Just the Puzzles

Not a pretty one today. I may have had a real post for you all, but I'm so bummed and exhausted from the puzzles that I just can't summon the strength. Here's the times, feel free to mock me:

NY Times- 16:41
CrossSynergy- 7:03
LA Times - 10:22
NY Sun - 21:20 (brutal)
Yahoo- 8:31

In Cold Blood

I finished reading Truman Capote's In Cold Blood today for my book club meeting tonight. It's a very captivating, almost disturbing novel and I liked it quite a lot.

It's odd, really. I started out reading it in Capote's high pitched, nasal voice. It was an amusing way to read, but I couldn't keep it up. Mostly because it really doesn't fit the tone of the book at all. It's not even close to the right voice. People talk about writers having a "voice" all the time, and since we know what Capote's actual voice sounded like, it's interesting to note that the "voice" of the book is so vastly different from the voice of the author. It's strange to think that this odd little sprite of a man would be capable of writing something so dark and grim. All of you fans of "true crime" novels? You might as well start calling them "Tru crime" (see what I did there?) books because you have Mr. Capote (and In Cold Blood in particular) for pioneering the genre.

It's my turn to pick the book for our club, and I've decided on A Confederacy of Dunces. I'm always hearing about how great and funny it's supposed to be, and I thought it was about damn time I read it. I'll let you know what I think.

***

Pretty good day on the crosswords, today, with the exception of the New York Times. It was the theme that threw me. One of the theme clues was "Dinner specialty of an R&B singer" and the answer was "Sam Cooke's Steak." Sure, I get it, but there's a weird noun/verb thing going on. The clue implies a noun and the answer is a noun, but the surnames of the musicians are used as verbs. Once I got the first one, it was easier, but it wasn't easy to wrap my head around. The rest of my times were fine. I got interrupted MANY times during the Yahoo puzzle today, and won't bother posting the time because it is entirely inaccurate.
NYT- 12:13
CrossSynergy- 5:31
LA Times- 7:30
NY Sun - 6:35

Cheers,
Eli

Traffic Laws

Dear City of Los Angeles,

Please allow me to go over a few things you may or may not know about traveling by car.

First: Putting your hazard blinkers on does not give you permission to park in the middle of the street. I'm talking to you Coke truck on Vineland. And moving truck on Aqua Vista. And the 4 or 5 SUVs (always SUVs) every day on Hesby. If someone plows into the back of your parked car, you deserve it. Please find a place to park or just stay off the road entirely.

Second: The right lane on Laurel Canyon is a right turn only lane at Mulholland. It is clearly marked as such for about a mile ahead of time. If you are in the right lane, you are REQUIRED to turn right. Deciding you want to cut ahead of traffic at the top of the hill and then coming to a complete stop in open traffic until someone in the other lane comes to a complete stop to let your dumb, arrogant ass over is what causes the traffic jam in the first place. There is a special place in hell reserved for people who do this. I'm talking to you overly trendy girl in a giant pickup truck. And 90% of all cars in the right lane on Laurel Canyon every morning.

Third: If you are at a red light, and want to turn right on to a road where traffic has backed up, you are REQUIRED to wait until the light turns green to do so. "Right on Red" never has right of way and is only permissible if you are clear to turn. If someone stops before they block the intersection, this is not an invitation for you to turn, it's just so that you aren't blocked when the light turns green. Similarly, no matter how fancy your gated community is, you are required to stop at stop signs before merging into oncoming traffic. Oncoming vehicles have no obligation to stop and let you out. I'm looking at you, people with more money than sense or good taste on Laurel and Mulholland.

Fourth: You live in LA. You have no business owning a pickup truck. It seems to me that the kinds of people who would want to own a giant truck in a big urban area shouldn't be allowed to drive in the first place. I'm looking at you again, dumb bimbo who broke the second law.

Fifth: A law for pedestrians. If you cross the street and you are not in a crosswalk (or at the very least at an intersection), then when you get hit by a car it's your own damn fault. This is doubly true at night time. The crosswalk is only a few feet away, don't be so damn lazy.

Lastly: Los Angeles- you are far too large of a city not to have a decent mass transportation system. The car is proving itself to be a wasteful, inefficient mode of transportation but there is no viable alternative here. You want to do something about congestion? Build trains that go places people want to be. I'm about 5 miles from the nearest metro station at my office and that's just not acceptable. Once gas prices get much higher, I fear this city is going to have a riot on its hands.

Ok, glad to get that out of the way. I wish this blog was more popular so that the people who need to hear these things might actually read it. On to the crosswords:

I'm almost embarrassed to post my times today. It figures that on the first day of my posting I would have a complete mental block and post atrocious times. I hope I can get better.

New York Times- 7:33- not bad, I guess, but I spent too long just staring at the West/Northwest section of this puzzle.
CrossSynergy- 8:30 - unacceptable
Yahoo- 9:41 - even worse
New York Sun - 11:30 - even though it's my highest time, I'm no too ashamed. This was a hard puzzle, especially for a Tuesday.
LA Times- 5:20 - The only decent time of the day.

Cheers,
Eli

A New Feature

It should come as no surprise to those of you who know me (and I assume that everyone reading this does) that I love crossword puzzles. On last count, I do five of them a day: New York Times, LA Times, Yahoo Daily, New York Sun, and Houston Chronicle. The NY Times is obviously cream of the crop. Their puzzles are just more fun; it seems like the creators really care about making the puzzles an art form. Bravo, Will Shortz. LA Times isn't bad, but I don't find myself loving it. I just started doing the Sun last week- challenging and well-crafted. Yahoo's crossword is usually pretty basic and the theme clues are often cheap and silly. Finally, the Houston Chronicle, which actually runs a puzzle called CrossSynergy which is syndicated over many MANY papers across the country. It's not as bad as the Yahoo puzzles, but it's certainly not on the level of the New York papers or even the LA Times.

So, why do I mention all of this? I've been trying to force myself to update the blog on a more regular basis (daily, ideally). What better way than to have something substantive to publish every day? Why not crossword times? Why not, indeed, sir.

So, I will be posting my crossword times at the bottom of my blog entries. Please do not laugh at me, I'm no champion solver. Monday through Wednesday my times are respectable (usually around 5-7 minutes), but Thursday and Friday can be brutal. Hopefully I can see some improvement as I work.

I fully intended to start this today, but apparently my timer didn't start when I clicked on it for the NY Times (I'm using a photocopied version until I can afford to subscribe to their online puzzle service, which times it automatically). I didn't notice until I had finished the puzzle, which is a shame because I FLEW through it today. I would be surprised if I was done in 4 minutes today. Oh well, tune in tomorrow to see how it goes.

Cheers,
Eli

Woman dies after ray strikes her - CNN.com

Woman dies after ray strikes her - CNN.com

I know, I know, this is a terrible tragedy. But is it bad that when I saw the headline, my first thought was, "Well, was it a death ray? Because that's what those are supposed to do. And what mad scientist finally came up with a death ray, anyway? Or was it a heat ray, freeze ray, or shrink ray mishap gone horribly wrong?" Sigh. I watch too much TV.

Spamalot

Thought I'd have some fun today and dig through the spam messages in my various e-mail accounts. Join me, won't you?

GMAIL:
Intense orgasms - The secret- "Miracles can happen. Click here to add inches."
Celebrity camel toes- "Have a larger, thicker and more muscular tool today."
Our physicians recommend- "Bluemed is a good way to gain in hardness"
Don't put your health at stake!- ""Make your baby-maker bigger and stronger!"
My regular partner is boring so I had sex with someone else- body unreadable
I wanted to break up a rival's relationship by having sex with his/her partner- body unreadable
I wanted to see what it would be like to have sexx while stoned (eg oon marijuana or some other drug)- "I was embarassed by my small equipment in the mens locker room."
So long it made her gag- "Don't let your girl leave you because you are inadequate."

What did we learn from Gmail? Well, apparently I have a tiny penis. I had no idea. Also, no matter what the subject line says, it's all about making my junk bigger. I love all of the various phrases they use to try and get around spam filters (ie- baby-maker, tool, equipment, miracles). My favorites in this bunch were the one about getting back at their rival (his/her partner? You mean you don't know? Maybe small genitals weren't your problem) and having sexx while stoned. The "eg oon marijuana or some other drug" just seems so helpful. You know, in case you don't know what "stoned" means. That way, your grandma can get this spam and still know what it's about (though the actual e-mail isn't about drugs at all...uh oh, grandma's confused again).

HOTMAIL:
COVERAGE-FOR-THE-WHOLE FAMILY
View photos of [local singles] on the web
Make a regular income processing rebates
Bank of america fraud alert!
Christian work at home opportunities

Hm, insurance coverage, phony job offers, Christians? Hotmail spammers are downright decent folks! I love seeing typos in phishing scams (I'm sure Bank of america doesn't know how to spell their own name properly) and getting offers for Christian things. It's usually jobs or singles, but how gullible do they think Christians are? Just because they believe in a magic man who comes back from the dead doesn't mean they were born again yesterday. I mean, do you think adding the word "Christian" to your scam will make them more likely to click on it? Actually, I take that back. I've known several people in my life who probably would. Sigh.

YAHOO:
I want to buy your house
Test and keep:Dell computer
Pleasure for you and the lady ghnzhbg
No Pumps! No Pills! No Surgery!
Ron Jeremy uses our products

Ah the melange of Yahoo. Nothing too shocking. Except that I don't own a house and free is too much money to pay for anything Dell makes. Seems like pretty standard spam.

Oh well, I guess that wasn't as much fun as I was hoping it would be. Tune in next time, I'll be more entertaining.

Cheers,
Eli

I Can Has Syphilis?

This was the headline on NPR.com today:

Study: 25 Percent of Teens Has STD

Maybe my grammar skills are off, but something about the subject/verb agreement in this headline seems wonky. Has LOLSpeak invaded the news media? It's funny when cats talk like this, but not reporters.