Half Marathon and then we go back into marathon mode. Why? Because next January we're doing the Goofy Challenge in Orlando. That's the Walt Disney World Half Marathon on Saturday, followed by the Walt Disney World Marathon on Sunday. 2 days, 39.3 miles. I think I may be insane.

Cheers,
Eli

Selzer & Smuckles - The Index

2010-05-27T11:26:00.000-07:00

To make things a little easier in case you wanted to find a specific story or recipe, I've created an index for the run of Selzer & Smuckles. This should be the first post to pop up when you click the "To Find All Selzer And Smuckles Posts..." link above.

Please go back and re-read these, or enjoy them for the first time. The fondest memories we have are those of when we read peoples' blogs. Shakespeare said that (or didn't...one of those two).

Introduction - Selzer & Smuckles
Easy Appetizers & Drink of Tomorrow
Fool's Rice
Perfect Hot Dogs Every Time
Basque Green Bean Salad
Toasted Nut Orzo
Satellite TV (warning, includes my scathing Mama Mia review)
Proper Omelette Technique
Galaxy Nachos
Flavor Burgers & Perfect Oven Fries Every Time
Hell Baby
Childhood Sandwich
The Dogg is Home
Homemade Mexican Pizza
Beer Can Chicken
Smoked Salmon on Potato Coins & Perfect Deviled Eggs Every Time
Microwave Egg Muffin
Vegetables Delight
Five Dollar Chili
Ruuude Chicken
Omega Potato
Chef Ray's No-Butter, No-Fry Hot Wings!
Brined Pork Tenderloin with Carmelized Onions
Scotch Eggs
12 Step Cookies
Prelude to the End
Diamond Juice & How You Gotta Enjoy Wine
T-Bone Steak & A Meditation on Home Fries
My Final Thoughts

Selzer & Smuckles - My Final Thoughts

2010-05-24T16:39:00.001-07:00

You see that? That picture is my attempt at recreating the cover of the Achewood Cookbook, seen here:
It is also the reason that I haven't posted anything here for nearly 3 months. Seriously. I knew my next blog post had to be the closing of the Selzer & Smuckles chapter, I had put it off long enough. I also knew that I wanted to take that picture. Unfortunately, as you can probably tell if you're reading this, will power is not always my strong suit. I refused to post until I had that picture, and every night I would get home and think, "I'll have to get the camera out of the bag. And then I'll have to clean off the counter. And then I'll have to get everything setup. Hey, The Simpsons is on!" Finally, I just went ahead and did it (it must have been a Lisa-heavy Simpsons episode) and here we are. Please note that I do not own copper pots and pans, nor do I have a hanging baker's rack (I could use one, but every time I think about it I remember I live in a state where the ground has a tendency to toss itself about without warning and I don't like the idea of a cast iron skillet crashing into my noggin when all I wanted was a bowl of Cheerios). I also own a blue cocktail shaker, not the classic silver, but the Ketel One, martini glass, and lemon were all meticulously placed.

So what did I learn from Selzer & Smuckles? First, I'm probably a better cook than I thought I was. Most of the recipes seemed a bit below my level of expertise, no matter how tasty the result. That said, I did learn how much can be found from the most basic of recipes. The 12-Step Cookies are now Melissa's favorite dessert, and I make them frequently for potluck type events. Toasted Nut Orzo has quickly made its way into my regular recipe rotation. In fact, we had it for dinner on Friday and are having it again this week (the ingredients are proportioned in a way that when you buy them, you have enough to make it twice). And the Fool's Rice has accompanied every stir fry I've made since the first time I've tried it. The Meditation on Home Fries has proven the perfect way to cook potatoes for an easy (if not necessarily fast) side (Melissa loves these, too). The Scotch Eggs and Ray's Hot Wings have both merited repeat eatings, as well. Not a bad haul for a cookbook that mostly plays itself for jokes.

I have also learned how much trial and error there really is in cooking. There is no doubt in my mind that the Perfect Oven Fries and Flavor Burgers are solid recipes and that I screwed them up somehow. Due to differences in appliances and cookware, slavishly following a recipe can be hazardous. I've started to learn to cook more by instinct, and I'm enjoying the creative feeling of it. And several techniques took many tries to master. Just last weekend I finally made a Proper Omelette perfectly for the first time. I've been attempting it every time I make omelettes since I first posted about them last August (and I make omelettes fairly frequently). But it took until now to roll the egg on to itself without a spatula and have it finish cooking without really browning. Watching that perfectly yellow cloud of egg slide off of my pan and on to my plate is one of my proudest moments in the kitchen.

I also learned to appreciate good liquor. The Ketel One in my freezer has provided me much more enjoyment than the Smirnoff on the counter (which is now just for mixin').

Where do I go from here? Well, there's no shortage of cookbooks in the world, though I don't think I want to go trekking through another one in its entirety anytime soon. If I do, the top candidate is Tom Colicchio's Think Like a Chef, which reads almost like a textbook and comes from a chef I really admire. I'm currently reading the book, not cooking yet, and I've already learned more about cooking than I would have expected from any book. Melissa just got me Hubert Keller's Burger Bar cookbook for our anniversary, and that looks like a lot of fun. She also bought be a nice kitchen scale so I can dive into Michael Ruhlman's Ratio in earnest. In short, I'm trying to move myself more towards creating than just following instructions. As for the blog, don't expect to see the food posting stop anytime soon. I got a lot of positive responses from this project and really enjoyed it myself. That being said, I don't think I want to make this strictly a "food blog." There's already a billion of those out there and I don't really want to tie myself down to one topic.

But I guess that's it for now. I thoroughly enjoyed Selzer & Smuckles and I hope that you did too. I laughed more than I should from a cookbook and enjoyed a lot of great food. I really finished this project months ago, and looking back on it now made me realize how much I've missed it. But what can I do? I reached the end of the book and that's all there is to it. Even if I wanted to go through the hard work again, I couldn't do it. I mean, unless they put out a second Achewood cookbook. Wait a minute. What's that? Son of a bitch.

Cheers,
Eli

Wait, Wait....They Have Chicken...AND Waffles?

2010-03-01T13:47:00.000-08:00

I've been living in LA for nearly 4 years now (wow it seems like less than that), and I have come to realize that Angelenos are suckers for a fad. All it takes is a single celebrity to stop into a Gravy Shop, and suddenly there's a knockoff gravy shop on every corner and inside of every strip mall (note to self - invent a Gravy Shop). I have seen this happen with frozen yogurt, cupcakes, milkshakes, and it appears to be happening again with popcorn (at least according to today's Tasting Table newsletter). My point is this - most of the things that people in LA consider to be landmarks of the culinary world are wildly over-rated.

As a hot dog aficionado, I have been told my whole life that Pink's is the end-all, be-all of LA hot dog joints. I couldn't wait to try it out. I went at 2 in the afternoon and the line was down the block . I've come to understand that this is common at Pink's. People see people in line and assume that it must be the place to be. I waited far too long for the food I got. The hot dog was ok, but not the most flavorful thing I've eaten (also a little over-soggy, it lacked the real snap I expect from a quality dog). The chili was just terrible. Off hand, I can name 3 hot dog places in LA that are miles ahead of Pink's (Skooby's, Carney's, and The Stand for starters). But it's still the place that everyone assumes is the best because it's the most famous. I had a similar experience with Knott's Berry Farm fried chicken. All hype, no flavor (or texture or color or anything worth eating).

That being said, I have found an LA institution that is every bit as delicious as its reputation would suggest: Roscoe's House of Chicken and Waffles. I had a lunch there on Friday that was as decadent and satisfying as any I've had. Now, I'm on record (maybe not at this blog, but elsewhere) as being no great fan of Southern food. Not everything should be fried, and frying is not an excuse for skipping seasonings and flavor. Thankfully, Roscoe's doesn't fall into this category. Chicken is always good fried, and Roscoe's has done it as well as any I have had. I had a quarter chicken smothered in gravy (note to self, try to license this gravy for my shop) and never wanted it to end. The meat was juicy and tender, the breading was flavorful, and then there was the fat. Dear lord. If you find eating fat disgusting, you are missing out food. You should probably just stop eating. I could have eaten the breaded and fried fat from this chicken like candy.

And if that wasn't enough, as you can see above, it comes with waffles. At least, it does if you order them. And at a place called Roscoe's Chicken of Waffles, why would you order anything but chicken and waffles? I'm also on record as being anti-Belgian waffles. Nothing against the people of Belgium, but their waffles are too crunchy and awkwardly shaped. I like a nice, thin, round classic waffle. Waffle House does it as well as anyone can, but unfortunately they're not out here. Roscoe's comes pretty close. The flavor was delightful, slathered in butter and maple syrup, naturally. They were maybe a hair undercooked, but it's hard to complain about something so smooth and doughy.

So, yes, Roscoe's was worth the trip. The atmosphere was light and familial and the food was top notch (even if it did sit like a lead weight in my gut). Yes, it was probably about a billion calories, but I'm training for a marathon, I can afford it. It was delightful and I can't wait to go back. Now, I'm off to research copyright law as it pertains to gravy.

Cheers,
Eli

Is Anybody There?

2010-02-22T13:47:00.000-08:00

"Remember when you used to have a blog? That was fun." - My buddy Mike last week.

Wow, it's been three months since I checked in here. If you're still around reading, you may want to get used to this. I tend to fall off the face of the internet from time to time, and in the Winter, especially. Maybe I should just put up a graphic of a hibernating bear from December through February. No! This time next year, the blog will have been flourishing non-stop throughout the colder months. Is Internet Seasonal Affective Disorder a thing (I SAD)? Because I don't get emotionally depressed like a person with regular Seasonal Affective Disorder, but my blog, Twitter and Facebook feeds tend to get neglected. Maybe I should call it Internet Sensitive-Only Sesaonal Affective Disorder so I can call it "I So Sad". Ah, it feels good to be rambling again.

So, what to do? I can catch you up on a few things with me. I made a few resolutions this New Year, so here's how that's going:

1) Get out of credit card debt
This is going exceedingly well. Melissa and I are in what I call "Budget Crackdown" mode. No going out for dinner, no buying little things we don't need, every extra penny goes to our credit card debt. Thankfully, Disneyland for us is essentially a free trip. We have one card down, the second will be done this weekend, and that only leaves one. I expect to be done by the end of March. I'll still have student loans, and we'll have a car loan by the summer, but to be out from under the thumb of the credit companies is going to feel damn good.

2) Write creatively every day
I haven't done this every single day, but most days for sure. I finished the first draft of a new screenplay with my writing partner Josh (we're waiting on some responses right now) and have been working on the first television spec I've written in years. I've done some preliminary work on a cartoon I'm working on with my friends. I've also written a few jokes for a standup routine I'll probably never perform, but you never know. So what haven't I been writing? This blog. But you knew that.

3) Run a Marathon without stopping
Training is going very well, my last long training run is this Sunday (20 miles) and the marathon is less than 3 weeks away. My time isn't going to be what I had hoped it would be, but it won't be terrible (probably between 4:30 and 4:45).

4) Start barbershopping
I haven't done this yet. January was supposed to be my "Month of Barbershop." So was February. Things aren't looking good for March. I'll look again in April. Unfortunately, the choruses I really want to sing with are over an hour away from me.

So that leaves the old Scribe and Mouse (in case you haven't been paying attention, that's the name of this blog). I don't think it's too late to do a Selzer & Smuckles recap, so look for that soon (and I mean it this time). After that, I don't know. I could go back to my "ranting about whatever" format, but people really seemed to respond to the Selzer & Smuckles/cooking blog format. I still cook plenty, I could keep blogging about it (even though there are millions of cooking blogs out there already). I'll probably do a hybrid format of some sort - talk about what I'm cooking, but with more ranting interludes than before. I could always talk about crosswords again (I know how much everyone loved that). We'll see. It's an adventure.

Anyway, that's where we stand, and I look forward to having all of you reading my words again. Sorry if this seemed a little sloppy and disorganized - I have to get my blog legs back. See you soon!

Cheers,
Eli

T-Bone Steak ("Ray Steak," p.28), A Meditation on Home Fries (p.10)

2009-11-24T13:07:00.000-08:00

Well, here we are. Sorry for the delay, but I just couldn't seem to bring myself to write this one. I mean, the last recipe from the Achewood Cookbook. Could I really be finished? I have a hard time finishing projects. When I get to the end of a screenplay, I always drag my feet for a few days when I get to the third act. It always feels like I'm killing off a friend, or worse, a child (seeing as how it's something I've created). If I've done a good job creating characters, I feel like I'm going to miss them, and miss creating their world. There may not be any characters (aside from myself and the food) in this blog, but the feeling is the same. It took me a long time to gather the courage to log on and write this thing. I CRIED 8 OR 9 TIMES (not really). Oh well, on to the final recipe.

I knew the last meal would have to be a big deal (and it's important to me that this sentence rhymed), and dogeared this recipe specifically for the grand finale. Nothing says "class" and "celebration" quite like a T-Bone Steak (or, as the book subtitles it, Ray Steak). And since the recipe recommended it, I served it up with Roast Beef's Meditation on Home Fries. As my brother so succinctly reminded me, "French fried potatoes and a T-Bone steak." A more classic meal there isn't. Let's start with the potatoes.

I was nervous about this one. My last fried potato experience with Achewood hadn't gone well. But I was determined to make this meal special, and I wasn't going to let some starches and oils stand in my way. There's a lot of text in the recipe where Roast Beef tries to come up with a universal standard for what constitutes "home fries." It's simple really: small, computer keyboard sized cubes of potato, salted and pan fried in oil. Don't go loading a bunch of dang spices on them or throw in vegetables to make them fancy. Potatoes are a staple, and they're perfectly fine without a lot of fancy presentation. Red potatoes were recommend, as their texture and consistency lends itself well to the cooking process. They took longer to cook than I had expected them to, but I was mostly able to let them sit while I focused on the steak. In this recipe, Roast Beef confirms my feelings that one of the things a young chef needs to learn is the confidence to let things sit alone in hot oil and cook without disturbing them. I'm pretty sure I've talked about this before, but I don't feel like digging through the archives to find the article. You do it.

The finished product was a complete opposite result of the "perfect oven fries." These things were delicious. The potato cubes were crunchy on the outside and creamy on the inside, just enough salt to add a nice seasoned kick- a perfect compliment to any meal. Melissa and I both loved them. Possibly the best preparation of potatoes I have ever done. If you were to take the cubes and build them into a castle or something, you could serve these in any fancy, pretentious restaurant. That sort of goes against Beef's whole manifesto, though. Still, you get the idea, these things are good. See for yourself:
And that blows the surprise on the steak, so let's jump right in. The t-bone is a large cut of meat - each one is over a pound (and I asked for small ones). I'm not that familiar with the cut, I prefer a ribeye or prime rib for my "special times" steak. Hm, "special times steak" seems to imply something sexual...it's not intentional, but I'm not going to change it. I have cooked steak many times before. I try not to eat too much red meat, but for a meal where you feel like rewarding yourself, you can't go wrong with a good steak. Still, I usually cook my steaks on a grill. I currently have a tiny, insufficient camping grill that is capable of cooking two average sized steaks in approximately an hour and a half. No worries, this is a stove cooked steak. This is important because without a pan, you can't make the red wine reduction that constitutes the sauce for the dish.

Teodor walks you through this recipe, and it shows. Even though there's nothing terribly complicated in the instructions, everything is described in a way that makes you feel like you are doing something fancy. I had to cook these in two separate stainless steel pans - I didn't have one that was big enough for both of the steaks. I got the feeling that cast iron is probably a better fit for this one. My beautiful stainless pans were charred and black when I was through cooking, even after deglazing. Don't worry, they cleaned out ok (I know you were worried). But I've told you time and time again- I just don't have room for a decent cast iron skillet, nor do I have the patience to season one. If you have a pre-seasoned one you want to send me with a suggestion of where to put it, I'll accept it. E-mail me and I'll tell you where to send it. Outside of that, I'll make do with what I have.

The recipe makes a big deal out of letting the steak sit out before and after cooking. This lets the juices adjust properly to their new situations and means you won't be left with a sloppy mess on the plate. Top Chef has made a point of this, too. I had never known it before I undertook this cooking project, and now it just seems like common sense. It's amazing how fast you can start to feel like a smug, elitist, expert, a-hole. When you flip the steaks (which is really all you have to do in this recipe) Teodor tells you to put a brick wrapped in foil on top of it to prevent the natural bowing that happens from having one side of the meat cooked and the other not. Well, you know what, I don't keep bricks laying around. Is this a common thing? Am I supposed to steal a brick from a construction site? Or is the book assuming that its target demographic will just take the brick that's holding up their coffee table? Either way, Teodor does offer the alternative of weighing down a heavy pan with cans for the same effect, and this is what I was prepared to do. However, I forgot about it because I was afraid my kitchen was about to catch on fire.

See, steaks on the stove smoke. A lot. And my burners were burning a bright shade of orange I've never seen them glow before. Usually they stay a serene, happy blue. So, as the steaks were going all concave, my apartment was filling with smoke and the fire alarm was blaring. That kind of became focus number 1. Apparently the tiny ventilation hood on our oven is not equipped to handle this kind of cooking. I can't say I'm surprised, it's a sad little stove/oven, the kind you get the feeling Sears gave away for free in 1976 if you bought a fridge from them. Melissa helped to fan the smoke out the window and eventually things calmed down, but it was probably as panicked as I've ever been in the kitchen. My response to panic is to get all depressed and apologetic, but it passed. And when it did, it was time to make the sauce.

I've deglazed and made reductions once or twice, but it's always fun to hear that sizzle. Plus, this was the first time since I got my stainless pans so I was actually able to scrape up the little black bits like the recipe told me to. I kept expecting the sauce to thicken more, especially when I added the "cornstarch slurry," but it remained ever-liquid. The recipe said it should turn to a gravy-like consistency, which I took to mean kind of thick and syrupy. Melissa thought that the runny sauce seemed like gravy to her, and I can see her point. Gravy is kind of a broad term to use as a descriptor. Either way, it was delicious. The steak didn't really need the sauce since it was plenty tender and juicy, but the vegetables and the wine really enhanced the flavors. It was smoky and rich and every bit as good as anything I've made on the grill. It came out a perfect medium rare, which I was happy about. Between the steak, the potatoes, the Diamond Juice and the wine, it all felt very decadent. A fitting end to a fun experiment.

Well, since this post has run on long enough, I guess I lied to you. This isn't the last one. I'll post a wrap-up in the next couple of days where we'll reflect on what we've learned on this journey and a bunch of other hippie crap. Join us next time for a time of reflection.

Cheers!
Eli

Diamond Juice (p.9) and How You Gotta Enjoy Wine (p.43)

2009-11-18T13:11:00.000-08:00

I started my journey through this cookbook with a couple of drink recipes, so it makes sense that I would end things the same way. Yes, friends, we have arrived at the last meal of Selzer & Smuckles. This post is part 1 of 2, as it was quite a meal. Today, we focus on the liquid. We'll start with the wine, since it's a little less interesting. Ray's How You Gotta Enjoy Wine is not and does not pretend to be a recipe. It's just a little article teaching the very basics of wine consumption. This is the kind of thing I already know. I mean, I've seen and read Sideways, so I'm practically a professional sommelier (interesting note- one of the few instances where the movie is better than the book). But, I once again must remember this book's target audience - the clueless oaf in his backwards baseball cap. This is probably very informative for him.

All of the basics are here. White wine goes in the skinnier glass and is held by the stem (so as not to warm it with body temperature), and reds go in the more globular glass and are held by the bowl. This is related to the fact that whites should be chilled, and reds room temperature. This is something of which I still can't convince Melissa. She likes her wine chilled regardless of color, tradition and general knowledge be damned! I love her too much to force the issue, but I did make her drink a room temperature red for this project (She didn't mind, she just prefers chilled). In this case, it was a Syrah. A 2007 local (Santa Barbara) that was quite drinkable. A little watery, maybe, but there was enough flavor there. We bought it as part of the 5 cent wine sale at BevMo (by one bottle of wine, get another bottle of the same wine for a nickel), and it was certainly the best 5 cent wine I've ever had. Honestly, the $15 bottle was good, too. It all comes down to one of Ray's other wine rules - A wine should not taste terrible. This is a big one. I hear a lot of people my age talk about how they don't like wine, and this is generally a good sign that I'm dealing with someone who needs to do some growing up. Put down the Miller High Life and take a sip of a decent wine. Congratulations, you're an adult (unless you didn't like it, in which case, keep trying).

The one thing I didn't do with this wine that Ray recommended was decant it. I don't own a decanter. I considered buying one recently at Disneyland. For part of the Haunted Mansion 40th anniversary, the artist SHAG created a bunch of art and merchandise. I bought quite a few pieces, including the water bottle from which I currently drink, and seriously thought about buying a decanter with Shag's rendition of the changing Medusa painting and some ghosts on it. I imagined myself hosting a dinner party and finishing the night by bringing out some port in the ghostly decanter and offering some "spirits" to guests. They'd laugh and whisper amongst themselves about how witty I was. However, I had already bought some old fashioned glasses (like the bourbon drink, not in the style of antiquity) with similar logos and just couldn't bring myself to splurge. Plus, I have so much Haunted Mansion memorabilia that I was already risking crossing the line from "Disney Fan" to "Disney Collector." That line scares me. I've seen Disney Collectors, and they are not something I aspire to be. I make no promises about not buying it if its still available on my next trip. Anyway, Ray recommends if you don't have a decanter to pour the wine in a bowl and serve it with a turkey baster. I decided not to. The wine tasted fine after letting it breathe in the bottle, and I didn't feel it needed decanting. I may try it at a party in the future, just so people can see how classy I am.

Speaking of classy, Diamond Juice. Ray's favorite drink has been on my list for the final meal since I first flipped through the cookbook. See, Ray used to have an advice column, in which he would often give advice on libations. He made it clear that his choice of vodka was Ketel One. I've been wanting to buy a bottle ever since, but always made excuses not to (mostly, that's crap's expensive). Well, to celebrate the end of the project, I caved and bought a bottle. It didn't hurt that in the recipe for the final meal (you'll find out what it is soon enough), Ray recommends having some while you prepare it. So, some diamond juice to celebrate!
You may be thinking- that just seems like a glass of vodka. You would be correct. Ray admits up front that there's no such thing as a recipe for a Ketel One martini (which is essentially what Diamond Juice is). Chilled vodka in a chilled martini glass. You wouldn't want to try this with Popov or even Absolut or Smirnoff, but Ketel One is damn smooth and drinkable. Even Melissa finished hers, and she's not as used to straight liquor as I am (she doesn't drink single malt Scotch and Whiskey like I do).

There is one more element to the drink, and you can see it in the picture - lemon zest. I do not own a lemon zester. Somehow, in all of the barware kits I've had over the years, I still don't have one in my collection. Ray says he got his for his birthday from Pat, and if you don't have one you should either use a vegetable peeler (which I did) or tell Pat when your birthday is (August 17, Pat, but Christmas is coming...). The vegetable peeler made a serviceable, if ugly, zest of lemon. I squeezed the zest over the drink to release essential oils, as instructed. I don't know whether this made any difference or not, but I didn't notice much lemon essence in my drink. I used the zests as a garnish, just so it didn't feel like I was wasting them. Melissa's fell into her drink, and she left it there. She probably got more lemon than I did. Still, it didn't really need it. I really enjoyed drinking my vodka straight (just the way Viktor learned to in Billy Joel's Leningrad), and I felt damn classy just sitting on the couch. Plus, now I have a bottle of Ketel One for future cocktail nights, so it's a big win for me.

That's about all there is to say about the drinks. It should surprise no one that this cookbook included 4 drink recipes, and they were all brought to you by Ray. The man/cat likes his liquor. I'll be back tomorrow or Friday with the big post with the final recipes! That's right, there's two of them. Want to know what they are? Then keep checking back, sucker!

Cheers,
Eli

Storm's A-Brewin

2009-11-17T13:33:00.000-08:00

Hey everybody. Not really a big post, but I wanted to let you know I haven't forgotten about you. I know I didn't post anything last week, but I'm making up for it this week with...the end of Selzer & Smuckles! I'm not quitting, it's just finishing up. I have four recipes/articles to cover, and I did them all in one big meal on Sunday. I'm going to split it up into two posts and then probably post an ending summary, if I feel like it. It's going to be a good one folks. Stick around.

Cheers,
Eli

12 Step Cookies (p.42)

2009-11-06T13:09:00.000-08:00

As promised, I'm here on Friday. No slaps for you! One thing I've noticed from watching food television is that most chefs are not necessarily good bakers. In cooking competitions, if dessert comes into play, many great chefs start to panic. I'm kin of the same way. I love cooking over flame, or even tossing a pizza into the oven, but I'm not that comfortable with cakes and cookies and such. So, I considered Pat's 12 Step Cookies to be something of a challenge. As a side note, Pat sure has a lot of recipes in this thing. I've always considered him to something of a side character in the strip, but this cookbook is teeming with his arrogant recipes. And hey, he's a vegan! He can't put eggs into these cookies! I call foul, Achewood!

Anyway, cookies. I love to eat them, not good at making them. I was scared. There, you're caught up. Pat starts by instructing you to follow the recipe EXACTLY. Some recipes you can play around with and make your own, but not baked goods. As the book points out, these things are more like scientific formulas than regular recipes. Not in like a molecular gastronomy way, necessarily, it's just important not to go out and try and add your own spices or your cookies will go awry. Of course, being Pat, he yells all of this at you. The editor (Chris Onstad, I assume) chastises him, but agrees not to mess around with this recipe. When someone's nervous about making cookies, this isn't the best way to calm them down.

But I went ahead and started preparing the recipe and had a pretty good dough forming. I almost stopped there and just ate the dough because it's the baking where these things tend to fail. The dough itself is delicious, why worry about cooking it? Salmonella, I guess, but in the modern age of pasteurized eggs, it's probably not that much of a threat. Well, I had a cookbook project to complete for the blog, so I went ahead and fired up the oven. As I was starting to
spoon up the dough, I noticed a sticker:
Are you kidding me!? You go to the hassle of YELLING at me to follow your recipe EXACTLY and you have the BALLS to stick this sticker at the END of the recipe?! Well, great! Now I have a ruined batch of cookie dough melting in a bowl and I have to start ALL THE HELL OVER?? Screw you, Achewood cookbook!!! (Note- This didn't actually happen. I read ahead in every recipe to make sure I can prepare my mise en place. This was an exercise of "creative writing." I thought it would be funny. For those of you not familiar with creative writing, it's where you write about "fiction" or things that didn't actually happen. Examples include screenwriters, novelists, and Fox News reporters. You may proceed with the article now).

Ok, well, back in the real world, I pulled out my cookie sheets (which have maybe actually been used for cookies once, when Melissa made some) to get the dough rolled up. Pat recommends using the wrappers from the butter sticks you used in the dough to grease the cookie sheet. I have to say, it worked really well. It looked at first like there wasn't anything stuck to the wrapper and that it wouldn't have any effect, but it surprisingly well-greased and it did a perfect job of keeping the cookies from sticking. I'm sure this tip comes up in Heloise or one of the other old ladies that tells people how to live their lives, but I heard it first from a cartoon cat, and that's the advice I'm more likely to take, anyway. I also liked the tip about rotating the cookies halfway through cooking because the oven cooks differently in different places. It all came together to make a damn fine cookie:
They were kinda huge. I mean, you can't quite tell from the picture, but these suckers were thick. Seriously, one or two of these things was plenty. I'm normally a 3-4 cookie at a time kind of guy (which is probably a bad habit, anyway, and explains why I have to run 20 miles a week to keep in shape), but these ones filled me up. They were gooey and VERY chocolaty. The recipe only made about 16 cookies, but used an entire bag of chocolate chips. You would be eating one and suddenly tap into a lode of rich chocolate, like a miner discovering oil or melted diamonds or whatever it is miners find that's liquid. We ate a couple of the cookies and stuck the rest in a tupperware with a slice of bread. This is something I learned from my mom, not a cartoon cat. The bread seems to absorb whatever it is that dries cookies out in the atmosphere of a tupperware container and keeps the cookies nice and chewy for a long period of time. The bread, on the other hand, feels like a cracker. It's a neat trick, and I don't know what makes it work. The cookies lasted about a week, which in our house is a pretty significant amount of time for sweets to last. We just couldn't eat that many of them at once. So, I guess that's it. I conquered my fear and made a tasty treat that can be enjoyed by anyone- I mean, who doesn't like a cookie? Everyone from Jesus to Hitler likes cookies. Yes, even Albert Einstein (probably). I'll make them again, saying I"m going to take them to a potluck or something, but I'll probably eat them myself. That's all for now. Only a couple of posts left in the series, people. Start planning your "End of Selzer & Smuckles" parties now. Until then...

Cheers,
Eli

Scotch Eggs (p.39)

2009-11-04T13:09:00.000-08:00

I have always associated Scotch Eggs with being disgusting. It stems from the brief vacation I took to London in college to visit my aunt and uncle. I never actually ate any scotch eggs while I was there, and in fact I enjoyed the British foods I did eat (fish and chips, bangers and mash, etc). Food in the UK has a bad reputation, but I didn't mind it a bit. It probably didn't hurt that I was 18 and allowed to drink beer legally, so the food was an afterthought. Still, a trip to the supermarket brought about some oddities, and I lumped the scotch egg in with these. The can of spotted dick putting, canned "American style" hamburgers (the likes of which I've never seen in the US), meats made from animals and parts of animals that I thought only existed in Arthurian legend. Plus, I think the name associated itself with Scotland in my brain, which in turn associated it with haggis.

Still, looking at Cornelius's recipe, I couldn't fathom why I wouldn't like such a thing. It's basically a delicious breakfast all rolled up in one easy-to-eat package. Mr. Bear mentions this as a traditional pub food, and I certainly would order it while out for a drink. I honestly don't know why these haven't caught on more as an American bar staple. It's a hard-boiled egg, wrapped in spicy sausage, and breaded. This is really just a step away from those KFC amalgamation bowls that America seems to love, and those require silverware! Seriously, America, let's make this happen. I don't care if you have to rename them Uncle Sam's American Eagle Eggs, we need more bars serving these little beauties:
Ok, beauties may be too strong of a descriptor. I admit that I didn't make the most attractive appetizers the bar world has ever seen. Part of this stems from the hard boiled eggs. I'm just not good at them. I mean, they're easy enough to make, but I've had a terrible time getting the shells off, both here and with the deviled eggs. I even let these eggs sit in the fridge for a couple of weeks because that's what all the websites recommend, but I still had a hell of a time. I was happy to wrap these things in sausage so I didn't have to look at them anymore.

This was a unique recipe for me because it was the first time I've made one of these Achewood recipes for someone other than myself and my wife. My good friend Mike Smith (of Eros, Inc. fame) was hosting a screening of a movie on which he had a writing credit. The movie is called Humanity's End, and Mike will be one of the first to admit that it's terrible (he had very little to do with the finished product, really). As such, he encouraged drinking and I decided to bring a plate of drinking food. So, I walked into a room full of vegetarians (this is Silver Lake, people, one of the more liberal sections of LA...think about that) with a plate full of unborn baby chickens wrapped in ground up pig. I ate nearly a third of them, to "prime the engine" so to speak. Finally, some more omnivores arrived and helped me out. They were a hit! One of my friends, Chris Yule (I don't have a link for him, but he's currently the guy in the "Cash grab" booth on the E-Surance commercial, and he's incredibly funny and one of the nicest guys I know. You'd like him) had spent some time in the UK and he was thrilled to see a plate of scotch eggs. They were one of his favorites, apparently, and he told me that mine were everything a scotch egg should be. That made me very proud. I'll admit it, I cook because I like to eat, but I also enjoy people telling me how much they enjoy something I've made or seeing people who are impressed that I know how to cook at all. It's a nice feeling.

Ok, that's about it for today. New post Friday, I promise. If it's not there, you can hunt me down and slap me open-hand across the face.

Cheers,
Eli

Brined Pork Tenderloin (p. 30) with Caramelized Onions (p. 23)

2009-10-26T13:25:00.000-07:00

What the hell? I have a blog? Aw crap, I should probably write something here. Yeah, I know it's been over a week since I posted anything. It's not that I haven't been cooking, I just haven't been writing about it. Selzer & Smuckles has continued in the real world, I just need to play catchup with my writeups. So let's not waste anymore time. This is my second foray into brining, a technique I probably wouldn't have tried if not for this project. And, well, spoiler alert - it went really, really well. Brined Pork Tenderloin is brought to us by Teodor, and so my expectations were high going in. I had this one earmarked early on as something that might be a cut above the rest of the cookbook, partly because Teodor is a renowned foodie and partly because it sounded pretty delicious.

The procedure began pretty much the same as the Ruuude Chicken. Fill a pot with water, salt, sugar and spices and throw some meat in. Thankfully, a pork loin is significantly smaller than a whole chicken, and the recipe didn't call for quite as much brine. I had a container easily large enough to hold the solution: my slow cooker crock. The recipe called for the pork to sit in the brine for anywhere from overnight to 3 days. I opted for the longer time. More time for flavor to get in. That's science, right? Anyway, the pork loin is not an attractive cut of meat. It's a sad, cheap cut that sits in a roll amongst the other, more popular cuts of a pig. When you see it sitting in a bucket of saltwater, your first thought isn't really, "I bet that thing tastes great." It's usually something more like, "Who cut off this horse penis and why are they giving it a bath?" See for yourself:

That's basically the entire preparation for the meal. After the brining is complete, you throw it in the oven until it reads a safe temperature (160 degrees). The temperature is important with pork, unless of course you want to die. After that, it's up to the chef to make it look like something someone would willingly eat. Baking a moist meat log doesn't really give you any kind of crust, so even out of the oven you have a grayish, round hunk of pork. The Achewood Cookbook doesn't really go into presentation or serving most of its recipes, and this one basically ended with taking it out of the oven. I went with what I believe to be the standard option and cut it into medallions, about an inch thick. I stacked them in an attractive, fan-like pattern like I've seen on the TV (incidentally, I made this on "pork night" on Top Chef...yes, I'm that far behind...and I think this recipe would have fared pretty well compared to some of the losers). I must say, I'm rather proud of this one. I'm usually awful at presentation, and this at least looked decent:
But we aren't done yet! That's right, you wait this long, you get a two-fer! The recipe said it should be served with Caramelized Onions, also by Teodor. I think most of the time I've always considered sauteed or grilled onions to be caramelized, but I knew in my heart I was wrong. Caramelization, according to Wikipedia, refers to the "oxidation of sugar" as "a type of non-enzymatic browning." The Scribe and Mouse, now with research! Anyway, the caramelization essentially boiled down to (pun intended) making a balsamic vinegar reduction with a sliced onion. The result was that great, kind of slimy texture I've come to love from a caramelized onion. The flavor was maybe a little too vinegary for my tastes, but it wasn't overpowering by any stretch and it worked with the dish. I've seen other caramelized onion recipes that call for varies wines, and I may have to try them in the future. Anyway, I topped the pork with the onions, and was ready to serve:
You can see the side I made in the background - pan-fried red potatoes with garlic and thyme. I also put some applesauce on the plate, for tradition's sake. This was easily the best meal Achewood has provided thus far. The meat was succulent and flavorful and the onions provided a nice, contrasting sweetness and tang to the salty pork. I've always considered pork to be a salty meat, and was worried that the brine would be like overkill on the old sodium chloride. These fears were misguided. The dish was elegant and balanced, and honestly tasted like something I'd order in a restaurant. Melissa doesn't usually eat pork (not a religious thing, she just doesn't like it much) and she gobbled this up. She absolutely loved it (I may have turned a corner with her and pork; we'll see). I couldn't blame her. The ate every bite on my plate and still wanted more. This is the kind of thing I expect from Teodor - classy food that's a step above the "open can and heat" mentality of some of the rest of the Achewood Cookbook. It was a fantastic meal, the kind we don't always get at home. Our nightly dinners have a tendency to blend together as we consume foods that we consider "favorites" or "easy to prepare" or "not bad for cheap." And that's fine. If we didn't have mundane dinners, quality like this wouldn't stand out so much. It made a Wednesday night in front of the TV feel like a special occasion.

Ok, that's it for today. I'll be back soon (I promise) with more tales of the kitchen.

Cheers,
Eli

Chef Ray's No-Butter, No-Fry Hot Wings! (Insert)

2009-10-16T21:43:00.000-07:00

Ok, this recipe isn't truly a part of the cookbook. I got this one for ordering the (now apparently defunct) cook's gift set from Achewood. It included the book, an apron, and the item that turned out to be the main ingredient for today's dish: Ray's Rad Chilies Hot Sauce:
So what is a rad chili, you may ask? Well, to put it bluntly, it is an invented slang word for a man (or cartoon cat)'s junk. In an alternate version of an early strip, Ray is being advised on how to treat a lady. Ray's question in this alternate version is "Can I still call my junk my rad chilies?" The phrase sort of took off from there. It's also the name of my fantasy football team. As an aside, in case I haven't explained who Ray is well enough, I think this picture on the side of the bottle sums him up rather succinctly.
If you can't read that, it says, "Every Weekday." This is how I like to picture Ray's weekdays (and any wealthy man of leisure, for that matter): Playing saxophone on the pier in a thong and a captains hat. Class.

Today's recipe is pretty much what its title implies: No butter, no fry hot wings. My family makes something similar to this; we call them Flood Wings. I'm not positive where the name comes from, but I've always assumed that they were first made during the big Iowa floods of 1993 and the name just stuck. I'm sure my parents will correct me in the comments if I'm wrong. I've never made them myself, but they're very popular at family gatherings. They bake in the oven and are a nice change from the deep fried treat guzzled at tailgating parties like potato chips. They have a nice, smoky teriyaki flavor without letting you forget that you're eating wings. As I start to cook more, I've been fascinated by the chicken wing. When you make a whole bird, you're usually told to throw it away. What entrepreneur had the rad chilies to say, "Don't throw them out, give them to me! I'll pretend they're desirable and sell them for millions!" ? Amazing.

Anyway, Ray's wings aren't entirely like flood wings. I have a feeling the method is similar, but the sauce is different. In this case, instead of whatever teriyaki my parents use, Ray uses his rad chilies sauce. You coat both sides and then coat them once or twice more during cooking. The real innovation here for me was what the recipe calls "lollipopping." The recipe only uses drumettes (and I agree that the other kind of wing is a pain in the ass), and you snip the meat at the thin end and push it towards the fat end. This creates a very convenient handle, virtually eliminating the mess. Observe:
I made these, grabbed a beer, and turned on football. It felt right. It felt natural. Ray's hot sauce is very flavorful. It may just be from one of those places that makes generic hot sauces and slaps labels on it, but it didn't really taste like it. Maybe I was distracted by the "Every Weekday" saxophone. It was a solid winner of a recipe that managed to be new while still reminding me both of my home and a favorite junk food. The only downside is that I ended up using about half of the bottle of hot sauce. The stuff isn't that cheap (including shipping), and you can only order it online. And now there's a recipe that uses most of the bottle? I smell a scam, Onstad. I want to make these in a larger batch for a party sometime, but I have to imagine I'll use a cheaper hot sauce that I can buy in bulk (as the recipe calls it, a "lesser-quality hot sauce"). It may not be exactly the same, but I doubt most people would even notice. They'd just be impressed that I turned on the oven instead of ordering wings from Pizza Hut. Most people are easily impressed. I'm rambling. Good night.

Cheers,
Eli

Omega Potato (p. 40)

2009-10-14T22:59:00.000-07:00

This is another one of Achewood's incredibly basic recipes. Do you know how to bake a potato? Of course you do. You don't need a book to tell you how to do it. And yet, I have to remember the key demographic for this cookbook- grown men who still wear baseball caps backwards and have Al Pacino posters on their walls, unframed. I suppose even the best of us (not that I think of myself as "the best") could use a refresher. And Pat's Omega Potato method is a little different from what I normally do, so what the hell?

The recipe calls for a hotter oven than I usually use, and a longer cooking time. Naturally, I was concerned about burning after the "Perfect Oven Fries" incident, but that wasn't the case this time. The real concern for me was that I wasn't supposed to do anything to the potato before putting it in the oven (aside from scrubbing, of course). I normally coat with olive oil and salt before cooking, and I also poke holes in the sides to prevent explosions. And that's where I had to draw the line. Pat specifically states not to do ANYTHING, including poking ventilation holes. I did a little research while the oven was preheating. There were several stories and message board comments that read, "I've cooked potatoes in the oven without poking holes for years without incident." Of course, the next sentence was invariably, "Until last night when a potato exploded, killing my wife and children" (ok, maybe it just made a mess of the oven, whatever). So, I made an executive decision and poked holes in the potato anyway. My oven's crappy enough without being caked in potato bits. An hour and a half at 500 degrees later, I had my potato.
I should start out by saying that there's not nearly as much of the dill and sour cream sauce as it looks like there is on that plate. It's a very thin spread, I was trying to be creative. The potato had what could almost be described as two skins. There's the outer skin, which was like I've had on every potato (maybe a little crunchier), and then there was a tougher inner skin. When I cut into it, I was afraid it felt incredibly tough and dry. I was surprised and delighted to find myself wrong. The starch inside was light and fluffy. I normally like butter and sour cream in my BPs (that's what the kids on the street call baked potatoes), but Pat's recipe recommended a few glugs of olive oil, so that's what I did. The flavor was nice, though I did end up putting a little sour cream in there, too. The bigger issue was that the crunchy skin of the potato was also apparently quite porous on the bottom. Within 5 minutes, I had a large puddle of olive oil under the potato. It eventually seeped all over the plate, getting on my salmon and mixing into the dill sauce. It didn't detract from the potato, but the potato is just a side and it did detract from the dish. Live and learn. So, nothing too difficuly, but I suppose there are people who could use a refresher on where babies and baked potatoes come from. It doesn't have to be fancy to be fun.

Cheers,
Eli

Ruuude Chicken (p. 24)

2009-10-09T22:51:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the wonderful world of brining! While I'm sure I've eaten brined food in the past (it seems like something my dad would do, and he's cooked a lot of awesome meals for me in the past), it's my first time doing it myself. It seems pretty easy on paper- 2 gallons of water, salt, sugar, and spices. In real life...well, it was pretty easy there, too. The only problem I had was that I didn't have a pot, bucket, or any kind of container that could hold 2 gallons of water. One of those things I probably should have checked before I went out shopping. Oh well, I made it work (yes, I just watched Project Runway. My wife likes it. Shut up). Anyway, I went to buy a free range, organic chicken like Ray's recipe told me to, but that business was, like, $13 for a 4 pound bird at Trader Joe's. I won't be getting paid from the new job for two weeks, so I decided I could do better at Ralph's. Now, for those of you not from California, Ralph's is a big supermarket. Think Kroger if you're in the South (same parent company) or Hy-Vee in the Midwest. I'm sure other parts of the country have supermarkets, too. Anyway, you would expect your supermarket to have more than 2 whole chickens for sale in the whole store. If you were me, you would be wrong. Ralph's had 2 three pound fryers in the produce section and not even anything frozen. I even asked a person if there was some place I wasn't looking (if you know me, you know this is a big deal for me). Nope. I settled for the 3 pounder, grumbling all the way (though for $5, it's hard to argue with the price). Just so Ralph's doesn't look terrible, I did save a fortune on cloves by buying them in the Mexican bagged spice aisle instead of the spice jar aisle. $10 for a jar, 69 cents for a bag with about the same amount. But I digress.

Using the smaller bird, I was content to make less brine. I filled my stock pot up with 1.75 gallons of water and cut the spices by the same ratio (maths!). Then I put the chicken in and watched even more water flow out of the pot. Oh well, at least the mixture was the right amounts. I covered it and put it in the fridge overnight, because, as the recipe says, "The greatest talent of a chicken is to unleash death if not kept at the proper low temperatures prior to cooking."
This is another hilariously written recipe. All of Ray's entries in the books are written in a very colorful stream of consciousness that can make it hard to actually follow the recipe, but makes it much more entertaining to read. I guess that's so if the recipes turn out terrible, you at least feel like you got your money's worth. Plus, if you're going to make a cookbook based on a webcomic, it makes sense to make it funny. Thankfully, this one didn't turn out terrible.
The meat was nice and moist and stayed that way for three days in the fridge. That's no small feat; chicken has a real tendency to dry out in the fridge and just be horrible a day or two later. I even enjoyed the skin, even if the recipe says it's, "hella bad for you," and, "might not be so rad." I wouldn't call it "rad," exactly, but it was certainly edible. Still, the dish suffered from one critical flaw- it was chicken. I mentioned it with the Beer Can Chicken, but I have yet to find a chicken recipe that ended up tasting like anything other than chicken. Not that that's a bad thing, really, it's just that you always know what to expect with chicken, you can't be surprised. Maybe that's ok for some people, but I like a little mystery on a menu. I like to taste something I've never tasted before, or at least something I have tasted presented in a way that catches me off guard. I can't imagine ordering chicken at a fancy restaurant because there's really no way it will blow my mind. I can't picture anything that Emerils or Batalis of the world could do with a chicken that would make it taste that different from what I do in my apartment. Maybe Wylie Dufresne and the molecular gastronomists could do something different, but to me, chicken is a "white bread" white meat. The difference between fried, grilled, and baked chicken is really just a matter of texture. Get past the outer layer and it's plain old poultry. I'd love for someone to prove me wrong. Consider that a challenge.

Cheers,
Eli

Five Dollar Chili (p.35)

2009-10-07T17:29:00.001-07:00

I normally don't like to make chili during the summer. Melissa has no such scruples. She loves a spicy, meaty soup any time of the year. Still, I was glad that by the time I got around to making Roast Beef's Five Dollar Chili, the temperature had dropped into the 50s at night in LA. Cool enough for me. This is not to say I didn't have some trepidation about making this chili. When I bought the cookbook, Chris Onstad was still willing to personalize it with a sketch and signature. This is what mine looked like:
In case you can't read that, Roast Beef is telling me, "Don't make the chili" (by the way, I was thrilled that my personalized drawing was Roast Beef). My assumption is that this has something to do with the fact that chili makes you gassy. I support my assumption with the fact that my wife ordered this as a gift and the recipe starts with the line, "This recipe is basically for a man who is alone in his life." Well, I make my own chili quite a lot, so our apartment is no stranger to farting. We're cool with it. Melissa wasn't going to let a little gas stand in the way of a chili.

To start, despite what the recipe says, I wasn't not able to make this chili for five dollars. I spent more than that on the stew meat. Granted, I bought organic, free range beef instead of the cheap stuff, but I priced the plain-Jane beef cubes out at the regular store and I still doubt I could make the chili for five bucks. Beef just ain't that cheap. Still, it certainly didn't break the bank, especially since it made enough for two or three meals. I had never used stew meat cubes in making a chili before. My recipe calls for ground beef (I often use turkey- you can't taste a different, what you taste is the beans and spices). So really, this was a whole different animal.
But at the end of the day, chili is pretty much chili. It was very tasty, but not shockingly different from the stuff I regularly make. I usually cook in a slow cooker, but I could cook it in a put just as well. The real difference was in the texture. Even though the beef flaked easily (think a pulled pork barbecue sandwich), it was a little harder to eat with a spoon than ground beef. A large cube just takes up too much spoon real estate, whereas ground meat blends nicely into a soup. This chili also only used one can of beans, while my recipe uses at least three. The gravy that beans sit in inside the can almost certainly adds more liquid to the mix than what I found in my pot. As a result, the Achewood chili came out thicker than my usual fare. This wasn't a bad thing, it just reminded me of the kind of chili you can buy in a can (which I use to make chili dogs). I wonder if that's the intention of Roast Beef's chili- to use as a topping. He does list several meal possibilities at the end (eggs, rice, etc). I imagine it would me good on spaghetti in a classic Cincinnati chili. I guess I just expect a more soupy quality when I make chili. Like I said, this wasn't a knock on the recipe. It was delicious, and I enjoyed finishing it over the course of a couple of days.

And the farting? Well, no more than any other day in the Selzer Apartment. I apologize if that offends you; you shouldn't have asked. What's that? You didn't? Oh right, I just offered it freely. Sorry about that.

Cheers,
Eli

Vegetables Delight (p. 16)

2009-10-06T10:41:00.000-07:00

Almost every writeup I see of the Achewood Cookbook mentions that it includes a fake recipe. Chris Onstad's forward blatantly states that one of the recipes is impossible. I believe I have found that recipe in Ray's Vegetables Delight. See, the conceit of the book is that Chris is paying his characters to provide recipes for the project. Ray apparently was assigned something called Vegetables Delight. Why you wouldn't give this recipe to Pat, the Vegan, I don't know. Ray sure isn't happy about it. In fact, 95% of this "recipe" is Ray complaining about how terrible vegetables are. He's angry at the recipe, angry about Chinese restaurants that serve things called "Vegetables Delight," and mad at you, the reader, for having to explain what a vegetable is. I hope Mr. Onstad won't mind that I'm going to post the actual cooking portion of this recipe in its entirety, just so you get what I'm dealing with:
"Peel five carrots and microwave them for ten minutes OKAY I'M DONE GOODBYE"
Yep, I made it anyway. I'm that committed to this project. And that is what carrots look like after sitting in the microwave for ten minutes. They were a strange amalgam of moisture and dryness. The texture was downright disturbing. It kind of felt like a mushy potato with a very thick skin, but if feeling them blind you'd probably think it was some kind of eviscerated internal organ. The tough, dry exterior (after much chewing and gnawing) yielded to a molten mush of baby food-style carrot innards. I took one bite and was still trying to finish swallowing five minutes later. The rest went straight into the trash. I'm committed, but not that committed. These carrots cost me 67 cents. That's 67 cents I will never see again. If we come up 67 cents short of being able to afford rent this month, I expect Achewood to provide me with a new apartment.

Cheers,
Eli

Microwave Egg Muffin (p. 34)

2009-10-03T12:17:00.001-07:00

Hello, and welcome back to Selzer and Smuckles! I'm back from vacation and ready to get back to cooking. We start off with a Microwave Egg Muffin. Since I'm out of work for the next couple of weeks (don't worry, the new job is lined up), I have more time to make breakfast in the morning. Thus, I don't always have to have cereal (though Target is selling Count Chocula, Frankenberry, and Boo Berry for $1.99 so cereal's not so bad). This recipe comes to us from Lyle, his only contribution to the book aside from his forward. Lyle's kind of a dirtbag. He once puked so hard it made a football go three feet. He's never without a bottle of Jack, he's got that mustache that only other people with mustaches like, and he cares way more than a person (or cartoon tiger) should about cars. Every once in a while we get to see a more sensitive, thoughtful side of Lyle, but it never lasts; he'll be swearing and fighting again by the end of the strip. Still, as he mentions in his forward, he's worked in a ton of restaurants over the years (and don't kid yourself, this is pretty much exactly the kind of person that every restaurant has working in the kitchen, from Applebee's to a Michelin rated fancy pants hideout). His advice is sound (creating a mise-en-place, (ie. getting ingredients ready before you start), don't be afraid of heat, experiment, etc.) and you feel like you can trust him, even if he does seem like the kind of guy who is probably going to give you a recipe you can make with things you find on the floor.
The microwave egg muffin is clearly similar to the McDonald's Egg McMuffin (he said in the recipe that ham was optional, so I didn't use any. I won't get another paycheck for a while, you know). I've always been more off a Bacon, Egg, and Cheese biscuit guy at the fast food breakfast counter, but who doesn't like an egg muffin once in a while? And this really couldn't be easier. Put some egg whites in a bowl, season them, and microwave. Once they're set, throw on a slice of cheese and microwave a bit more. Slide on to an English muffin. Done. I could make this even on a busy morning, and I probably will. It was a nice change from the norm, and was more flavorful and fluffy than an egg cooked in a microwave really has a right to be. The only complaint I had was that it was hard to clean the ramekin I used to cook the egg. Maybe I'll spray it with a little olive oil before I start next time. Probably couldn't hurt. On a side note, it was nice to use my ramekins for something other than holding salsa for once. I probably bought them to make creme brulee, but never bought the blowtorch. I will say this: they do a fine job of holding salsa.

So, that's about it. A very nice recipe from Lyle, even if it feels a little low brow (microwave cooking, and all that). It just goes to show you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover. That guy pissing into an empty beer bottle behind the alley might make the best tuna tartare you've ever tasted. Just hope he washes his hands first (even if he probably doesn't). I've got a couple more recipes all lined up and should be able to post tomorrow or Monday. Until then,

Cheers,
Eli

A Whole New (Walt Disney) World

2009-09-30T15:57:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone, I'm back! I had planned to post a bunch of pictures in this post, but I just spent hours going through them all on Flickr to label and add descriptions, so I'm just going to link to the Flickr sets, instead. Hope you don't mind. It won't be as pretty, but I don't think you'll be disappointed in the pics, so please take the time to click through the links. If you want an overview, the whole collection can be found HERE.

The trip was incredible. Walt Disney World is a park on a scale like no other. The resort area spans for miles and the size of each individual park is intimidating. Disneyland in Anaheim feels like an intimate, cozy park. Magic Kingdom in Orlando feels truly like another world. It was nice having ample walkways and the kind of theming you can only do with that kind of space. But enough about general impressions- on to the tour!

Port Orleans French Quarter
Port Orleans Pictures
This was the first time Melissa and I had stayed anywhere other than an All-Star Resort and the difference was palpable. While I'm sure there were plenty of families around, the layout just made it feel like there weren't screaming kids everywhere, even the public areas. The river and jogging trail made for a very serene environment. The pool was incredible, with fountains and a slide and plenty of alcoves and spaces that made it feel rather private, even when it was crowded. The rooms weren't luxurious, but they were certainly a level above Motel 6. The tv wasn't great, but really, who cares? You're at Walt Disney World. How much TV time do you need. Also, the arcade had Donkey Kong. Score!

Our first night in, Melissa and I went to The Wave at the Contemporary Resort. I can't wait until we can afford to stay in a place like that. It felt classy top to bottom (and I hear the rooms have all been remodeled to be extra fancy). The dinner was top notch, focusing on contemporary fusion cuisine with an emphasis on sustainable and organic foods (which I appreciate). I had a pork loin with roasted fingerlings (which are becoming my favorite potato) and a flight of organic ales. The seared tuna appetizer was cooked perfectly and set things up nicely. The wine pairings all worked and Melissa and I thoroughly enjoyed it. The only downside was how many crying children there were. There was no doubt when you walked in that this was an elegant, fancy restaurant (and the prices confirmed it). I understand you're at Disney, but who thinks their kids are going to enjoy a meal like that? Also, our reservation was at 9:20, pretty late for most kids. Eventually, the families cleared out and the restaurant calmed down considerably. I would certainly eat there on my next trip (though I hope to be able to eat at the California Grill on the top level of the hotel). We also ate at Boatwright's, the full-service restaurant at Port Orleans. It was fine, but felt more like an Applebee's than a destination restaurant.

Animal Kingdom
Animal Kingdom Pictures Day 1
Animal Kingdom Pictures Day 2

There's not a whole lot of attractions at Animal Kingdom (yet), but it's a very enjoyable park. The theming in Africa and Asia is very detailed and immersive. Expedition Everest looms over Asia imposingly, and the ride itself doesn't disappoint. Going backwards in the dark is pretty intense. I do wish the giant Yeti was operational, though. He's so cool, but not as mind-blowing as when he's actually moving around. The Dinosaur ride uses the same ride technology as Indiana Jones, though it's a little slower-paced. The many dinosaurs are very well done and I enjoyed the ride more than I remembered from our honeymoon.

Speaking of dinosaurs, on Day 2 Melissa and I decided to be silly. In Jurassic Park, the little girl always screams at things by putting her arms at her side stiffly and tilting her head. So, every dino Melissa and I saw (and there were a lot of them) we took a picture doing that pose. It's a good way to get people to look at you funny.

The main highlight of the park, though, is the wild animals. Between the Safari ride and the two walking trails, you can see a lot of animals that feel much closer and more natural than they do in most zoos. Look at the pictures on Day 1 to see what I mean. They'll say more than my words can.

We also took in two shows- Finidng Nemo: The Musical and Festival of the Lion King. Nemo is a retelling of the movie with a bunch of new songs created for the show and extensive puppet use. It's Broadway caliber. The performers were pros and the songs were catchy. Very cool. Lion King is setup by a troupe of singers who are celebrating with Simba. There are four animatronic animals (Pumbaa, Simba, a giraffe, and an elephant) a Timon walking around, and a whole troupe of acrobats and dancers. It's high energy, audience involving, and just beautiful to watch. It was much more impressive than I was expecting.

We also took in a dinner at Animal Kingdom Lodge. From the hotel, you can look out on to a savanna where more animals roam (we saw some antelope and ostriches). We ate at Boma, an all you can eat place much classier than any buffet I've eaten. All of the food is African-inspired (except for the coward's table (my name), which has chicken fingers and such) and very unique. I probably tried about 25 dishes and was blown away by all of them. The roast steak they were carving was unique, especially with the spicy mustard sauce. I loved the watermelon rind salad. So many spices and flavor profiles I don't usually get to eat made this my favorite dining experience on the trip. I can't recommend it enough.

Magic Kingdom
Magic Kingdom Pictures

What can I say about the Magic Kingdom? It's taller and wider than the kingdom in Anaheim, and, as a whole, a better experience. Disneyland's Fantasyland is cooler, and our Pirates is a much more complete ride. Also, our Tiki Room isn't the embarrassment they've created in Florida (Iago and Zazu take over and basically rape the classic show right in front of your eyes). Other than that, everything is better in Florida. Most rides have two or three additional scenes and just feel more impressive than their California counterparts. The Haunted Mansion stands out. As many of you know, this is my favorite ride by a wide margin. I probably rode it ten times on this trip (and would have gone more if I felt like abandoning my wife and her family). Last year, they upgraded the sound system (the Ghost Host moving around you in the stretching room and the bats and whispers after you are let out of said stretch room are spine-tingling) and added a couple of new scenes. Most notably, they took out the cheesy spiderwebs and put in an MC Escher inspired staircase room, with stairs going in every direction and ghostly footsteps appearing and disappearing. Then, you encounter glowing eyes which blend into the wallpaper of the next scene. Some of the eyes in the wallpaper even blink at you, which took me by surprise. I could go on (the pop up ghosts in the graveyard still really pop, the Madame Leota projection is cleaner, the whole ride feels darker), but suffice it to say that the whole ride is creepier and feels much better cared for than the original at DL.

The whole park was, to borrow some cheese, magical. It really transports you out of the everyday world and into a world of fantasy and adventure. We went on the Keys to the Kingdom tour our second day in the park, which led us backstage and showed us the operational secrets of the park. I didn't learn much I didn't know, but it was neat to walk around those areas and really see things working (we got to witness a parade rehearsal, for example). We had a lunch at the Liberty Tree Tavern, which was good, filling food (pot roast, pot pie, turkey and gravy), but not necessarily anything to write home about. Plenty good, just not on the level of some of the other meals we ate. I enjoyed the nighttime parade, Spectromagic, more than I remembered, but it still feels a bit like a cheap replacement for the Main Street Electrical Parade. The Chernabog float makes it all worth it, though. Basically, from the extra height of Main Street to the towering castle, the whole park was a sight to behold.

Epcot
Epcot Pictures

I can see where Epcot may be boring for kids, but I adore it. Test Track is 30 seconds of very thrilling ride, preceded by a 3 minute riding commercial for anti-lock breaks. Mission Space, on the other hand, is a thrill unlike any you've ever felt. They do an excellent job of simulating a rocket launch and the g-force you feel can't be matched by a roller coaster. A completely unique experience. I'm also a big fan of Spaceship Earth, the ride in the geodesic dome. Anything with a ton of animatronic figures is cool by me, and I love traveling through world history. The new voice-over by Judy Dench is a little cheesy, but it works.

The World Showcase houses the best theming in any of the Disney parks. Even though each country occupies a small physical space, you really can forget that you're in the middle of Florida. There may not be any great rides (Norway's Maelstrom and Mexico's river ride are basically like Pirates of the Carribean, if Pirates taught you about a country's exports instead of being exciting), but the experience is unforgettable. Moving from England to France to Morocco to Japan is exhilarating. I also appreciated that each pavilion had unique items from the represented country in the stores, instead of generic Disney junk. It also helps that each employee in the pavilions is a native of the country on display.

We had a lunch at Le Chefs de France (guess what country that was in) that was quite entertaining. The food was delicious and well-prepared. My salmon was cooked perfectly and I will be looking up a recipe for that tomato bernaise. I also experienced my first escargot. I enjoyed it, though I didn't taste much of the snails. It mostly just tasted like garlic and parsley. The highlight of the meal, though, was Remy. There's a little animatronic figure that they wheel around on a serving platter. Ok, I'll post just one picture:
The man behind Remy is his "handler," Armand. Armand was hilarious. Since Remy doesn't talk for himself (he just squeaks), Armand did all of the talking. He played the part of an arrogant egotist beautifully, insisting that I wanted a picture of him, not Remy. It was just delightful; one of those little surprises that make Disney dining so special. It's these little things, these little details, that made Epcot (and all of Walt Disney World, really) just so special.

Disney's Hollywood Studios
Hollywood Studios Pictures

Hollywood Studios (formerly MGM) is the least impressive of the parks, really. Tower of Terror and the Aerosmith roller coaster are great thrill rides, but that's really most of what the park offers. The Great American Movie ride is a neater idea than an execution. It could use an update (and some new animatronics). I do love the Muppet 3D movie, though the print has seen better days (thankfully, it's being digitally restored as we speak). I enjoyed the Toy Story Midway Mania, but it's exactly the same ride we have at California Adventure (albeit with a much cooler queue area). Melissa and I did manage to get the top 2 scores of the morning, though. Even though I don't care much for cars (at all), the Lights Motors Action stunt show was kind of mind blowing. There were cars jumping over ramps, spinning all around, driving backwards at high speeds- The fact that they hit those marks every single day was very impressive. Add in some explosions for good measure and it's a very cool show. The last thing we did in any of the parks was take in Fantasmic at this park. We got there more than 2 hours early and were among the first ones in the amphitheater. We were third row dead center. The show is much longer out there, though I'd rather have California's awesome Peter Pan scene than Florida's lame Pocahontas scene. The extra emphasis on the villains is cool, too. It was as magical and inspiring as it is intended to be. It was a great, totally fitting way to end the trip.

Sooo, still with me? I hope you enjoyed my tour and had a chance to flip through the pictures. It was a great experience and I can't wait to go back. I'll be back tomorrow as Selzer & Smuckles gets restarted. You won't want to miss it. Hope you've all been well while I've been gone.

Cheers,
Eli

Is It Safe?

2009-09-17T15:07:00.001-07:00

Yes, long-time readers, I have used "Is it safe" as a title in reference to Marathon Man before. But that time, it was "Is it Safe? Is it Safe?" I only said it once this time because I ran a half marathon. Get it? Get it!?! Maybe this is why no one's paying me to write right now. Also, that post was about the dentist, this one's not. Anyway, if I'm going to keep writing about marathons, I obviously need to come up with another pop culture reference from which to cull titles.

So, all of this is to say that two weekends ago I ran the Disneyland Half Marathon. I had run the 5k last year and decided to step up my training to go for the whole 13.1 miles this time around. I gradually built up my strength over the past year, and by race time it was mostly a piece of cake. I ran with my good buddy Mike, and we finished with a time of 2:22 (that's two hours, twenty-two minutes). Very respectful for a first time, I think. We could have gone faster, but since we didn't have qualifying times, the first 3-5 miles or so were spent weaving around people who think walking a half marathon is the same thing as running one. I don't know if this is an issue in other races, but it's kind of a problem at Disney. I think a lot of people just assume that because it's Disney it will somehow be easier. Whatever, we won't have that problem next year, our time should be plenty good enough to qualify us for an earlier starting corral.

Now, in the course of my training, I've lost A LOT of weight (I don't ever weigh myself, but I'd estimate it's in the 35-50 pound range). I've lost 4 inches off of my waist. Now, I know this sounds like bragging, but being thin and sexy's not all it's cracked up to be. I mean, none of my clothes fit right anymore. My pants literally fall off if I don't have my belt tightened to the last hole, and half of my belts aren't short enough anymore. The jeans I used to call my "sexy jeans" (they were tighter than the others) are now just the jeans that fit better than most. My dress shirts that used to fit like they were tailored no feel like I'm wearing a pillowcase. It costs a lot of money to replace a whole wardrobe, people. Think of that before you start that next diet.

Mike and I were very proud of the fact that we didn't slow down to walk a single time during the race. Neither of us had ever done that for longer than 10 miles before, so it was a pretty big deal (it's all in the pacing). Of course, at about mile 12.5 (in other words, almost to the finish line) I could feel all of the Powerade sloshing around in my stomach and it made me nauseous. Nauseous to the point where I actually threw up in some bushes. It was pure Powerade that came back up, leading me to think that I'd taken in too many electrolytes (an energy gel and several cups of the stuff). Maybe next time I'll stick to just water. To my credit, I didn't miss a step. I did my disgusting business as calmly and discretely as I could, never breaking stride. It's a silly thing to be proud of, but there it is.

Here's a handful of pictures (sorry for the low quality, these are the digital proofs. The actual prints are insanely expensive). Unfortunately, there was no lucky photographer to catch my yakking. Properly timed, it could have been a spectacular shot. I would have it blown up to a poster and made into a Successories-style motivational poster. By the way, in the picture at the head of the article, I'm the guy with his arms raised above his head, next to Mike, who is clapping. That's my go-to "finished running" pose.
Running into California Adventure. I like how it almost looks like I'm hovering.

Mike and I liked mugging for the camera.

I always knew I was pasty, but DAMN! Also, I look 20 years older in this picture and like I am about to die. Even when throwing up, I never felt as bad as I looked in this shot.

Running around the field at Angel Stadium. A very cool experience (there were thousands of Girl and Boy Scouts cheering you on inside) and my favorite picture of the bunch.

Crossing the finish line. Note that while the clock shows 2:38, our corral didn't cross the start until 16 minutes after the gun went off (that's what happens when you have 15,000 people trying to run down one street), so our electronic chip time was 2:22.

With our medals at the end.

It was a great experience. Mike and I are officially hooked on running. He's already signed up for the full LA Marathon in March, and I'll be signing up as soon as I've got $125 (I'm about to be out of work, doncha know?). I don't just feel physically great, it's a big emotional accomplishment, as well. I set a goal, and I reached it. Feels pretty good.

Cheers,
Eli

Smoked Salmon on Potato Coins (p.15) and Perfect Deviled Eggs Every Time (p.14)

2009-09-14T15:19:00.000-07:00

I apologize for the length of time between my previous post and this one, I've been extremely busy. I also apologize in advance for the upcoming length of time between this post and the next one (see bottom paragraph). Anyway, on to the food:

We decided to have an appetizer night again, since so many of the recipes in the Achewood Cookbook are best served as sides or hors d'oeuvres. We started with one of my very favorite things to eat, Perfect Deviled Eggs Every Time, brought to us by Roast Beef (who is living once again in the comic strip, in case you were worried). It seems like around my family, we only had deviled eggs around Easter and Christmas (or Thanksgiving if we were real lucky), but I see no reason why they should not be enjoyed year round. Sure they make me gassy, but that's a small price to pay for a rich, eggy treat. I can't tell you how excited I was to give this one a try.

Well, maybe I should have tempered my enthusiasm just a hair. I can tell you for certain that this is not how deviled eggs usually look:
Maybe I can pull a Top Chef kind of trick and just say I made "deconstructed" deviled eggs. I'm not sure what that means exactly, but it sounds better than "failed" deviled eggs. Don't get me wrong, they still tasted pretty good. But the runny filling was an unappetizing texture and made them messier than a pop in your mouth treat should be. There were problems from the start. First, most of the eggs didn't peel very well. From research, I've found that I likely used eggs that were too fresh. Older eggs peel easier because of something about the albumen. I don't know. I stopped reading when it got too sciency (full disclosure- this is a lie, I'm a big science nerd and the science of cook fascinates me).

I think the one problem with the flavor is a hint to why the filling came out so wrong - Vinegar. I did a little more research and found that most recipes call for about 1 tsp of the acidic stuff. This recipe called for 3 TBSP. That's a pretty big difference, not to mention an equal parts mayonnaise (I didn't say "mayo" because Roast Beef says he hates when people do that) to vinegar ratio. I tossed some paprika on (the recipe says you only should do this if you're rich, but I had some laying around- with a large shake lid, if you notice the sloppy plating in the picture) and served them anyway. Melissa's not a huge deviled egg fan, anyway (she is wrong), so I ended up eating most of them. They tasted pretty decent and I didn't get sick, so I can't call it a total failure, just disappointing. Thankfully, the next course made up for it.

The Smoked Salmon on Potato Coins was a perfect recipe from Mr. Bear. It was classy without being pretentious, and flavorful without being overpowering. In short, it was everything an hors d'oeuvres should be. The kind of thing that a man has perfected over years of experience and feels confident serving at an elegant affair.
I apologize for the blurry picture. By the time I realized it hadn't come out, the food was gone. Speaking of the picture, I really need to work on my plating (though in my defense, it was late and had been a frustrating night of cooking). I happened to have some smoked salmon on hand. My friends Josh and Aubrey had brought it back from their trip to Canada last year (or maybe longer ago, I don't remember exactly). Some of you may be thinking that I'm insane to eat salmon that old, but this stuff was smoked and vacuum sealed. Those little pouches can last 10 years or more on the shelf, at least according to the package. It tasted wonderful and smokey and I still haven't died, so I have to believe that the package was right.

The base of these are little coins of fingerling potatoes, spread with mascarpone cheese. It was a little difficult spreading the cheese onto the soft potatoes, but I think most of them turned out ok. The recipe called for the salmon to be folded, which just wasn't possible with the stuff I had, so I just used the chunks as they fell (it was kind of dry and crumbly, but not in a bad way). The toasted sesame seeds and scallions were a very nice touch. They were hard to keep on the appetizers themselves, but any one that had a green onion slice or two on it was a real delight. A bit of a hassle to build, but altogether worth it, I'd say. If you come over for a cocktail party or fancy dinner fete, don't be surprised if I serve something like this.

I had intended to use a couple of left over hard boiled eggs to make Scotch Eggs (another of Mr. Bear's recipes) but at this point it was almost 9pm and I was tired of being in the kitchen. I tossed the eggs in the fridge and decided to move it to this week. As of this morning, the eggs weren't looking so good, so I'll probably have to throw them out and try again later. And by later, I mean in a couple of weeks.

See, Melissa and I leave for Orlando on Friday. We'll be at Disney World for a full week, and thus not cooking. And this week, with all of the vacation preparation, I didn't feel like doing much in the kitchen, so our dinners are all stupidly simple. Open pot, boil water, make pasta, microwave sauce. That kind of thing. Unfortunately, I seem to have exhausted the simple recipes Achewood has to offer. I just don't have time to make a brined pork chop this week (though I am going to make The Dogg Is Home again, or a slight variation of it). So, Selzer & Smuckles is going on a two week hiatus. I'll probably have a couple of blog posts, but they'll be about Disney or running or such things, not cooking from a humorous cookbook. So, take a break, read over my archives, fall in love with my blog again. Don't worry, it loves you back. Until next time,

Cheers,
Eli

Beer Can Chicken (p.45)

2009-09-08T17:24:00.000-07:00

Ah, Ray. I still haven't told you much about Ray Smuckles, have I? Well, Ray has more or less become the main character in Achewood. He's a cat who wears a thong, glasses, and a "Chochacho" medallion. Through a series of business ventures and deals with the devil, Ray has become a multi-billionaire. He loves to drink and throw lavish parties, and basically tosses money around like a clown tossing hard candy from a firetruck in your local 4th of July parade. He's basically a good guy, though he's not as much of a ladies man as he likes to think. In fact, he's not as good at most things as he thinks he is. Somehow, this string of characteristics manages to combine into a likable dude. You want to know Ray; you want to be his friend (and not just because he'll give you money or whatever extravagant plaything he's tired with).

Today, Ray brings us Beer Can Chicken. It's not too complicated (this may be a direct quote from the recipe, I don't have it in front of me). You throw some spices into a half empty beer can, spray some oil on the outside of the bird, stick the can into "the big butt opening" of the chicken and stick it in the oven for a while. Ray seems to like this preparation because it gives him time to make his move on whatever lady he's making this for. You're supposed to insert the beer can into the chicken slowly, and see if the lady notices. I tried this, and Melissa did not particularly notice. She just rolled her eyes and fell back asleep on the couch. But what did I expect? I'm married! Am I right, 1980s stand-up comedians? Anyway, Ray also promotes using the hour and a half the chicken cooks for to serve champagne and see where things lead. If the lady catches on, just turn off the oven and through the chicken out the next day. I didn't have champagne, so I tried with beer. Again, no dice. Still, the chicken came out pretty well, so I guess that almost makes up for my lack of ability to score. Almost.
I figured that the quality of beer would have a lot to do with the flavoring of the chicken, so I intended to buy a six pack of something nice, maybe imported. Apparently, Ralph's does not carry such things. The only six packs they had at all were those strangely shaped tall cans, which I'm pretty sure wouldn't fit in the chicken correctly. So, I had to go for a twelver. Unfortunately, my budget wouldn't allow me to get 12 good beers, so I made my way to the far left or "bargain end" of the aisle. I settled on Steel Reserve, which I'd never tried. I drank half of one can, and it tasted like...beer. You know how good beers are all distinct and flavorful, and then there's a whole tier of beers that don't really taste that different and serve no real purpose but to inebriate the masses? Well, this was one of the latter. Nothing wrong with it, but it didn't distinguish itself from the Pabsts and Keystones of the world. I should have gone with High Life.

The chicken itself came out fine. The skin was nice and crispy and the meat was well-cooked without being dry. I had plenty leftover, so I'm having chicken sandwiches for lunch all week. I could do a lot worse. I didn't do a great job of carving it, but it didn't really matter. Still, maybe it's just me, but there is absolutely no difference between good chicken and great chicken. You can cook a chicken poorly (whether it's overcooked and too dry or undercooked and likely to murder you in your sleep) but if you do it right, pretty much every chicken dish just tastes the same. Tastes like chicken! Ha! One more time 1980s comedians! Seriously, though, it's sauces and breadings that really differentiate one chicken dish from the next. I guess it's just a hard meat to modify, so you have to work hard to make it stand out. All told, this was a perfectly good chicken recipe, but nothing that really floored me. I enjoyed eating it, but really, it was just chicken. Ok, I seem to be stuck in a loop, so I'm going to end this. See you next time!

Cheers,
Eli

Homemade Mexican Pizza (p. 32)

2009-09-03T15:32:00.000-07:00

Another recipe from the adorable Philippe. This one was actually written more in the style that a kid would write it. Maybe the writing is a little polished for a five year old, but the intention and concerns are very innocent. His main goal seems to be to make a homemade version of Taco Bell's Mexican pizza. I've never had the Taco Bell version of the dish, I'm a man who sticks to the basics. If a place is called Taco Bell, stick with tacos. If a place is called Gyro Joe's, maybe you should order the gyro. Of course, I also enjoy Taco Bell quesadillas and gorditas, so my logic is flawed; but I like the argument just the same. Still, I'm in no place to make a comparison, which is a shame because Philippe provides an address to send him a letter if you think he got close (which struck me as very kid-like). Thinking about it, I know the author/artist of Achewood moved to a different part of the country recently (he mentioned it on the site, I'm not stalking him). I wonder if he forwarded this address. I mean, the cookbook's still in print. Whoever owns that PO Box now will probably be confused when he starts getting mail addressed to a stuffed otter. But I digress. This blog isn't about tracking the particulars of the postal service, it's about preparing food the way a cartoon tells me to.
So, that's how the pizzas turned out. I doubled the recipe so that Melissa would have something to eat, too. The ingredients listed for one pizza seemed like a lot, though. A whole tomato, a whole can of refried beans, a whole can of sliced olives. Even on two pizzas, that would be overkill. I assumed that I was supposed to use common sense (or maybe that Philippe didn't realize he was supposed to be more specific about amounts- the cute little shaver) and used what I thought seemed best. Still, it seemed like there wasn't much beef and there were too many beans. Not that the beans were totally overwhelming, I just probably could have used less and had about the same effect. On a similar note, the beef/bean mixture came out a little salty. I tried to estimate the amount of salt listed (which escapes me off the top of my head), and I may have overdone it, but I think I came pretty close. The saltiness of the canned beans probably didn't help much.

A quick note about this cookbook in general- I don't know if it's because of the altitude or if I have a broken oven thermometer, but either my oven runs hot or Chris Onstad's runs cool. After the oven fries debacle, I knew I needed to keep an eye on the tortillas when I toasted them (which was step one, much like pre-baking a crust when you make a pizza. If you don't do this already, you really should). Sure enough, a good 2 and a half minutes before the recipe said to take them out, they were crunchy and golden brown. If I had left them in for the full amount of time, they would have been blackened. I feel like I'm starting to become one with the cookbook, like I know its tricks and I'm ready to counteract them. Has anyone made a movie like that before? Hm, they probably shouldn't. Never mind.

The pizzas were very tasty, even with the extra salt. Really, they were practically the Galaxy Nachos, just in a more individualized and portable form. Since it was Top Chef night, I did a very cool and artsy drizzle with the taco sauce, but it kind of baked into the tortilla and you couldn't see it by the time it had been "plated." Maybe next time I'll drizzle after it comes out of the oven. That's right, I'm going to break the rules of the recipe. That's what chefs do, right? They innovate? Hello?

Ok, that's going to do it for this week's Selzer & Smuckles. I'm running my first half marathon at Disneyland this weekend, so I'll be off the social networking radar a little more than usual. I'll be back next week with more Tales From the Achewood Cookbook! (If you could say that title in a scary voice, like maybe Vincent Price or the Crypt Keeper, I'd appreciate it).

Cheers,
Eli

The Dogg Is Home (p.47)

2009-09-02T11:33:00.000-07:00

Childhood Day (patent pending) continues here at the Scribe & Mouse with a variation on another favorite from my youth - The Dogg Is Home, presented by Ray. Ray has a nephew (called, appropriately, Little Nephew- actual name Charley Smuckles) who is really into gangsta rap and is currently living in 17th Century Wales after having been shot by a blunderbuss at Roast Beef's wedding (I'm telling you, this comic is fantastic. How does a sentence like that not make you want to read it?). Anyway, Ray says in the recipe that he likes to make this for Little Nephew when he's been outside playing in the cold and that it's a "perfect dish for a little boy who is becoming a man." Not only do I find that line hilarious, it seems to fit me to a tee (no, not really), so let's get making this thing!
What kid doesn't love hot dog coins cut up into their macaroni and cheese? It's a classic, middle class kid dish (probably lower class, too...hell, why shouldn't rich kids enjoy it? There's nothing not to like!). This recipe goes a step further by adding in bacon and peas. I was apprehensive about the peas. When I was growing up, peas were pretty much the only food I wouldn't eat. That distaste carried over well into adulthood, and only recently have I started exploring the pea as an option for eating, and not just princess-sussing. Thankfully, the little frozen pellets (don't worry, they thaw and cook in the dish) were pretty much flavorless in the context of the dish. Crisis averted. The bacon, on the other hand, was a genius addition. This should go without saying; bacon pretty much makes everything better. That smoky, salty, cured meat made a simple dish feel classier than it actually was.

And now, a sidebar on turkey bacon. When I cook bacon, I expect to have enough grease left in the pan to cook some eggs or something. I used my non-stick skillet, since I didn't feel like getting out the fancy stuff to make a childhood dish, and the bacon still stuck quite a bit. When I finished, the pan was bone dry. Now, the flavor was still pretty good, but I have a hard time really referring to turkey bacon as true bacon. That is all. End sidebar.

This recipe concedes the fact that most of the cooking instructions for it are printed on the box of macaroni and cheese. I appreciated the candor. However, as you may have noticed in the picture, we opted not to buy the standard Kraft blue box of mac and cheese. We went with Velveeta (still a brand name, kids, it's ok) shells and cheese. I could say I did this because I am a grown up and don't need my food to be shaped like Spongebob, or that I prefer the convenience of a bag of pre-made cheese-like substance to a powdery mix to which I have to add milk and margarine. Both of those are true, but the real reason is that I grabbed the Kraft, noticed that it called for the margarine, realized I didn't have any at home, and didn't feel like going back a few aisles at the store to pick some up. Laziness informed this decision, and I'm not going to apologize for that.

The recipe instructs you, once the meal is done, to pour it into a casserole dish, cover it with foil, and put it in a turned off oven. Then, when people come over, you can take it out and pretend like you made something fancy. Well, it was just Melissa and I last night, and we sure don't stand on ceremony. Straight from the pot and into our bowls it went. We probably make shells and cheese as a "man, I don't feel like cooking" recipe more often than I care to admit. The simple addition of a couple of meats made me feel more like I was eating a real meal than when we just have the Velveeta-y pasta, and I was less embarrassed by it. We both agreed that it was a pretty satisfying "comfort food" type meal. We might have to keep hot dogs and bacon on hand for next time we need that easy Shells and Cheese fix.

Cheers,
Eli

Childhood Sandwich (p.36)

2009-09-01T15:21:00.001-07:00

Once again, I find myself feeling a certain kinship with Roast Beef (the character, not the food, though I enjoy the food, as well). His Childhood Sandwich is not entirely different from my own, though I dare say that the memories he attaches to his childhood are much less pleasant than mine. Like I said when I introduced him, he's from circumstances. I'm really not.

At it's heart, this is a bologna and cheese sandwich. Which was once a favorite of mine, and still brings up a wave of nostalgia any time I prepare one for myself. My personal childhood sandwich was bologna, cheese, and butter/margarine. This recipe calls for two slices of bologna, one slice of cheese (two if you've been good or "got an A"- neither of which particularly applied to me, so I stuck with one), mustard, and lettuce. Obviously the big differences were the leaves and the condiment. As the book points out, Roast Beef's primal sense must have kicked in and told him that the perfect elements for a sandwich include a meat, a cheese, a vegetable, and a dressing. I guess my childhood self (or, more likely, my parents' parenting selves) just didn't see the need for the vegetable. It never bothered me before, and it certainly won't now.

This recipe had a few options: toasted or non-toasted bread (I went with non, I have to refrigerate my lunch for half a day before I eat it, and refrigeration takes some of the magic out of toast), one slice of cheese or two (see above), whether or not to eat a 1/2 cup of chocolate chips afterward (the recipe description says this isn't really necessary if you're a grown up- I tend to agree. Not because it wouldn't be good, but I have a half marathon this weekend, you know). It also instructs you to cut it diagonally down the middle, so you can see the layering. Mission Accomplished:
That's the office where I eat my lunch. Please try to refrain from stalking me there. Anyway, I don't usually cut my sandwiches for lunch, it's too much hassle for a presentation that only I will see. But I have to admit, this was damn attractive. The interplay of colors and lines was more aesthetically pleasing than a childhood sandwich has a right to be. Maybe I'll have to do this more often. The recipe also instructed to use brand names, as that kind of thing is important to a child (which is true). I didn't disappoint. Oscar Mayer™ bologna, Kraft™ cheese, and Sara Lee™ bread made for one corporate sandwich.

And how was the taste, you ask? That's right, I know what you're thinking. The sandwich was a more refined take on a fond memory of the past. The lettuce gave the sandwich a real heft that made it feel more like something I'd get at a restaurant (you know, one of those cheap deli counter type places) than something I made as a child. I personally wouldn't have put mustard on a bologna and cheese, it just seems inherently, basically wrong to a person who is accustomed to the salty sweetness of butter/margarine (whichever one the health experts claimed was better for you in any given week). But, I was happily surprised to find that the tang of the mustard complemented the meat without overpowering too much (maybe just a little), though I didn't necessarily taste much of the cheese.

I have a lot of ingredients left over (you can't buy single serving bologna- I dare you to try), so I'll be making this sandwich for lunch for the rest of this week (and maybe some of next). I think I'll switch back to butter (or possibly mayo), though, for old times' sake. Now if only Planters still made Cheez Balls.

Sigh.

Cheers,
Eli

p.s.- You may have noticed I opted for the "bologna" spelling over the "baloney" spelling. That's because I'm a grown up. Also, it's how Oscar Meyer™ spells it (though I probably would have bet you it was the other way around).

I Give Up

2009-08-28T15:11:00.001-07:00

Ok, everyone. You win. I, Eli Selzer, have joined Facebook (I think there's a link to my profile on the left sidebar. I haven't quite figured out the best way to do this). That's right, I'm nothing more than a surrender monkey.
Before any of you Simpsons fans get all up in my face (Adam, I'm looking at you), I'm well aware that Willie's line is, "cheese-eating surrender monkeys," I just couldn't figure out a way to have him holding cheese and a white flag while hanging from a branch. And no, Mike, I didn't do any zoological research on this drawing. It's a chimp's head on a monkey's body. Sorry. I guess I'm just feeling defensive today.

See, I've steadfastly held the position that I didn't need Facebook. When I joined MySpace, it became a ghost town almost instantly. I feared, nay, swore that the same thing would happen with Facebook. Maybe it still will. I don't know. I just don't have the strength to fight it anymore. Everyone and their cousin (and my grandma) is on it, and I don't feel like a rebel by not doing it anymore. I just feel like a luddite. I'm still trying to figure out the best way to use the site (I plan on promoting this blog, once I figure out how), but so far, I have to say I'm enjoying it. Maybe it's the flood of accepted friend requests that always accompany signing up for a new social networking service, or maybe I just like the site. It seems less like MySpace, and more like a focused, more involved and connected Twitter. I guess I'll see. Don't hate me for giving up my ideals.

Cheers,
Eli

Hell Baby (p.48)

2009-08-27T16:21:00.000-07:00

According to today's Achewood, it would appear that Roast Beef has died. It's a long story, and I'm not sure I understand it yet. It involves Williams & Sonoma, a creepy character named Cartilage Head, sapphic erotica, and something called the Lash of Thanatos. Granted, Roast Beef has died several times before, but who knows where this will lead. In any case, it makes for a good introduction to the Hell Baby.
This is basically an arrangement of breakfast foods designed to look like a baby that came from hell. Mission accomplished. Once again, not really a recipe (it didn't tell you how to cook an egg or bacon), but it made for a good "breakfast for dinner" meal (there's a lot of breakfasts in this book, by the way). A fried egg for the head, ham steak for the body, sausages for the arms, and bacon for the pants. The recipe notes that toast triangles could be used for shoes, but that Roast Beef feels this makes the baby less hellish. I agreed. Plus, the baby's legs were already hanging off the plate, so there was nowhere for shoes to go. The ham steak I bought was giant. It appeared in the recipe diagram like you should use a whole one as the body, but if it was drawn to scale, they were using a much smaller steak than mine. I cut it in half. It was a very nice ham, though, and not too salty. Melissa even ate most of hers and she doesn't usually eat ham or pork. I was so proud.

I also had a couple of extra sausages, so I made the baby a walking stick. In my head, I thought that an old man baby that needed a cane (like Benjamin Button) would be appropriately hellish and evil (like Benjamin Button-the movie, not the character). I considered making the sausage a hell baby penis, but got embarrassed when I realized people in my family would read this. Of course, I went ahead and mentioned it anyway, so I probably should have done it. To complete the macabre display, I added a personal touch to my baby - cheese grits (this was the other meal overpowered by the sharp cheddar, if you're keeping score). I didn't like grits when I lived in the South, mostly out of principle, but now I find that if I mix some cheese or bacon bits in they can be a pretty tasty breakfast. So, I made my Hell Baby vomit up some cheese grits:
One more thing I'd like to mention- Roast Beef says that "traditionally" the Hell Baby's pants are made of tripe, but that it's not a fashionable meat so he substituted bacon. I literally had to look up to make sure this wasn't a traditional dish somewhere. This is something that Achewood is very good at- creating back stories, histories, and traditions and making them seem like something everyone should have always been familiar with. It really makes the world of the comic feel real, and it's a very nice touch.

This is the last recipe I'm trying this week, but it's worth bringing up that I will be eating Achewood again before I return. We made Pat's Fool's Rice again for a stir fry last night, and tonight we're repeating the Toasted Nut Orzo, since we had so enough of all of the ingredients left over. That's all for now, see you all next week! (Unless something fun or exciting happens before then, in which case I'll post a regular, non-Selzer & Smuckles entry).

Cheers,
Eli

Flavor Burgers (p.31) and Perfect Oven Fries Every Time (p.17)

2009-08-26T16:15:00.000-07:00

Well, it was bound to happen. Not every recipe can be a winner, and this dinner was a big swing and a miss. Neither dish lived up to expectations and it made for a rather depressing evening.

The main dish was Flavor Burgers, courtesy of Teodor. Teodor is a young bear (college age, maybe a little older) who has kind of a snobbish, frat boy attitude. He is, however, a pretty darn good chef and very into gourmet food. In fact, the stories in Achewood about his cooking are part of why I was inspired to get better at it myself. At one point, I toyed around with the idea of having this series exist in a world where the Achewood characters were "real" and might stop by and see how I was handling their recipes. This conversation with Teodor that I had scribbled down illustrates his character pretty well, I think:

"Me: So, this is my kitchen.
Teodor: Hm. Dried spices, no fresh herbs. Do you just want me to open the Chef Boy-ar-dee can or heat it up for you, too?
Me: Well, um, there's some good spice blends in there...I order from this place in Chicago where...
Teodor: I guess I can make do with these pots and pans. At least they're not covered in Teflon. All-Clad would be nice..."
Me: We can't all have generous billionaire cats as benefactors.
Teodor: Oh my god, a knife block!? Like you bought a set at Target? You've got to be kidding me.
Me: I..um, keep them well-sharpened.
Teodor: Look, if you can't afford a set of Henckels or Wusthoffs, whatever, but this crap isn't even full tang! I might as well cook with a rusty Boy Scout knife.
I curled into the fetal position in the corner, while Teodor used my pathetic implements to craft the finest duck confit with truffle oil and an oyester ceviche that I'm likely ever to eat."

Anyway, given that background, I expected a lot. I mean, in Teodor's introduction to the book (all of the characters get one) he begs Chris (the creator of Achewood) to let him include fancier meals. Unfortunately, these burgers didn't live up to the hype. They weren't bad, by any means, but they never really formed right (and one of Melissa's was pretty undercooked in the middle, though this was my error, not the recipe's). Plus they stuck to my non-stick griddle (the recipe specifically said to put them in a dry pan, so I did). The mustard was too overpowering for my taste, and the texture wasn't right- likely a result of mixing the cheese into the patties. It's possible I used too much or not enough cheese, but I think I was pretty close. It didn't help that the cheese I used was an overly-sharp cheddar. I used it in something else last night, and it didn't work well there either. Overall, I think I could make some improvements and make some nice burgers here, they just never came together that night.

Ray's Perfect Oven Fries Every Time were probably the bigger disappointment. I've seen several reviews of the Achewood cookbook where this recipe alone is quoted as being worth the cover price. I followed the recipe perfectly and this is what I ended up with:
I don't know if it reads in the picture, but those puppies are blackened. My sloppy knife work resulted in two tiny fries that I expected to burn. However, the rest of them were charred, as well. You flip the fries once (from their back to their sides) and also take them out and increase the heat once. By the time I increased the heat, the side the fries had been flipped on to was already black. I don't know why. The foil was shiny side down. Could the fact that it was non-stick foil cause a potato to blacken that much faster? Enlighten me. It's especially troubling since the recipe tells you not to worry about overcooking the potatoes. Well, overcook them I did. I could taste a hint of the crunchy-then-fluffy goodness this recipe was supposed be on some of the larger fries, but it was always tempered by the dry blackness below. It was like these fries had the plague, and I had been sentenced by my medieval lord to eat their bodies from the "bring out your dead" cart as punishment for steeling a pig. So disappointing. And, two days later I can still smell burnt potato in our apartment. Just lovely.

Oh well, they can't all be winners. I'm sure at least part of the failure for these recipes lies in my inadequacies as a cook (but seriously, those fries should be hard as hell to screw up), but I'm not willing to shoulder all the blame. More recipes tomorrow, hopefully to cleanse the palate.

Cheers,
Eli

Galaxy Nachos (p. 46)

2009-08-24T11:17:00.000-07:00

Roast Beef's Galaxy Nachos are one of the only recipes in this book actually mentioned in the comic strip. Beef makes them for the guys at several get-togethers (Ray's weekly parties, watching Braveheart, etc). They seem to be really popular, especially in situations where there is beer to be consumed. Would this popularity translate from the 2D world to the very 3-dimensional Los Angeles? In short, yes.
The recipe is pretty laid back- it doesn't list amounts for ingredients (insisting that you should just use your common sense) and the last ingredient is essentially, "anything else you think would be good." This is very in character for Roast Beef. Even when he knows he's got a good thing, he doesn't want to force anyone to do it his way because, you know, their way is probably better. No need to speak up or force anyone to do anything. This is probably the same reason I haven't written any cookbooks (or recipes, for that matter)- I have a hard time convincing myself that other people will like what I do (incidentally, this is a big reason why this blog has had so much down time in the past). Whoa, what is this? A cookbook discussion or a personal therapy session. Can it be both? Is this even possible? I'd better get a team of researchers on that right away.

We had a couple of friends over this weekend, and we bought a bag of tortilla chips. They showed up with their own bag of tortilla chips, and we ended up with a surplus. Galaxy nachos were both a dinner and a solution to a problem. So, I proceeded with the baking, as instructed. You pre-bake the chips, which makes a huge difference. They stay crunchy and have a nice toasty flavor. In the past, I've made nachos just by alternating layers of chips and cheese and microwaving it. This is a method I would qualify as "edible" (in a, "look at me, I'm in College!" kind of way). Galaxy nachos were like something you'd get at a restaurant. Maybe not Rick Bayless' place, but a Sharky's or high end bar at the very least. I did have one issue. The cheese didn't melt the way it was supposed to. Of course, I screwed up and put it on top of the beans, where the recipe called for the cheese to go on first. It didn't matter, the taste was there. The only thing I added was some sour cream (I love the cool, smoothness of sour cream on a hot, spicy dish) and we had a bowl of guacamole on the side. I cracked a beer and it made for a nice, relaxing dinner.

I can totally see making this again. Maybe when I'm having some of the guys over (this almost never happens) or we need to bring a dish to a party (this happens more frequently). It would be a nice addition to one of our movie nights, as well (hmm, haven't had one of those in a while). Heck, I'll probably just make them for dinner again sometime. If I make too many, no worries, the recipe provides convenient instructions on what to do with leftovers (throw them out). Ok, I'm out (for now). Be sure to check back later this evening, as I may have another post up (every other sentence in this paragraph has a parenthetical, so now this one does, too).

Cheers,
Eli

Proper Omelette Technique (p. 37)

2009-08-23T23:17:00.001-07:00

The proper way to prepare an omelette (note, this is not how I spell the word. Just so spell check doesn't drive me nuts, for the rest of the post, I will be spelling the word "omelet") is brought to us by Cornelius, aka Mr. Bear. Cornelius is much older than most of the residents of Acheworld. He is a well-seasoned British gentleman, and essentially every thing that most men want to be when they retire. You know those Dos Equis commercials with The Most Interesting Man in the World? Cornelius is like that guy, but way classier and he would probably never touch a Dos Equis (much like most sane people with taste buds). Cornelius is a publican (a word I learned from the comic strip), as owner of The Dude and Catastrophe- the naming of which inspired me to name this blog The Scribe and Mouse. So there, see how it all ties in?

Anyway, after the previous evening's gin-soaked film festival, I needed a bit of a pick me up in the morning. I love omelets, both in the eating and the preparing, so this seemed like as good a time as any. Normally I make a three egg beast, but the book only calls for two, so I went with that. I didn't miss the third egg (better for me and a money saver!). The method Mr. Bear suggests is similar to my standard preparation, but a few differences emerge. Infusing the egg with garlic is a nice touch, for starters. Also, I generally let a pat of butter melt into the pan, whereas the recipe used olive oil. The instructions told me to layer on ingredients as soon as I poured the egg in- I usually let things set first. Finally, Cornelius claims that the proper omelet should not be browned on the outside, whereas I generally let mine get a little toasty.
I learned a couple of things today. First, as I mentioned, the difference between a two egg omelet and a three egg omelet is negligible. It was maybe a little thinner, but the taste was the same (it tasted like an omelet, what else can I say?). Well, I could taste the garlic, and, like I told you already, it was a nice touch. Another thing I learned is that if you want to "roll" your omelet using only the pan (instead of a spatula), you should probably put your fillings on the side of the omelet closest to the handle. I was totally ready to roll my omelet like a pro, but as it started, I could see that the filling was going to get in the way. For some reason, my instinct has always been to place my cheeses and vegetables on the "outer" edge of the pan. This instinct is strong enough that I even did it on the second omelet, when I purposely was trying not to. Oh well, next time.

Speaking of fillings, the recipe considered them optional. There were some suggestions listed, but I went with what I had on hand - mozzarella, tomato, pecans, and a greek omelet seasoning. I will not consider my mission to conquer the Achewood cookbook "incomplete" if I don't try omelets with each of the suggested fillings. They weren't really part of the recipe, just an afterthought. I'll probably try them at some point (I make omelets fairly often), but for now I'm content with what I did.

The final lesson I learned, and I don't exactly know how to apply this in the future, is that the second omelet cooks much faster than the first. As soon as I poured the egg in, it started to solidify and bubble like an angry yellow jellyfish (this is a very witty analogy; jellyfish don't have emotions- ha!). As you can see from the picture, this one turned out much browner than the one before it, and it still didn't completely cook in the middle. I really had no time to fill and flip before the char had started to form. If anyone has suggestions on how to remedy this, I'd love to hear them (seriously, hit me up in the comments). My thinking is to let the pan cool a bit before I start cooking the second, but then the first one's getting cold while it waits for me to finish. I'm just trying to enjoy a nice breakfast with my wife, Nature, is that too much to ask? I mean, come on, Nature, let me fry up some of your unborn baby chickens in a more convenient way! We're not through, here, Nature...

Cheers,
Eli

Satellite TV (p.11) (plus, Mamma Mia!)

2009-08-22T23:01:00.001-07:00

Ok, this isn't a recipe. Brought to us by Ray, Satellite TV is more of a craft project than a recipe. You make a garnish similar to the Drink of Tomorrow, then you pour gin on top of it. Done. Now granted, if Ray were real (instead of being a cartoon cat), this is probably what he would consider a recipe. I know I haven't explained Ray yet, really, but just know that he would consider this to be pretty advanced. Once again, the cookbook called for a specific variety of toothpick (black plastic) that I didn't have. I'm not made of money, Achewood cookbook, I only have one kind of toothpick. I'm not speaking ill of this drink, exactly; I enjoyed several of them this evening. But it wouldn't be fair to call it a recipe.

So, there's not much to discuss. Instead, I'm going to talk about the movie I watched while enjoying these. Mamma Mia! would be awfully hard to enjoy without the IV drip of gin that I had. I take that back: it's probably enjoyable, it's just not intelligent or coherent. I have never before seen such a flimsy premise to string together an array of "popular" songs. I'm not a huge Abba fan, and that probably didn't help. I'm going to give you a basic synopsis of what happened in this movie: nothing. A girl doesn't know who her father is, and at the end (spoiler alert) she still doesn't. No one has any serious conflict, they just sing and "dance" around. The choreography of this movie felt like what we called at Valdosta State "Jacque-ography" (that's not a compliment for this movie). You know me. I love musicals. Love them more than most straight men. I just couldn't make it through this one without a steady dose of alcohol.

It's weird for a fan of musicals to say this, but what would have helped Mamma Mia! most is to cut a couple of songs. I started tuning them out because they had absolutely no bearing on the plot. The structure of this movie was, "Inane dialogue->flimsy pretense-> Abba song-> Repeat->The End." Also, no one should have ever let Pierce Brosnan sing. Also also, how do you make an Abba musical and not include Fernando? One of the dads couldn't be named Fernando? This one song would have added a full star to my rating. Seriously. Thanks to Ray's Satellite TV drink, I made it through.

Then, we watched the latest James Bond movie, Quantum of Solace. It was a little hard to follow (and that's not just a result of the gin), but it was entertaining and at least stuff blew up. Mamma Mia! would have been better if stuff blew up. I'm just sayin'.

I had the realization as I was watching Mamma Mia! that if I had stayed as a musical theater actor, at some point later in my career I would have ended up playing one of the fathers. This made me sad, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it. I probably would have loved every minute of it.

Ok, it's late (at least, it's late for someone who got up at 6am on a Saturday to run 8 miles) and I'm drunk. REaally very drunk. I'm going to have a glass of water and go to bed. I don't think I'm going to get anything done tomorrow. Peace out y'alls.

Cheers,
Eli

Toasted Nut Orzo (p.33)

2009-08-22T10:11:00.000-07:00

Pasta is a mainstay at our apartment. Pretty much every week we have one meal where the main course is a pasta dish. Pasta is quick and ridiculously easy to make (seriously, you cannot screw it up. Go ahead and try), and to top it all off, it's delicious. I don't care what the Carb Nazis say, pasta is not leaving my menu (though I do try to go whole wheat when I can- Trader Joe's whole wheat spaghetti is the best I've found, and damn cheap, too). However, I'm always looking for new ways to serve it. As you can imagine, opening a jar of store-bought sauce and dumping it on the plate can get old sometimes. We change things up- a red sauce, a white sauce, tortellini in olive oil with a spice sprinkle, etc. But I'm always happy to try a new style of pasta.

Which is why I was excited to try Pat's (we've discussed him before) Toasted Nut Orzo. I liked his rice so much that I had high expectations. Pat's character really shone through in this description- he yells at the reader/preparer about olive oils and making sure the nuts don't get blackened. Plus, there's the arrogance of the "yield" portion of the recipe, which reads "This will serve about four real lucky folks." Well, it served two lucky folks- Melissa and me - And we both really enjoyed it.

Before I go into too many details, let's talk olive oil. The recipe starts with a description admonishing anyone who doesn't use a "first cold pressed" extra virgin olive oil. It's a rather lengthy diatribe (for such a small book) and nearly had me convinced that I needed to run out to the store to buy some higher quality oil. The stuff I have is cold pressed and extra virgin, but it's not first cold press, and it's pretty cheap for a big jug at TJ's. But you know what? I resisted. I've tried several fancier olive oils and definitely know that there's a wide variety of flavors for something that's marketed as a single product family. My stuff may only cost $6, but I like the flavor, and I think that's what's important. I'm pretty sure this section was included so people who only own one pan and a serrated knife don't go thinking they can substitute vegetable oil or the cheap olive oil they use for frying for something that's basically a dressing (and as such, should have a lot of flavor). Moving on.

I like nuts, but I like them by themselves or in a dessert, for the most part. I was a little hesitant to throw them into a pasta dish, which seems like a strange texture mix to me. But, that's what this is all about - trying things you normally wouldn't. When I was toasting the nuts and scallions and it came time to flip/toss them, I really wanted to do that thing I see professional chefs and Top Chef contestants do where they just flick the pan and send the contents flying into the air, catching them a moment later. I started to, but I just couldn't get up the nerve. I think I need to practice with a cold pan and a bag of M&M's or something before I try it on a meal I actually have to eat (same goes for cracking an egg with one hand, which I also tried this week and chickened out on).
To my delight (I was going to say surprise, but I've already learned to trust Chris Onstad and his cookbook- there hasn't been a clunker, yet) the almonds and pecans made a nice addition to the dish. The crunch was satisfying and the toasty, smoky flavor worked very nicely with the scallions and the oil. Oh, and there's feta cheese in it, too, which is a good way to earn a positive review from me. I simply can't get enough feta. Or goat cheese, for that matter. Any goat cheese recipes in this book? No? Damn.

The good news is, we have enough of all the ingredients leftover to make this meal twice (and they didn't cost that much to began with), and I'm sure we will be doing so soon. Until I cook again,

Cheers,
Eli

Basque Green Bean Salad (p.20)

2009-08-19T23:05:00.001-07:00

This recipe is brought to us by none other than Roast Beef Kazenzakis. Roast Beef is a cat with some serious anxiety issues. He's had a tough life. As the comic so often points out, "the dude is from circumstances." Still, Beef is probably the character I identify with most- a nerd who over worries everyday activities and probably doesn't give himself enough credit for being awesome. I expected big things from this recipe.

The start of this recipe involves having a hard-boiled egg, sliced into coins. My first thought was, "I'll grab some from the salad bar at Ralph's and be done with it." But no. That's not what this project is about. The recipe pointed me to a different recipe of Roast Beef's- his deviled eggs. I followed his instructions (loving the part where he asks the editor whether it's ok to tell people they need to have tap water or if that's so basic it would be insulting).
They say a chef can do 100 things with an egg (hence the 100 pleats on the chef's toque, traditionally) and that any chef who can't prepare an egg properly is no chef at all. Still, I'd never hard boiled one that I can remember (I may have done it as a child, but I didn't acquire the taste for them until later in life). It was an easy process, and it came out perfectly. I'll go into more detail when I make the deviled eggs.
The sauce was a simple matter of combining a few simple things and stirring them with "a whisk or whatever" (you can see my whisk or whatever in the picture above). Add in a strained can of green beans and chill. That's it. I was making this as a side for two, so I halved the recipe, and it made the perfect amount.
Melissa was very forthcoming in telling me that she did not expect to like this dish. She's not a big green bean person and mustard and mayo didn't make sense as a sauce. She was pleasantly surprised. The tangy sauce really made the salad stand out and it made a nice side for the stuffed salmon we were having (non-Achewood recipe). It kind of brought to mind deviled egg filling with vegetables in it. I might try it in the future with fresh green beans, but I don't know that it would make me that much of a difference. This dish was more about the sauce than the vegetable for me. It was just another reminder that you can do wonderful things with a few simple, basic ingredients.

Cheers,
Eli

Birthday, I Would LIke You To Dance

2009-08-18T15:30:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday was my birthday. I'm 27 now. I feel pretty much the same way I felt last week. I'm at that stretch between 25 and 30 where birthdays don't really mean that much and tend to blend together. Still, any excuse to celebrate...

Melissa and I celebrated on Sunday, so we'd have more time to enjoy it. I got some very cool books and a lot of camera equipment, including 2 new lenses to take to Disney World next month. I can't wait to really put them to the test! That night, she took me to dinner at Ciudad downtown (the restaurant of Mary Sue Milliken and Susan Feninger from Too Hot Tamales on Food Network). As you know, I've been on a real "fancy food" kick and Melissa decided to indulge me. Sunday night is All Tapas night, which I found a little disappointing at first, but it really seemed like it was basically a tasting menu for the restaurant. It was a fantastic meal.

It started with the host bringing us an amuse bouche from the Chef since it was our first visit. This is the first time I've been somewhere fancy enough to actually have an amuse bouche and it made me feel all important and junk. It was a shot glass of spicy green tomato gazpacho that really showed me the level of quality I was in for. Melissa and I each ordered a flight of wine (she the South American flight, I the California- $12 for 3 glasses- very reasonable) and our first round of tapas. The housemade chips (a blend of potato and plantains served with a light aioli) was a pleasant start, and the goat cheese fritters were delicious (even if it was just fried goat cheese). But the highlight of the first round were the two "rotating" dishes - the Farmer's Market inspired special and the Ceviche. The Farmer's Market was a watermelon salad with delicious sweet melon, watercress, string cheese, and a desert wine reduction. It was sweet enough to be a dessert, but worked very well as a starter. The ceviche that night was mussels and mahi mahi (and one other shellfish...maybe clams?). Very strong tastes of cilantro and lime- I could have eaten much more of this. Even Melissa liked it and she was skeptical of the uncooked fish. Just wonderful.

The second round we ordered more hearty fare. Some LA douchebags a couple of tables over (guys in spiked hair and tank tops, girls on their phones the whole night) were loudly declaring that the steak was "the best fucking thing [they'd] ever tasted." Assuming they meant the Tri-Tip Picanha, I decided it was worth a shot. Now, maybe it's because they were so drunk, but they may have been over-exaggerating just a bit. Which isn't to say it wasn't good- the layer of char on the steak was especially tasty - it just wasn't mind-blowingly epic. The Portuguese Linguica Sausage, however, was. The sausage itself was cooked just right and had a nice blend of spicy and sweet to it that paired well with the fried onions on top. What really put it over the edge, though, was the sauce. The sausage was sitting in a sauce of brandy and honey that I wanted to bottle and put on everything I ever ate again. If I was a douchebag, I would have been swearing and yelling about the sausage as much as those guys at the other table. But I'm a gentlemen, and I have some dignity, so I celebrated my ecstasy quietly at my table with my wife.

We finished with a plantain split desert. I'd only had fried plantains before, and was surprised at how sweet they were served raw with ice cream and chocolate sauce. It was a nice end to the evening.

Last night, on my actual birthday, we went to Carney's (which I've mentioned before) with a group of my friends. I had a chili dog and a Chicagoan polish and some of the best conversation I've ever had. Melissa and I sat at an outdoor table with 3 "couple" friends of ours (Hi Mike and Shannon, Mike and Bailee, and Josh and Aubrey!) and enjoyed ourselves to no end. We talked for what seemed like hours and I could have stayed much later into the night (though it was, believe it or not, getting a little chilly). I got some lovely and thoughtful presents and cards, but the highlight of the night was just hanging out with my friends. I felt like we were 8 people who just got each other- no pressure, just lots of laughs and good times. After a long day at work, I couldn't have asked for a better evening. It makes me smile just thinking about it now.

Ok, hopefully this food-heavy blog has whetted your appetite for the next installment of Selzer & Smuckles, which is set to resume tomorrow. I only have 2 or 3 recipes planned for this week, but I think they'll be fun ones. See you then!

Cheers,
Eli

Drawn To Adventure!

2009-08-14T22:02:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody! A lot of activity around here the past couple of days, and it's not about to start. If you head over to Eros Inc right about now (or, at the very least, very shortly) you will see a guest comic written and drawn by yours truly! "But Eli," you're saying, "you don't know how to draw!" Damn skippy I don't. But for some reason, my very good friend Michael May decided it was a good idea for me to do this. I'm really proud of the way it turned out, if I may say so, and I had an absolute blast doing it. So thanks, Mike! Go check it out!

If you're coming here from Eros, Inc and finding me for the first time, welcome! I'm glad to have you here. My name is Eli. I'm a writer and assistant in Hollywood with absolutely no art training whatsoever. Well, ok, I've been to the Animation Academy at Disney's California Adventure twice. I don't have a degree, I have a picture of Minnie Mouse and one of Pluto. I love Disneyland and comedy and the Chicago Cubs and food. There, that's about all you need to know about me. I hope you keep coming back, the more the merrier! Right now I'm in the middle of a Julie & Julia-esque conquering of the Achewood cookbook that I'm calling Selzer & Smuckles (regular readers, scroll down! You may have missed my post on hot dogs earlier this evening).

Everyone take a look around, and I hope you like what you see. Thanks again, Mike, it was a pleasure to do this strip for you! I enjoyed it so much, I might do some comicing of my own one day.

Cheers,
Eli

Perfect Hot Dogs Every Time (p.26)

2009-08-13T22:35:00.000-07:00

Okay suckers, it's about to get real. As most of you are aware, I know a thing or two about hot dogs. In fact, I'm rather picky about them. So, when some cartoon cat tells me he knows how to make "Perfect Hot Dogs Every Time," the gauntlet has been thrown. Normally, I'd tell you a little about the character of Ray. However, this doesn't seem like the best recipe to introduce him. Just know that he would probably prefer to eat something fancier, but if no one's going to make anything for him, he's probably going to consider hot dogs a real accomplishment. Oh, and Ray is the Smuckles whom "Selzer & Smuckles" is named after. He's kind of a big deal. It's on.

So, anyway, like most of the recipes this week, this is more of a "method" than a true "recipe." However, it's a method I haven't tried for hot dogs before, so I'm game. It basically involves cooking them in a frying pan with a bit of water until all the water is absorbed or evaporated. Easy enough. And the dogs turned out ok. I didn't buy the fancier natural casing dogs I prefer, just a simple, all beef Farmer John stadium dog. They came out well plumped without feeling rubbery. I normally boil a pot of water, and once it's boiling, turn off the heat and throw the dogs in for ten minutes as it cools. Always perfect. I prefer steamed dogs, but I haven't really been able to try it at home (though the steamer insert that came with my new pots and pans might be able to handle it). It's hard to call these hot dogs "perfect" without trying Ray's method on a higher quality dog, but it seems to work pretty well.

Unfortunately, the rest of this recipe might as well have been the Book of the Damned. I take that back. It suggests toasting the buns, which I normally don't do, and it turned out to be a nice texture. That part was ok. The rest, though....the horrors, the horrors. Now, most hot dog aficionados will tell you there's two rules for preparing wieners (sorry, I hate that word, I just got tired of typing "dog"): 1- No ketchup for anyone over 6, and 2- Dress the dog, not the bun. The first two instructions for dog construction here? Take some ketchup and put it on the bun before you put the dog in. You might as well tell me to beat up a kitty. Don't get me wrong- I made a commitment to this project and I'm not about to let some personal preference keep me from completing this cookbook, but this was almost too much to bear. I made one dog as instructed and one with mustard, relish, and onions- a "control dog," if you will, so I could fairly judge how the prep method worked.

And how was this demon dog from beyond hell? Just as I expected- cheap tasting and unpleasant. The ketchup's acidity did not pair well with the dog meat; all I could taste was the ketchup. And, since it was underneath the frank, it made the bottom of the bun all soggy- no mean feat since the bun was toasted before we started. Who likes soggy bread? No one, that's who (strawberry shortcake is the exception, not the rule). You want a perfect dog? Make it Chicago style- all beef, natural casing dog topped with yellow mustard, white onion, and sweet relish; two tomato wedges on one side, a dill pickle spear down the other; two sport peppers (optional); serve in a warm poppy seed bun and top with celery salt. It sounds like a lot of toppings, but these flavors work like crazy! I have never made these for anyone who did not like them. You want to put ketchup on your hot dog? Fine! Have fun hitting that monolith with a bone (apologies to my wife, who likes ketchup on her hot dog, no matter what I say).

Ok, I'm done. I'll post a picture later (Unless you're reading this later and there's already a picture, in which case- you're welcome!). I'm taking a break from the cookbook this weekend because a man has to have some pizza. This is in the Constitution. Also, my birthday is Monday, so people are treating me to nice things and I won't be cooking much for a few days. Come back next week as Selzer & Smuckles continues.

Cheers,
Eli

Fool's Rice (p.19)

2009-08-12T22:21:00.000-07:00

I'm not ashamed to say that I usually make boil in a bag rice in the microwave. Ok, well, I'm a little ashamed, but I also don't eat rice all that often. Usually, I'm just making it to have with a stir-fry. But, I'm always looking for ways to class up the joint and real rice seems like a good way to start.

Fool's Rice is brought to us by Pat. Pat is a dick. I apologize for the language (sorry Mom and Grandma!), but there really is no better way to describe him. Pat's a cat who is strictly, militantly vegan and seems mad at the world for not conforming to his ideals. He even yells at you in this recipe, making sure you don't touch the damn pot until he tells you to. This is actually something I've been learning as I cook- It's ok to leave things alone for a while. My instincts are to move food around in the pan a lot. You know, to feel like I'm doing something. But as I've found when I make crab cakes or pan fried chicken or fish, the best way to get a nice even crisp on the outside while cooking the inside is to set it in the pan, leave it alone, and flip it once. This ranks up there with "most things don't need to be cooked on higher than a medium heat" with rules I've learned from stainless steel cookware.

Anyway, the rice. I followed the directions, put the lid on and left it alone. Almost instantly the pot boiled over. I had already lowered the heat, I guess the aluminum core in the pan just didn't cool fast enough. Oh well, it was just a little boil over and didn't cause too much of a mess. When it was ready, I fluffed and served. We were having a tofu stir-fry (partly to celebrate Pat's vegan roots and partly because we always make tofu stir-fry). What can I say? It was some of the best rice I've ever had. Maybe because it was Pat, and I expected such an unpleasant character's recipes to be unpleasant, but I was not expecting such fluffy, creamy rice. And the use of olive oil instead of butter was a tasty, healthy alternative. The rice was so good that it really overshadowed the rest of the stir-fry, which was a first. It may take a little more time, but I'm pretty sure this just replaced boiling bags as my preferred method of rice preparation. Now, the recipe said that no rice would stick to the pot, and while no actual rice grains did, it did leave a white, gummy residue on the pan. Maybe this is expected. I don't know, and I don't really care. It rinsed right out after a vinegar soak (standard for my stainless steel after cooking).

"But, Eli," you're saying, "where's the pictures?" It was rice. You've seen rice before, right? That's what it looked like. Just imagine that. Ok, I'm done. See you tomorrow.

Cheers,
Eli

Easy Appetizers (p.12) & The Drink of Tomorrow (p.10)

2009-08-12T21:50:00.001-07:00

And so it begins. I wanted to start with something easy, and I thought it made sense, thematically, to begin with an appetizer. What recipe might fit that bill? How about Easy Appetizers by Philippe? Sounds about right. As I introduce recipes, it helps if you know about the characters of Acheworld. Philippe is 5 years old. He is also an otter. He is a breath of sweetness and innocence in a crude, debauched world. He has a winning spirit and a love for hugs, not to mention an uncanny knack for excelling at things a person (or otter) of his age has no business being good at (existential poetry, standup comedy, running for president, etc.). His appetizer recipe fits his personality perfectly- it's simple, sweet, and surprisingly sophisticated. The description of the recipe in the book sounds like it was written by a worldly, experienced chef (and is honestly as sad and touching as it is funny).

It's not really fair to call this recipe "cooking," as I didn't have to turn on the oven or stove at all. The most complicated maneuvers were slicing the baguette and tomato. Everything else was a matter of opening, spreading, and stacking (which sounds more like a naughty weekend than appetizer preparation). Here's how it turned out:

It was really quite pleasant. The brie and ham paired nicely and made for a very pleasant, eatable dish. I could certainly see myself making this for a larger group of people. The basil leaf could feel like it was overpowering at times, and I may have been better served using chopped (or at the very least, smaller leaves). It helped to have one of the larger tomato slices to balance the flavor. It was kind of like a French bruschetta, and that's a good thing.

Now, appetizers are nice, and we had enough of them that Melissa and I could consider it a full meal, but that didn't stop it from feeling like cocktail night. And what better way to celebrate the start of Selzer & Smuckles than to have a drink? Thankfully, the Achewood Cookbook had me covered. I had my choice of several alcoholic drink recipes. I chose the "Drink of Tomorrow"...today!
The recipe called for red toothpicks, but I didn't have any and didn't want to risk lead poisoning by painting them. I figured my "Elegance Toothpicks" would be good enough. Seriously, that's what they say- "Elegance Toothpicks." Not "elegant," "elegance." Elegance is not an adjective. As such, I can only assume that these toothpicks exude such an air of elegance that it had to be included on the label. With that kind of arrogance, I choose to believe that the little ridges on the ends were hand routed by industrious gnomes. I dare you to prove me wrong.

How was the drink? I wrote down some notes at the time, to make sure I captured my real impressions:
9:00pm-"Interesting. The marshmallow satellite is a fun and attractive garnish. I'm pretty sure this is going to stain my tongue. Let me check a mirror...yep. Overall, it tastes a little alcoholy. Maybe it's just because it's blue, but I expected something sweeter. Maybe a little sugar. Or a higher quality vodka. Yeah, that would probably do it. Still, it's drinkable. I guess I'll pour another."
9:25pm-"Man, I was being too uptight. This is pretty damn good! Yeah, it has a kick, but it's supposed to. I feel like I should be wearing a shiny jumpsuit when I drink this. Disneyland should serve them in Tomorrowland. Just fantastic. One more, please!"
9:35pm-"Wow, this is...I can't even...You know what you should do? Buy a boat. Everyone should have a boat. That way you can...sail and stuff. Can I have...one? Out. Aw man, that can't be right...."
9:37pm-"Hey I could eat the marshmallows! They've probably got some...tomorrow in them. Yes! They're fanttastic [sic], magiccally delicisou [sic]! I think I need...adsf;;lasdffjjfsa" (note- I did not actually write out those letters at the end, but I couldn't think of a better way to indicate handwriting trailing off).

So, that's it for night one! Two recipes off the board. This is fun! See you tomorrow when I get really daring and make rice!

Cheers,
Eli

Selzer & Smuckles

2009-08-11T17:13:00.000-07:00

I've been inspired by Julie & Julia. Not inspired enough to actually see the movie, of course; I'm a man (I kid, I'll probably catch it on Netflix and really enjoy it). No, I've been inspired to pick a cookbook and work my way through it. You know, see what it teaches me about life, and whatnot. Now, I've never read Julie Powell's book or blog, so I don't know what kind of experiences she wrote about and I won't be trying to ape her in any way. I just thought the concept sounded fun, especially for someone with a completist collector's mentality like myself (in the sense that if I have one of something, I usually want the complete set). But what cookbook to choose?

Julie Child had already been done, so that was out of the question. Pepin's Technique? A little too, well, technical. And way to large; I don't have that kind of commitment towards this project. Giada DeLaurentis? I'd get too fat on her rich, Italian cooking, and those pictures of her might be distracting (as I joked with Melissa, I refer to her show as "Cooking With Boobies"...I'm 12). Jamie Oliver? Flipping through his cookbook, I think I might die of a smug overdose. Better Homes and Gardens? Again, too much. And what am I, a house wife? Then my eyes settled on a little wirebound book that would be perfect- "Achewood- Recipes for a Lady or A Man".

As you probably know (or would if you looked at the links on this page) I'm a huge fan of the webcomic Achewood. Melissa got me this cookbook for Christmas, and just flipping through it, it's hilarious. Now, a cookbook doesn't have to be funny. It just helps. The recipes range from super simple to slightly complex, but are designed to be accessible to Average Guys and Gals with stuff they probably have on hand. This is just perfect for someone like me who is looking to step up from "Guy who cooks food" to "Guy who cooks really good food." I had made my decision. Since Chris Onstad (the man behind Achewood) has been kind enough to offer not to sue based on the concept alone, I'm ready to go.

I'm not going to be following a strict schedule, this isn't about trying to complete a project in a set amount of time. I'll make 2 or 3 of the recipes a week and share my experiences here. I start tonight, check back tomorrow for the first installment. Join me, won't you?

Cheers,
Eli

Don't Want to Be An American Idiot

2009-08-10T10:35:00.001-07:00

I've been meaning for a while to post something about how I'm considering giving up The Daily Show and Colbert Report as bedtime viewing. It's not because of any great ideological shifts (unlike when I stopped caring about David Letterman the minute he apologized to Sarah Palin - grow a pair and stand up to the moronocracy, Dave), but because of the stuff they're making fun of. It's gotten to the point where the political discourse in this country has devolved to the point where even watching people making fun of it is too hard. The Rush Limbaughs and Sean Hannities and Bill Kristols of the world are so infuriating that I can't even pay attention to the punchlines. It raises my blood pressure so much that it makes it hard to sleep. (I should point out that I'm not mad at these people because they are conservative Republicans, it's because they are conservative Republican idiots. I'm sure there are sane, intelligent conservative Republicans out there somewhere, they've just never let one on TV before).

And then there's the people who watch Fox News, only to parrot what they hear without researching it or thinking about it. The Daily Show, at least, called Fox out on this in a rather brilliant piece last week:

Anyway, as I said, I was going to post about how sad this all made me, and how angry I am that stupid people seem to be given the vast majority of American "news" airtime, but Bill Maher wrote an article for the Huffington Post that sums it up much nicer than I could.

New Rule: Smart President ≠ Smart Country

Enjoy.

Cheers,
Eli

Mad Dogs and Englishmen

2009-08-06T16:54:00.000-07:00

It's been hot in LA. I know, I know, it's supposed to be hot in LA, but that doesn't make it any more pleasant. I also hear a lot of people, particularly in the southeast, telling me, "But it's a dryyyy heat, that's not so bad." Tell that to the skeleton the vultures are gnawing on in the desert. Oh wait, you can't. He's dead from dry heat.

Seriously, though, it doesn't matter how humid it is; when the temperature gets into the high 90s, it's unpleasant. It's also been more humid here than it usually is (currently at 39%, I've seen it in the 90s a few times this summer), plus I'm a sweaty guy- every heat is a wet heat (that sounded dirtier than I intended).

Of course, none of this is entirely relevant as I spend most of my day in the Arctic. My cubicle is directly below a broken AC vent that is constantly set to blow at full power. It's not too bad this time of year, but far less fun in the winter. It can be pretty bad, but I refuse to bring a coat to work in the middle of the summer. I mean, didn't you just hear me tell you how hot it is? I don't even want to carry the extra weight in my bag, if I don't have to. The cold of my office, however, makes the heat outside worse. I step outside to walk to the bus, and it's a sensation not unlike going from a cold swimming pool into the hot tub, minus the refreshment. Even at 7pm, the mile from the train station to my home is a hot walk (about to be a hot bike ride- more in a future post). By the time I get home, all I want to do is strip off my clothes and lay under the air conditioner for a while. But it could be worse- it could be a wet heat (he said, sarcastically).

I just turned in a project for next week that I think will be pretty cool, so stay tuned for that.

Also, between lunch and now I had to book my boss a trip to Australia leaving tonight. When I mentioned it to someone and they seemed impressed, I said, "Well, it's what I do." And that made me sad. "What I do" is scramble to arrange for other people to visit exotic places. Oh well, paying my dues and all that.

Cheers,
Eli

I'm Not Bad, I'm Just Drawn That Way

2009-07-29T15:08:00.000-07:00

If you've paid attention to the links I've posted on this site (and why haven't you?), then you'll notice I link to a webcomic called Eros Inc. This is a strip done by my good friend Mike (not Funt) Smith (code name Michael May, aka Captain Spacebeard) that revolves around a young cupid and her ragtag, zany bunch of friends in the Silver Lake neighborhood of Los Angeles. Ok, that's not the best description, but trust me, it's fantastic. And I'm not just saying that because he's a friend, I really dig it and look forward to reading it 3 times a week (he publishes MWF. If he published on Tuesday and Thursday, I'd look forward to it 5 times a week. How funny would it be if he published 5, and I only looked forward to 3 of them? Ok, this parenthetical tangent has gone on long enough). You should really check it out. Take the time to go back to the beginning and read the existing chapters, it will make a lot more sense that way, and I promise you'll enjoy it.

Why do I mention this? Well imagine my surprise on Monday when I open my browser, click my way over to Eros Inc, and see myself, right there in a flashback sequence!

I wasn't positive it was me, but the Haunted Mansion t-shirt gave it away (and yes, Mike knows it's 999 Happy Haunts, I already teased him about it). I'm standing with Melissa, and if you look at the full picture, Mike (Yes Funt) and Bailee are at the party, too. You can check out the full strip here, but you're not likely to know what's going on without reading the whole series (which I've already told you to do):
Memories Pushed Down Below

I was delighted and honored to have a cameo in the strip. Maybe one day I'll repay the favor (he said, blatantly hinting at something).

Now if only I could convince Chris Onstad that Achewood needed me in some way...

Cheers,
Eli

Metro Musings

2009-07-23T14:40:00.001-07:00

So, I've been wanting to post something about this for a long time, and today seems like as good a day as any. Since January, I have been commuting to work using a combination of bus and rail. In that time, I have driven a car to work exactly twice- both times to accommodate a dentist appointment. On the whole, I enjoy it. It gives me a chance to read and do the crossword and takes away the stress of having to drive in rush hour in LA. It is, however, not without it's quirks. And why write a blog if you're not going to complain a bit, eh? So here we go, my observations on LA Metro:

1. I'd rather take the train. Our subway system is fantastic. The trains are relatively clean, they run on a tight schedule, there's plenty of information about schedules posted and updated throughout the stations. The only problem is it doesn't really go anywhere. At least, not anywhere that most people need to go. Melissa and I use it to get to the Ahmanson (Spamalot was a riot, by the way) and the Arclight (the one in Hollywood, not the abomination in Sherman Oaks where we saw Harry Potter. That theater should be ashamed to call itself an Arclight), and I can take the train to Hollywood and Highland and transfer to a bus. In a real city, I'd be able to take a train to West Hollywood or Beverly Hills, but that just isn't the case. And the buses run on no apparent schedule whatsoever, especially in the evening. I arrive at my bus stops at the same time every day. Sometimes I wait 5 minutes for a bus, sometimes 45. And it has nothing to do with traffic. Most of the time I'm waiting long stretches, traffic is moving easily. My bus in the morning is usually there within the same 5 minute window, but once or twice it just hasn't come at all. What we need is a system (like they have in Chicago and other major cities) where the public has access to the bus's GPS (and they are being tracked, you can follow it on a screen when you're actually on the bus). Port that information to a web or mobile phone app and the system becomes much more tolerable. It makes it easier to decide whether I should wait for a bus or hike to the train station.

2. One person, one seat. This may seem like common sense, but I'm amazed at how many people put their backpacks or purses on the seat next to them and won't move them if someone asks for the free seat. Also, 90% of men I see on the bus sit with their legs spread as far apart as possible, making it impossible to sit next to them. Your junk's not taking up that much room, fellas, let other people sit.

3. You're Fat. I get it. Americans have been raised to think of eating large amounts of food as normal and admirable. But this is getting out of hand. Busses are not built for the Rubenesque. If I am sitting and there is a seat between me and the next person on the bus, most patrons can not fit in that single seat. This does not stop them from trying. This morning, I sat on a seat next to a wall. The seat on the other side was unoccupied. A large woman came on the bus, and I saw right away where she was headed. She wriggled and squeezed her fat ass on the seat, forcing me to turn my body and give up 1/4 of my seat if I didn't want her sitting in my lap. I took out my iPhone to load up a new podcast, and I could not have put it back in my pocket without literally lifting her thigh flab off of my leg. I was cramped, uncomfortable, and disgusted. Airlines have started charging the overly overweight for a second seat, and I don't think it's out of line to consider similar behavior on busses. Obviously Metro can't enact anything, but have a little courtesy, people! And as if to rub it in my face, Metro doesn't enforce their "no eating or drinking on the bus" rule, so I'm constantly watching people cram fast food into their faces while they ride. Today I saw a woman drinking coffee creamer straight from the little cups at McDonald's. She must have downed half a dozen of them in the short time I was watching. Seriously, people, put down the burger and make an effort to take a little care of yourself. If not for your sake, then for the sake of people around you.

4. No one cares what you have to say. Please put down the phones, and keep conversation with the friends riding with you at a polite volume. The bus is loud, but there's no need to scream at the top of your lungs. If I can hear every word your saying from 7 rows away, the person next to you (or on the other end of that call) can hear you just fine. An observation (not a judgement): People, especially women, who speak in a foreign language speak it at least 5 times louder than everyone else on the bus.

5. "Please use rear exit" means "Please use rear exit." There are signs and announcements everywhere on the bus imploring people to use the rear exit. And yet, about half of the people at any given stop will march up and push their way out the front of the bus. The rule is there for a reason- People are entering at the front door. If they have to wait for you to get off, that holds up everyone. This will often cause a bus to miss a green light that it normally would have made. Congratulations, you just made a busload of people late because you couldn't follow instructions. (Note: This complaint doesn't apply to bike riders who are supposed to exit at the front so the driver knows not to run over them when they go to take their bike off the rack). Similarly, when buses are standing room only, the first place to fill up is the well by the rear door. This may put you out of the aisle, but it also blocks the rear door, forcing everyone to push and squeeze past you to exit. Again, courtesy, people.

So, thanks for bearing with me while I vent a bit. There are other pet peeves I have (people who pay to ride the bus for two blocks, people who "hail" the bus as if it were a taxi, people who wait 30 minutes for a bus only to not have their fare ready when it pulls up), but like I said, I mostly enjoy taking public transportation. It's cheaper than gas, and I get to be all smug about my carbon footprint. See you on the rails!

Cheers,

Eli

Beggars and Blighters and Ne'er Do-Well Cads

2009-07-17T15:05:00.000-07:00

Avast, matey! (According to crosswordese, that means, "Stop, sir!"). Today is the first entry in the Adventure Eli series, as evidenced by the lovely sketch to the right. If you're upset that it's been a while since I posted, blame that drawing. I couldn't get up the energy to draw it, but I didn't want to post this without it. That's supposed to be a toothpick I'm chewing, by the way. I could never quite make it look right.

So why the adventure theme? Well, last Saturday was Mike Funt's annual Pirate Day. We started the day at the homophonically appropriate Point Dume beach in Malibu. It was really a beautiful beach. I floated in the frigid waters longer than I had thought I would, to the point where touching my skin felt like needles. Mike had an inflatable pirate ship which he took to sea until an unforgiving wave sent him flailing down to Davy Jones (if Davy can be said to exist in the shallows). We were prepared to relaunch the vessel, but a laughing lifeguard told us that inflatables were prohibited. It makes sense, I guess, to keep the kiddies safe, but adults who are just goofing around should be allowed to play, says I!

Up next, a treasure hunt. Mike claims to have buried a treasure under an X of seaweed, and plotted a treasure map to find it. Well, we found the X, but we dug down about two feet and there was no treasure to be found. I expect that this will become something of an urban legend on the beach, and children for generations will talk of the Legend of Mike Funt's Gold.

For lunch, we walked to a seafood restaurant about 2 miles down the beach. This was pitched to us as a leisurely stroll through the sand with some slight climbing. What it actually was was a treacherous climb over craggy rocks as the waves crashed around, threatening our very lives. This was true adventure! We all made it to the restaurant in one piece, if a little shaken. Our Captain, Mike, was kind enough to buy a round of drinks because he felt bad about the ordeal. But it just served to make the whole event more exciting or piratey (though, as someone noted, real pirates would have had a ship to sail to lunch).

The evening ended back at Captain's Quarters (ie- Mike and Bailee's apartment complex rec room), where we ate and drank and played piratey games and watched piratey movies (specifically, Hook). It was a fantastic day and a hell of a lot of fun. Can't wait to see what he's cooked up for next year.

I worry looking over this post that my blog has become a "what did I do last weekend" kind of thing. I apologize for that. And to make sure it doesn't happen again, this weekend Melissa and I are seeing Spamalot at the Ahmanson and catching the new Harry Potter. I realized today that several of the smaller blog entries I would like to post have become Twitter posts recently. Next week, I make a conscious effort to spend more time here, commenting on things like crosswords, public transportation, and the many varieties of idiots I see in Los Angeles. I look forward to it. Until we sail again...

Cheers,

Eli

I Am Your Host. Your....Ghost Host.

2009-07-08T16:04:00.001-07:00

This past weekend, Melissa and I decided it would be fun to have some friends over for the 4th of July. We invited a bunch of people, and pretty much all of them came. Now, we've had people over before for movie nights or dinners, but never more than 2 or 3 at a time. 8 people (plus the two of us) came by on Saturday. All of us crammed into our little living room of our little 1 bedroom apartment. Everything that could be a chair became one. But it was a ton of fun. I think everyone had a good time (at least, I hope they did).

A few thoughts on hosting: When having a holiday get together, most people would theme their party around the specific holiday. Melissa and I think outside the box (I literally almost typed "outside the bun"- thanks Taco Bell). Fireworks and patriotism? Try Rock Band and American Idol Karaoke! I bet our neighbors just love us now. This actually seemed to be a big hit, especially the karaoke. Of course, we're all artsy/performy-type people, so it makes sense. I must humbly say that I rocked out Billie Jean (during a round where we were selecting songs at random- even the PS3 knew to pay tribute to Michael). The only thing close to fireworks we had was watching the Capitol 4th and NYC fireworks on an HDTV. Once CBS's non-HD broadcast with Neil Diamond came on, things were pretty much over (Party Tip- if you want to clear a room, put on video of Neil Diamond. Melissa and I were by ourselves within 10 minutes).

The thing is, I missed a lot of the fun. I was out on our porch, grilling burgers, sausages, and veggie skewers. I learned over the course of the evening that my tiny camping grill is ill-suited to serve this many people. There were about 3 square inches that were consistently hot, and parts of the grill I could have kept my hand on they were so cold. Grilling that much food took far too long, and I'm still not happy with the way a lot of it turned out (especially the veggies). Still, people seemed to like it. I got many compliments on my burgers (which were hastily thrown together at the last minute) and my pepper and onion chili relish (which had the honor of being the first thing I cooked in my new pans, which I love).

All in all, I think it was a successful afternoon/evening. Spending time with friends is always a joy, and to be surrounded by so many really made me feel loved. Still, I think I'll let someone else do the planning and hosting for the next couple of turns.

Cheers,

Eli

Too Many Cooks

2009-07-01T09:43:00.000-07:00

So, as you can see, I wasted no time in getting a new set of pots and pans. I wasn't in any real rush, but I got way too good of a deal on this set on a closeout at Macys.com and couldn't resist. It was already almost 70% marked down from original price, plus they were offering an additional 20% off of the closeout price. I think it's because Cuisinart updated this set to include a lid for the fry pan and take away the steamer insert. I'd rather have the steamer insert, anyway. Unfortunately, due to the way my menu for the week is planned, I won't really get to play with my new toys until Friday.

Amazingly, I ordered this set on Sunday, paid for the cheapest shipping available and it got here yesterday. This is just one of the perks of living in Los Angeles. So many companies have shipping centers here that orders arrive way ahead of schedule (though, unfortunately, I have not found this to be the case with Amazon). Last week I ordered a pair of bluetooth headphones for my iPhone on a Tuesday morning and they came on Wednesday with basic shipping. If I order cables from monoprice.com, they almost always arrive next day. Now if only Apple would start building their computers here instead of in Hong Kong...

Now, to play a bit of catch up, I am sad to report that my meeting with agency went well, but not well enough. I'm back to square one on that front. Chin up, keep writing, and all that.

Also, I'm not sure if you may have heard this, but apparently Michael Jackson died last week. At first, I traded tasteless jokes with friends (my normal response to almost everything), but after thinking about his childhood and the life he led, it made me said. Not said that he died, but sad about the way he lived. I think Mike put it best - The guy was a musical genius, but like many geniuses, he went totally insane. I enjoyed watching all of his classic videos on VH1 this weekend and remembering the music I loved. But, in a sense, the Michael Jackson I loved died somewhere around 1995, so the memorials just feel redundant somehow. Still, maybe no jokes right now.

Cheers,

Eli

...Ok, one joke. In the Tonight Show-style: "Michael Jackson died last week after suffering a heart attack. As a response, Weird Al Yankovic died after suffering a grilled cheese sandwich attack." Not great, but the concept makes me giggle.

Pots and Pans

2009-06-22T17:04:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone. I had a great weekend this past weekend. Melissa and I went to Disneyland with both Mike and Bailee AND Mike and Shannon. It was an absolutely delightful time. I was concerned that having two Mikes in the group would be confusing, but it really wasn't (Mike Smith adopted the nickname Captain Space Beard early in the day, so that helped). We go to Disney a lot, but this was easily one of our best trips.

But that's not why I'm here. Melissa and I, after much convincing from friends and co-workers, started watching Top Chef Masters, which has led us to try and catch up on Top Chef, the proper one. It's fantastic. I'm usually not one for reality shows, but I like that this competition is between people who are already professionals and are really good at what they do. Plus, you know it's cooking, so Chef Eli loves it. It has really rekindled my love of cooking, and my desire to learn how to do it better. I'm in awe of these people's ability to create meals without following recipes, and I'm determined to learn how to do it myself. Which is where you come in.

Loyal readers, my mishmash of pots and pans is starting to show its age. I have a lot of non-stick coated aluminum stuff that's served it's purpose and I'm ready to upgrade. Not long ago, a friend of Melissa's gave us her old Circulon fry pans. These, which were old when we got them, still hold up and release food better than any other pan I own. When our wok started sticking and the non-stick coating flaking off last week, we bought a Circulon wok to replace it. So far, so good. But what about the rest of my pots and pans?

I'm having a hard time deciding between hard anodized aluminum and stainless steel (with an aluminum or copper core). Right now, I'm leaning towards the anodized, since that's what Circulon is and I've had a good experience with it. However, hard anodized still has a non-stick coating that can come off, and I'm concerned about the possibility of toxins. Plus, stainless steel is durable and looks so classy. So what do you think? I'm hoping there are readers out there with more experience in this than I (Dale, if you're still reading, Mike says I should be looking at you). So should I go stainless or hard anodized? I'm looking forward to hearing what you guys have to say.

Cheers,

Eli

p.s.- I know cast iron is great, and every time I try to have this conversation someone thinks they need to tell me this. I just don't have the patience to season it or take care of it. I may buy a cast iron skillet at some point, but that's not my focus right now.

A Little Braggery

2009-06-18T14:52:00.001-07:00

So, those of you who have read this blog for a long time (I know there's a couple of you) or at least gone spelunking through the archives knows that I love crosswords. Recently, a company introduced an iPhone app that provides the NY Times crossword for $10 a year. The regular web version costs $40 a year. I know a good deal when I see one, so I snapped it up. Now, it's not the best interface for solving, so my times aren't as good as when I do them by hand or online, but I'm still a pretty fast solver. In fact...

Oh yeah, I should mention that I'm SilentDante (it's an old video game handle that's stuck with me since high school). And that's a list of top solvers since the app was released. So, yeah, I'm pretty proud of that.

Speaking of my iPhone, the new OS version 3.0 was released yesterday and I love it. My phone seems to respond faster, I love the new search function as an app launcher, and I can't wait to see what programs developers come up with for the new features (I'm especially anxious for a good GPS software...hopefully not too expensively).

One app that already is using the new stuff is MLB.com At Bat, which was pretty much my favorite app already. It allows you to follow any baseball game live with Game Tracker, plus listen to either the Home or Away team's live radio broadcast. Pretty sweet, right? Well, starting yesterday, they're also streaming live VIDEO of two games every day. I tried it at lunch, and these are real screenshots of the Cubs' thrilling come from behind victory:

That's insane! Those are from a video on my phone! Granted, I was on a Wifi connection, but over the 3G cell network it was still quite watchable. I'm telling you, we're just a flying car away from living in the future.

Before I go, I also want to bring up Peggle. This is a (seemingly) simple little puzzle game where you shoot a ball at colored pegs to make them disappear. I had heard for a long time that this was an addictive game (gamers liken it to crack), so when the iPhone version was on sale for $0.99 I picked it up. It's fantastic. The cheesy animal "Peggle Masters," the graphics, the Ode to Joy when you clear a level...hard to put down. It makes time pass on the bus more quickly than anything else I've tried. It's basically available for every computer known to man, so check it out.

Cheers,

Eli

When You've Got Worries All the Noise And The Hurry Seems to Help, I Know

2009-06-16T16:46:00.000-07:00

That could win the prize for longest blog title so far. But how do you write a post about downtown without referencing Petula Clark? You don't. So I did.

First up, my apologies. The agency meeting yesterday (I think it went well, details soon if I'm right about that) has basically taken up all my free time as I made sure my scripts and pitches were as polished and impressive as could be. Plus, I've been super busy at my real job, so no time to throw up a quick post.

Anyway, two weekends ago, Melissa and I decided to hang out in downtown LA. I had served jury duty there and was surprised by how much I liked it. Join me on my tour, won't you?

We started out at the Civic Center/Music Center. This is where the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion, Mark Taper Forum, and Ahmanson Theatre (where we now have season tickets!) are located.

It was neat, but the real highlight was across the street- The Walt Disney Concert Hall.

As weird and cool as it looks on the outside, it's even neater on the inside. And they offer a free, self-guided audio tour narrated by John Lithgow!

You can see me being silly in that first one. That's what I do, I'm silly. One part of the tour leads you into the gardens upstairs. It's truly gorgeous, with some great views of the skyline.

(Melissa can be silly, too). After that, we stopped for lunch at Pastagina, a fast food place that has a patented machine that cooks individual pasta servings in 3 minutes. I want one! Of course, the free gelato offer helped draw us in.

At about that point, I got a little tired of taking my camera out everywhere. We went to the central library (it's the building with the pyramid top in the shot above from the gardens), which had a cool old movie poster section on display. Then I insisted we stop by Angel's Flight:

This funicular railroad was basically built so rich people wouldn't have to climb a hill to go shopping. When working (it's being refurbished), it claims to be the shortest operating railroad in the world. Pretty neat.

From there, we took a train to Union Station. I wish I'd had my camera out, because the central lobby/terminal really still looks like an old train station, the kind you only ever see in movies anymore. I felt like I was on Mad Men or something.

We walked back to the Civic Center area and went home for a bit before heading for the beach. My mom had asked for a picture of the ocean at sunset that she could have enlarged to hang above the fireplace, and this is a sampling of my shots:

We were far enough away from the Santa Monica Pier that it wasn't too crowded and a pod of dolphins (at least six) were playing about 50 feet off the shore. There were also a couple of sailboats not far off that I enjoyed shooting with my telephoto, but those were with my film camera and I haven't scanned them in yet. It was beautiful and peaceful, two things you can rarely say about LA.

I think that most people stop exploring LA not long after they move here (at least, that's the case with most people I know), and it's really a shame. The fact that I can go from the bustling skyscrapers of downtown to the beaches of the Pacific in a matter of minutes astounds me. I hope to find more time to explore soon. Until then,

Cheers,

Eli

p.s.- sorry if the font and formatting look weird here. Not sure what happened.

Quick Update

2009-06-09T17:05:00.001-07:00

Hey everybody! I'm putting together a big photo-heavy post about my weekend downtown and at the beach, but in the meantime, just so you know I haven't forgotten you, I wanted to let everyone know how excited I am to learn that Comedy Central has just signed a deal for 26 new Futurama episodes. Nerd gleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Cheers,
Eli

To Pre or Not To Pre

2009-06-05T09:05:00.001-07:00

So, the Palm Pre is coming out and it looks like a pretty sweet phone. I like the user interface and would love to see the iPhone adopt some of its features (which it probably will in the forthcoming software update). It would be a much cooler phone if it wasn't locked on to Sprints craptastic network, but for the time being, it is. It looks like it will be the iPhone's first real competitor (sorry Blackberry Storm, you're awful). Would I consider abandoning my iPhone for one? Hell no!

I love my iPhone. Absolutely love it. The internet seems to delight itself in telling me why I shouldn't (they're like that with everything Apple makes), but I just don't see their point. The biggest criticisms- no copy and paste (I've only wanted it once or twice, it's coming in the next software update), no MMS texts (I never text anybody, plus I have full e-mail on my phone), and a crappy camera (I have a real camera, thank you). This phone is so much better than any cell phone I've ever used, it's not even fair to compare them. I love all the functionality that I can add through the app store, and having the full internet in my pocket is awesome. I'm also excited to try out the new GPS apps that will be coming with the new software update.

One other iPhone criticism that keeps coming up in the Palm Pre reviews is the keyboard- Pre has a physical one, the iPhone has an onscreen touchpad. People are saying that this is a huge advantage for the Pre. I fully disagree. I've used Blackberry and Palm keyboards before- they're tiny and hard to use accurately. The iPhone solution isn't perfect, but after about a week of regular use (and with the awesome auto-correct feature's help) I was typing easily. I write e-mails on it, I've written blog posts on it...hell, I do the NY Times crossword on it everyday. I make a few mistakes, but no more than I would on any keyboard that size. I really wonder if the people who complain about the iPhone (and all the other Apple products) have ever actually spent time using them.

I guess I don't really have a point. It's been an uneventful week for the most part, and I just felt like I should post something.

Cheers,
Eli

How Appropriate, You Fight Like A Cow

2009-06-02T11:10:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back from a long weekend visiting the wife's family in Houston. It was a pleasant enough trip, her family seems nice, but it was hot, muggy, and Texas so it wasn't the vacation of a lifetime or anything. The real highlight for me was driving the rental Prius. Melissa and I have been looking into buying a new car this year, and we'd love to get a hybrid, so this was like an extended test drive for us. In short, we absolutely loved it. The car drove wonderfully well, felt smaller and more responsive than our current 98 Altima, and had so much gadgetry it felt like I was driving a spaceship. Plus, we got 42 mpg without even trying (and probably would have been higher had we driven further) and the 100 or so miles we drove didn't knock a single bar from the car's 8-bar fuel gauge. Impressive.

We got home Sunday morning and slept most of the day away. And then I woke up to what turned out to be a pretty damn good Monday. First, it was Conan's first night on the Tonight Show. I've been a big Conan fan ever since I first heard Lyle Lanley singing about a monorail on The Simpsons, and seeing him really get recognized with this job is just fantastic. Last night's show wasn't spectacular, but it was the first show. Once the pomp and celebration dies down, he should be fine. More than anything, the show felt like Conan's Late Night, which isn't a bad thing. Looking forward to a bright future at the 11:3o hour.

Next up, the E3 gaming expo is going on, and there was some extremely cool stuff announced. First, they showed footage from the Beatles Rock Band that made me so excited I could hardly speak:

Now, that's just the intro video, not gameplay footage, but how cool is that? Up next, I knew that Lucasarts was releasing a "special edition" of Monkey Island this year, but I didn't realize how cool it looked. Great graphics update and voice acting (Dominic Armato back as Guybrush? Hell yes!) make this very intriguing. However, they pulled a huge surprise by announcing A WHOLE DAMN NEW MONKEY ISLAND GAME! I though I had seen the last of the adventure genre, let alone my favorite series of all time!
It's being done by TellTale games, who have already revitalized Sam and Max and put out great games in the worlds of Homestar Runner and Wallace and Grommit. One of the heads of the company worked on the original Monkey Island. The look of the new game is a little funny (wish they'd gone 2D instead of 3D) but I'm too excited to care. Monkey Island is a game that inspired my sense of humor in a way only The Simpsons and Monty Python can match. It also taught me how much better a good story could make anything, especially a video game. Which leads me to my final bit of good news...

My latest screenplay, co-written with Josh Cook, has managed to get us a meeting with an agent. I won't go into too many details for fear of building it up too much, but I'm very excited about the possibilities this meeting could provide. Just getting the meeting is a huge step (not to mention a substantial boost to my confidence). Hope your week started out as well as mine.

Cheers,
Eli

Like It Or Knotts

2009-05-27T16:46:00.001-07:00

Ok, so this is a couple weeks old now, but on Mother's Day I had my first taste of Knott's Berry Farm. I had heard that there was a lot of fun stuff and that in its heyday it rivaled Disneyland. While I wouldn't quite go that far, it was an enjoyable experience, overall. The Ghost Town area especially was nicely themed. For example, I got my picture taken in the cemetery, and from inside the coffin you could hear a Western preacher giving a eulogy:

However, theming in general felt like the park was what Disneyland would be if it stopped trying so hard. The Mine Train ride, in which you get on a train and a conductor drones on slyly (I think, I could hardly understand what he said since he apparently swallowed the microphone while speaking) as you pass "animatronic" miners was especially embarrassing. They were clearly going for a Jungle Cruise meets Pirates of the Caribbean thing and it just didn't work. The sets were kind of pretty, but the miners were basically wax mannequins with a rotating motor in their shoulder. Kind of sad.

Another area where the park didn't live up to Disney was in overall maintenance. Disney freaks like to point out every time they see chipped paint or debris on the ground, but I don't think they realize how good they have it. Many of the rides and buildings (especially outside of Ghost Town) looked like they hadn't been renovated in decades. It's little touches that can make a park feel like something special. In the end, Knott's felt more like Six Flags than Magic Kingdom, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. The food was good (I bought some Boysenberry and Strawberry jams for sandwich making) and the rides were fun, overall. One piece of advice- go on Mother's Day! We didn't wait in a single line for anything all day. It was incredible. Like we had the park to ourselves. Anyway, here's some thoughts on a few specific rides:

Ghost Rider: Our first ride of the day. It was a monsterous wooden coaster. Very fast, a lot of good hills. One of the bumpiest wooden coasters I've ever been on, though, and the second trip hurt my neck.
Silver Bullet: A pretty standard inverted (hanging) coaster. Melissa rode it once and that was the last of her big thrill rides (she's not a coaster person). A lot of inversions and speed, but the highlight was the 360 degree helix spin at the end, where the G-Force nearly blacked me out.
Jaguar: A fantastic, Aztec (or maybe it was Mayan, I can never tell) themed line leads to- a pretty lame and boring coaster. Oh well.
Sierra Sidewinder: An interesting coaster where you sit in a kind of disc vehicle and you spin around (not unlike a teacup) as you go through the dips and curves. An interesting sensation, though maybe a little too short.
Pony Express: A neat idea- The cars are shaped like horses, and they strap your legs into "stirrups" and the support bar presses on your back, not your stomach. It was kind of a cool feeling. Unfortunately, the ride is basically one short oval with a couple of hills and a tunnel, like the kiddie coaster at a touring carnival. Wasn't the pony express a LONG and grueling trail? I couldn't help but think that Disney could have built a killer themed indoor coaster with the horse car- maybe even simulating the varying landscapes of the pony express. A disappointing use of innovative design.
Xcelerator: This was one of the most unique experiences I've ever had. It's a "launch" coaster (like so many are these days), that shoots you off and then straight up at a near 90 degree corkscrew, then you crest and drop 90 degrees straight down. The rest of the ride is a couple of hills, but it doesn't matter because all you're doing is recovering from the initial thrill. Most launchers I've been on go 0-60 or so in about 3 seconds. This one goes 0-80 in about the same time. It's intense. Then the thrill of dropping straight down face first? Incredible. It seems like nothing special, but it was a super-cool feeling that I had to ride twice. Very neat.

And that's about that. There were other rides (a couple of coasters, a fun steam train, a log ride) but these were the ones that stood out. Back again tomorrow.

Cheers,
Eli

Our New Child

2009-05-26T15:44:00.000-07:00

Melissa is fond of saying that in our apartment we don't have children or pets, we have technology. Well, add another one to the roster. This weekend we upgraded my 5 year old HP Windows XP Media Center PC to the shining, 24" iMac you see to the right. It's a thing of beauty. The old PC was great for several years, but it was to the point where it took 20 minutes to fully power on and we turned it on no more than once a month (using my Macbook as our main computer). The new iMac starts up in a matter of seconds. I can have it up and running Photoshop in the amount of time it takes for Windows to even start loading on the PC. Plus, the PC's main feature- built in DVR -isn't as necessary as it was before I got a DVR from the cable company. And it doesn't work at all with DirecTV or HD broadcasts, so it's a moot point. Anyway, it was certainly time to upgrade.

I don't think the picture really illustrates how big a 24" computer is. It dominates the room. It's nearly 10 inches bigger than the monitor it replaces and only 6 inches smaller than our living room HDTV. And it gets a beautiful picture with very high viewing angle. I've transfered all of the files I need on to it, and it's backing up automatically (through Apple's wonderful Time Machine) to the 1TB disk on the corner of the desk (added bonus- my MacBook can backup to the same drive as long as it's on the home network). All in all, a killer setup.

What's perhaps most significant is this is the completion of the Macification of our home. We have kicked John Hodgman out and are surviving solely on Justin Long. As a side note, I think it's interesting that Justin Long (portraying the young, hip "Mac") has become something of a standard movie actor (no offense intended, I like his work), whereas John Hodgman (supposedly the stodgy ol' PC) has become sort of a King of the Hipsters, the exact people Apple is targeting. Maybe I'm the only one that thinks that's funny. Anyway, I don't want to start any kind of flame war here; I simply prefer Macs. I have extensive experience on both operating systems and they're both good in their own ways. I just find Macs to be more pleasant and that they maintain their performance longer. I'm willing to pay a little (but when you come pare the specs, not that much) more for a higher quality product, no matter what those Windows ads say.

Speaking of those ads, they bug me a little. First, they're ads for Windows, but they make no reference of the operating system itself. "PC" is not a unified product the way that "Mac" is. Second, their claims are dubious, and often outright deceitful. The computers that people pick out may be cheaper, but they pale in comparison to the nearest comparable Mac, or are at least missing several key features. The girl who says she is a video editor? She must just do it as a hobby or there's no excuse for not getting a Mac and Final Cut Pro. I know MANY professional video editors and they ALL work on Mac. It's just better at that sort of thing. To be fair, the kid looking for a good gaming laptop with Blu-Ray should absolutely go with the PC, that's not Mac's strong suit (though whether the Sony he chooses is really cheaper is debatable). Throw in the fact that the first girl featured was a professional actress ("real people," Microsoft?) and the company that makes the ads produces them entirely on Macs (this is a true fact, you can look it up) and you've got ads that really irritate me.

And they're part of the larger problem. I'm seeing this trend in car commercials, too- "Hey, the economy's bad. Our stuff is cheaper!" I've already gone on about the economy here, but I'll say it again- there are PLENTY of people (probably most people) who are doing just fine, not matter what the cable news shows say. I don't think people should use it as an excuse for buying shittier stuff just because it costs less money. But, that's what the commercials are telling everyone to do, anyway . If you're paying less money, you're probably buying an inferior product. That's fine, but I'm sick of seeing Chevy comparing themselves to Toyota. A lower price and a measly 1 mpg more don't make your car "better." You can say, "Our cars are cheap," just don't go around pretending like that makes you a BMW.

Wow, I really got off on a tangent there. Sorry about that. Anyway, I have a new iMac and it makes me very happy. Keep tuning in to learn how I spent my Memorial Day weekend and for the long-awaited/teased Knott's Berry Farm trip report.

Cheers,
Eli

Pillsbury DON'T Boy (See what I did there?)

2009-05-20T16:08:00.000-07:00

So, this is a segment that I'm hoping will become regular enough to warrant my drawing a logo for it: Chef Eli. I like to cook, and while I don't always have time to do anything fancy, sometimes I break out of my routine and try something new. Last night was one of those times.

I wanted to do a pizza, but was a little tired of making the standard pepperoni. I've recently become obsessed with goat cheese and thought that there was surely a recipe out there for a goat cheese pizza. For simplicity's sake, I settled on Rachel Ray's spinach and goat cheese pizza. There were only 5 ingredients- pizza dough, parmesan cheese, baby spinach, chopped tomato and goat cheese (I don't care for Rachel Ray the personality, but I like her cooking style). Now, normally I split my shopping between Trader Joe's and Ralph's, but this week we just didn't feel like making two stops, so TJ's was skipped. That's where the trouble begins.

See, Trader Joe's makes great pre-made pizza dough. It comes in regular, (almost) whole wheat, and garlic and herb (my favorite). The recipe called for Pillsbury pizza dough, which I've never used, but Ralph's had it. "Fine," I figured, "It may not be gourmet, but it should be easy enough to use." The time came to make the pizza last night and I opened the tube of dough. I placed it, as instructed, on to a greased pan and started to stretch it out (both by stretching and pressing, as the tube told me to). But every time I took my hands off the dough, it shrank back to its original shape. At one point, I tore a hole in the dough (which happens with regular dough sometimes, too), but no amount of squashing and kneading could make the hole disappear. This stuff, whatever it was, wanted to retain its original tubular shape no matter what I did. It was infuriating. After half an hour of stretching, rolling, and pressing, I gave up. The dough was as thin and large as it was getting (roughly 3/4 of the size it was supposed to be). I very nearly went out to Trader Joe's to buy their dough several times, but didn't want to have wasted my effort. Needless to say, I won't be bothering with the scientific abomination that Pillsbury calls "pizza dough" again. I don't know what that was, but it wasn't bread.

For a happier conclusion, the pizza turned out quite nice. The goat cheese was rich and it was a flavorful pizza for so few ingredients. The recipe called for way more spinach than was necessary, and since it had already been tossed in olive oil, I added tomato and mozzarella for a basic salad. It was a nice addition, even if it was a little too much oil (I don't know if you've ever had an "oily" feeling in you mouth, but it's not pleasant). Melissa, it turns out, doesn't care as much for the taste of cooked spinach as she does raw spinach, so I doubt we'll be retrying this one. However, I'd definitely try another goat cheese pizza (with TJ's dough, of course). Next time, I'm thinking something with pesto. Suggestions?

Cheers,
Eli

Odds and Ends

2009-05-18T16:47:00.001-07:00

Hey everyone, sorry I've been delinquent for nearly a week. Not the best foot on which to start out. I went to Knott's Berry Farm a week ago Sunday and have been meaning to write a post about it, but there's a picture I want and it's still on my camera. I promise a post about it when I clean off my memory card. Anyway, so as not to let the pool of creativity stagnate, here's a few things from my world:

Melissa and I bought iPod shuffles yesterday. Melissa got a bright green one of the old model, and I got the new black one. It's about the size of a stick of gum and seems pretty cool so far. Unfortunately, I'm starting to read about how the in-line controls freak out when they get sweat on them, and since this is going to be my running iPod, that worries me. Updates if necessary.

We're also likely to buy a new iMac soon. My poor old PC takes about 15 minutes from startup to actually be usable, and I don't think we've turned it on more than once in the last month. We still want a desktop, but it has to be more convenient. I got a notice that my Norton antivirus subscription is about to run out, and I'd rather go ahead and get the new computer now (in the budget for a little later this year) and not have to worry about it.

Finally got the latest Weezer album. Wow, disappointing. Looking forward to listening to the new Green Day, though.

Why does anyone care what Miss California has to say about anything? Have you ever met a beauty queen? Did they strike you as someone who could form intelligent opinions about things? The fact that she's anti-gay marriage should be proof enough that same sex couples should be allowed to wed. It's media blitzes like this that get actors and athletes elected in to public office (which has never turned out well for anyone).

Minor earthquake last night. Melissa, who is trained in crisis management, was rearranging our DVD shelf (which has several small items on top of it) and didn't even move out of the way. That's how minor it was. It felt like the house was driving down a gravel road (kinda fun, actually).

I'm absolutely sure there was one more thing I wanted to say, and I can't think of it to save my life. Oh well, that's what a Monday will do.

Cheers,
Eli

Dressing the Part

2009-05-12T16:10:00.000-07:00

I haven't been an actor for several years now. While I recently find myself missing performing, I can't justify calling myself an actor when I'm not actually doing any acting. However, there are some habits from my performing days that seem to have stuck with me. For example, I always found that no matter how much time and work I spent developing and a character for a role, I was never able to truly inhabit the character until I had the costume on. It was sort of an immersion thing. It's much easier to pretend to be something when you look like the something you are trying to be. It is certainly a challenge to pretend to be a pirate when dressed as a professional bowler, for example.

I recently realized that I needed to be more creative in my day to day life. The revitalization of this blog is part of that decision. I basically felt like I was becoming mired in the corporate mindset and I think that was causing a lot of my general malaise (I would say depression, but I don't think that's clinically true). It was affecting my mood, as well as keeping me from writing, even when I knew I should. So, I decided to change. Along with making a concentrated effort to write and draw (see the post below), I made physical changes. I bought new notebooks (softcover moleskines) and pens and tried not to dress so formally for work (it's not required in my office). I'm ditching my overly bland and generic briefcase and having my suede messenger bag repaired. In order to get myself feeling creative again, it has been important that I look creative. It seems shallow, I know, but it's something that's worked in the past.

When I started dancing for my theater classes in college, I wore sweatpants and a t-shirt. I felt awkward and uncomfortable. So, I invested in dancewear (and it was a sizable investment), and the shoes, pants and tank tops helped me feel more confident. I never became much of a dancer, but I could get by. I think I got some jobs/roles because I looked like I should know what I was doing, even if my klutzy footwork didn't reflect it. When I decided to start running, I couldn't seem to force myself into the routine. But, I bought a nice pair of running shoes and several moisture-wicking garments and I have now been running on a schedule of 3-4 times per week for over a year and a half.

I don't know if it's because I feel obligated to myself to work once I spend the money or if on some primal level the visual element is enough to convince me that I'm someone else, but it seems to work for me. Maybe I should by a space suit, just to see what happens.

Cheers,
Eli

Sci-Fi Bi

2009-05-09T18:11:00.000-07:00

So, I liked my idea of being Sci-Fi Bi from yesterday so much that I decided to try my hand at a sketch. I'm no artist (obviously), but I'm getting better. Things I don't know how to do at all- hands and feet. Anyway, here it is:
Oh, and Star Trek? It was awesome. Go see it. So awesome.

Beyond the Rim of the Starlight

2009-05-08T15:46:00.000-07:00

I've been in the closet about this for a while now. But it seems that now is the time to come out- I'm a pretty huge Star Trek nerd. Don't get me wrong, Star Wars is and always be my first love, but for a time in middle school (partly to differentiate myself from my Jedi-inclined brother) I fell into Trek hard, especially Next Generation (and that's why I was so cool in middle school). I guess you could call me Sci-Fi-Bi. Seriously, I wish I had some of the pictures to show you (but am secretly glad I don't): Me in my starfleet uniform (complete with cheap Geordi LaForge-style visor), me attacking a Klingon with a lightsaber at Dragon*Con...I even had Klingon language instructional tapes (though I never learned a word of it).

And now, with the new Trek movie coming out, I find that love re-emerging. I bought a box of cereal because it had a starfleet insignia flashlight in it. I'm considering ordering an Enterprise uniform t-shirt from the back of a different cereal box. I find myself thinking back fondly on Picard and Data- the adventures they had with Q and the Borg...even young Wesley Crusher, always saving the day. And I look around and notice I'm not the only one. Nerd culture has gone main stream. It's not just the cool new movie, either (JJ Abrams, the guy who did Lost, directed a Star Trek movie? Even if it had terrible reviews, I'm there opening day). Comic books and video games are cool. Geeks nowadays are the people who aren't on the internet, not the ones who are. It's interesting that I've inadvertently become kind of cool, just by being who I've always been. I guess those after school specials and Disney Channel movies were right.

Cheers,
Eli
p.s.- The post title is a reference to the words to the original Star Trek theme. I don't think they ever played on the air, but here they are:

Beyond the rim of the starlight,
My love is wandering in star flight.
I know he'll find in star clustered reaches
Love, strange love a starwoman teaches.

I know his journey ends never.
His Star Trek will go on forever.
But tell him while he wanders his starry sea,
Remember, Remember me.

Man, how wonderfully cheesy is that?

A Frustrating Two-fer

2009-05-07T10:39:00.000-07:00

I just got notification from my temp company that Disney (the company that has rented me out for the past six months) is cutting my pay by 5%. As far as I can tell, the cut is across the board for all temps, but I can't say for certain. This is actually great. I was just telling my wife last night that I make too much money. It's quite degrading being told that you will be required to do something you can't stand doing for less compensation.

And can I say that I don't think the economy is in as bad a shape is it's being portrayed in the media? Yes, housing and automotive are down, but most corporations are still holding up ok. Unemployment is up, but the vast majority of people in the country are still employed. Isn't it possible that the downturn in retail is just a reaction to what people see on TV? I mean, the modern media (especially cable "news") has a history of blowing things out of proportion (see- Swine Flu), and people in general have a history of making mountains out of molehills. "Hey, hon, I think we should buy a new fridge." "But the TV just said the economy is bad, even though we both still have steady jobs." "GET THE KIDS OUT OF SCHOOL AND INTO THE BUNKER! WE CAN'T AFFORD TO BUY ANYTHING, THE TV SAID SO!" (Yes, I'm being over-dramatic). I guess my point is- a company with the 3rd-highest paid CEO in the world (Bob Iger) could probably find better places to save more money than with a 5% pay decrease for temps.

The other part of the frustration (assuming you're still here) comes to me via Jay Starr's blog (linked in the left column). Jay gave me a shout out yesterday, and I'm returning the favor. I've only met him a couple times, but he's a funny guy with great taste. Anyway, he posted this link:
Texas Education?
Apparently, a Texas school board has voted, 11-3, that the universe is 6,000 years old. Now, let me get one thing straight- if you want to believe the universe is 6,000 years old, fine. Go believe whatever your moronic brain wants. But to teach that as science? It's absurd. There is ZERO credible scientific evidence pointing to a universal age anywhere near four digits. Not a bit of it. Anyone who claims otherwise has a different (ie-religious) agenda. If you live in Texas, and you want your kids to have a real education, I suggest you move them to another state. In fact, you remember those people who were calling for secession at those ridiculous "Tea Parties" (where people protested....um, theories? Tax increases that haven't happened? I seriously don't get it. See above re: People doing what the television tells them to do)? Well, maybe we should let them secede. Would the country really be any worse without them?

Ugh, if you're new to the blog, I promise I'm usually more lighthearted than this. It's just been a bit of a downer morning. On to a better Tomorrow!

Cheers,
Eli

The Scribe and Mouse- Re-Imagineered

2009-05-06T11:19:00.000-07:00

Well, without further ado (and resisting the urge to make an Extreme Makeover reference in the post title), here it is- my redesigned blog! It's not complete; there's still a few small things I want to tweak (add a navigation bar, create a new profile image, etc), but the framework was in place and I decided to go ahead and launch. I'm working on some sketches that I would have liked to have had in place already, but I failed to take into account the fact that I would have to teach myself to draw first. Here's a few highlights of the new site:

COLOR SCHEME:
I based the colors on this uniform (that's Dave Kingman, by the way):

The Cubs wore that on the road from 1978-1981. It's often considered one of the ugliest uniforms in baseball history. But, the colors looked pretty nice on a blog, so I went with it. I considered using the standard Cubs "home" colors, but red, white and Cubbie Blue ends up looking a little too "I have an eagle tattoo and a These Colors Don't Run bumper sticker" for my tastes.

NEW HEADER:
This one I'm really proud of. I taught myself some basics in Adobe Illustrator to create the logo and some javascript to create the randomization. If you reload the page a few times, you'll notice that the blurb under the blog title will change. There's only 3 options right now, but I may add more in the future.

SOCIAL INTERACTION:
You can follow my Flickr Photostream (my, it's been a long time since I've taken the camera out for a spin) and my Twitter feed from the sidebars. If you have any other ideas for ways to connect, please let me know (though I'm not on Facebook, so there's no need to mention it).

And that's the basic rundown. I'd love to hear your thoughts and suggestions, so sound off in the comments! Looking forward to some great times here in my new blogging home.

Cheers,
Eli

Back to the Blog

2009-05-05T21:58:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well, look what we have here. I had pretty much forgotten that I had a blog. Actually, that's not true- I'd just forgotten that it was mine. I think I checked here every once in a while to see if it had been updated. Hopefully you've done the same, but I can't blame you if you've abandoned hope that my words would ever populate this space again. Well, you Eli-Atheists are about to have your cynicism destroyed- I'm back, baby!

In the next day or so I will be introducing a big re-design of this blog. I've put a lot of time and effort into really personalizing it, and I'm hoping that will motivate me to keep writing here. Having a page that's really mine will at least make the experience more pleasant.

So, anyway, keep checking back for the new design and I'll see you back here real soon!

Cheers,
Eli

Great Benefits Package

2008-11-07T13:45:00.000-08:00

One of the things that happened during my long blogging hiatus is that
I got a new job. I'm still an assistant, but I work at Miramax now.
I'm also still a temp, which means no holidays or vacation pay, but
the money's good and it has one more huge benefit: I can walk to
Carney's for lunch.

Carney's is my second favorite hot dog in town. I rank it behind
Skooby's and well ahead of Pink's. It used to be third, but Pinkberry
evicted my old number 2, the Wiener Factory. Carney's has great hot
dog meat, good topping choice, and you get to eat in a train. How cool
is that? It's a good thing I'm making more money, because I'll be
eating here a lot.

One more thing that happened over my break? I got an iPhone, and this
post was written entirely on it.

Cheers,
Eli

A Long December

2008-11-05T22:11:00.000-08:00

"A long December, and there's reason to believe, maybe this year will be better than the last."- Counting Crows.

That's about as well as I can put it. There is legitimate reason to believe that the upcoming year will really be better. And it's going to be a long December (and rest of November) while we wait out the end of Bush era. I can't wait. Anyone would be an improvement over Bush, but Barack Obama is something entirely different.

We can talk all we want about his race, and make no mistake, it's a huge deal that an African American has been elected to the highest office in America. But Barack Obama is so much more than his race. He is brilliant, charismatic, and a born leader. He may not have years of experience, but I trust him. There's a lot of troubles laying ahead for our country, but when I look at the new president-elect, there is no doubt in my mind that he is the best man to face them. The opposition spent a lot of time talking about experience, but I think it's overrated in the presidency. Abraham Lincoln and John F Kennedy were very inexperienced, and they both made America a better place through their presidencies. On the flip side, George W Bush was experienced and his cabinet had high-level political experience stretching back 40 years. And look how well that turned out.

Barack is an inspiring figure. You only have to look at the voter turnout to see this is true. He didn't just bring out the African American vote, he brought out the youth vote. My generation, for the first time in our adult lives, had a candidate we could be excited about. I voted for John Kerry, but I wasn't thrilled at the idea of it. I believe that this man can bring about the change he promised and restore our status on the world stage. There's a feeling I have in my gut that I haven't had in a long time. It may be cliched at this point, but that feeling is hope. I am proud of my country today.

And yet.

In California, voters very narrowly passed a ban on gay marriage. I am a straight, married man, and this pisses me off. I can't even comprehend the arguments against gay marriage. It hurts no one and doesn't affect straight marriage in any way. Actually, I take that back. The fact that my gay and lesbian friends aren't allowed to get married weakens my marriage significantly. If two people who love each other aren't allowed the same rights to legally express that love, how much can marriage really mean? No one has ever given me an argument against gay marriage that wasn't just a weak paraphrasing of, "It's just wrong." This kind of ignorance is simply disgusting. The ads in favor of this proposition flat out said, "If this doesn't pass, we won't be allowed to refuse services to people based on our beliefs." In other words, we legally want to discriminate against these people- please vote to let us continue hating freely. So don't pat yourselves on the backs too hard for electing a black president, America. You've just decided to oppress and discriminate against a new victim.

To my gay and lesbian friends, keep fighting the good fight- I'll be standing alongside you every step of the way.

But I can't let that get me too down. Besides, Prop 8 will likely be overturned in courts (yes, it's that poorly conceived and executed). We do have a lot to be proud of today. I look forward to seeing this presidency through and remembering what it's like to be proud of your government. Good night, I'll talk to you again soon.

Cheers,
Eli

Kinnear, Kinnear, Kinnear, Kinnear

2008-08-22T17:41:00.000-07:00

Today, I've seen at least 3 people who look like Greg Kinnear. I am relatively certain that none of them was actually him.

Crossword Madness

2008-08-20T16:02:00.000-07:00

The words MAMA or DADA have showed up for at least the last two days of the NY Times crossword, and they showed up in two or three other puzzles today. They are never clued as "Arp's Art?" or "____ Cass" or anything of that sort. At least two of the puzzles used the exact clue, "Word from the crib." I'm telling you, there's some sort of strange conspiracy amongst crossword constructors. In a related story, today's CrossSynergy puzzle featured the clue "Actress Stark of Star Wars." I saw "Star Wars" and thought, "Great, this'll be easy." But I've never heard of her. The answer was "Koo." What the hell? Apparently, Koo Stark is an actress who played one of Biggs' friends on Tatooine in a deleted scene from A New Hope (I think she calls Luke "Wormie"). What??? You seriously expect people to know that, crossword puzzle? I LOVE Star Wars, and while I was familiar with the scene, I couldn't have told you that actress' name! She doesn't even list the role on her IMDB page, for cryin' out loud! Sheesh. You just made "the list," CrossSynergy.

By the way, I'm basically just blogging a random thought each day to get back in the habit of posting. I'll get back to my usual way of posting Eddas (that's Scandinavian Epics for you non-crossworders) and philippics (look it up yourself, I ain't Wikipedia) shortly.

Cheers,
Eli

Consider the Carrot

2008-08-19T14:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, my wife told me the pack of carrots she took for lunch had a weird white coating and smelled funny. She tasted one and said they tasted sour and threw them out. Today, I examined my carrots carefully. They looked and smelled like normal, so I went ahead and ate them. I think they tasted okay.

But that's the thing- I only think they tasted okay. The whole time I was eating them I couldn't convince myself that the orange sticks I was shoving in my mouth were normal. I couldn't for the life of me remember what carrots were supposed to taste like. This happens a lot. I want to see if the milk is still good, but damned if I know what "normal" milk taste is. Weird.