MASS HYSTERIA!

All over my state today, Gay and Lesbian couples are getting married. Blood is flowing through the streets. The dragon from Hell has burst forth from the La Brea Tar Pits and is swallowing the city as I type this. Our governments have collapsed and crime runs rampant through the streets. Civilization itself has been destroyed and there's no turning back now. On top of it all, my marriage is now meaningless.

Oh wait. None of that stuff happened. Life went on entirely as normal and nobody was hurt in any way. Shocker.

Congratulations to the homosexual couples who are able today to profess their love legally, and to the state of California for acknowledging that they deserve the same rights as everyone else.

Cheers,
Eli

McCain: Guantanamo Ruling One of the ‘Worst Decisions’ in History - America’s Election HQ

McCain: Guantanamo Ruling One of the ‘Worst Decisions’ in History - America’s Election HQ

So, wait a minute. Giving human beings the right to challenge their detainment is a bad decision? Giving them the right of Habeas Corpus, which has been granted to all citizens since the Magna Carta in 1214 is a bad decision? Yes, I know they're not citizens, but that doesn't mean they aren't people and don't deserve any amount of dignity. The fact that we're not supposed to treat people like this is what makes us BETTER THAN the terrorists. Why should we sink to their level?

It has been proven, and the government has admitted, that several people are in Guantanamo who don't deserve to be there. It seems to me that locking away people without due process and not giving them the right to explain themselves is the bad idea. Could someone explain to me why it's not?

Furthermore, even if you think it is a bad idea, one of the "worst decisions" in history? Really? Worse than the Spanish Inquisition? Worse than nailing Jesus to a pair of 2 by 4s? Worse than rounding up all of the Jews into concentration camps and slaughtering them? Worse than New Coke?

Reading the article (which burned my eyes since it's on Fox News' website), he does technically say it's one of the "worst decisions in American history," but still. Worse than invading Iraq without an exit strategy? Worse than burning women just because someone said they were a witch? Worse than treating an entire race of people like property, then denying them basic human rights for centuries? I think you get my point.

Stop with the hyperbole.

Go to hell, John McCain.

Want!

So, the new iPhone comes out on July 11. Needless to say, I must have one. Granted, it's not a HUGE upgrade over the current model, but it adds a couple of cool features to a phone I wanted anyway. Unfortunately, I'm not due for an equipment upgrade from AT&T until October. That means I have to wait 4 whole months before I can get my grubby little paws on one.

Oh well. Maybe in that time they can put out a 32gb model that would make this a true must-have for me.

Dodger Stadium

You Mean There's a Baseball Game?
Originally uploaded by EliCubs

Melissa and I took in the Cubs/Dodgers game at Dodger Stadium last night. It was great fun. The Cubs won 3-1 and we sat in the All You Can Eat Bleachers so we didn't have to pay anything out of pocket last night (all of the paying was done months ago when we bought the tickets). Even better, we were surrounded by Cubs fans. Our section was at least 70% Northsiders. And yet...

Dodgers fans are an interesting breed. I've met a fair share of die-hards who really know the game. However, it seems like I never meet these people at Dodger Stadium. Everyone knows that fans in LA show up late and leave early (average length of stay- probably 3rd-7th innings). They also seem to have a penchant for finding ways other than baseball games to occupy themselves. The popular method is to bat around a beach ball, knocking people in the back of the head and whatnot, then booing loudly whenever someone lets the ball drop to the level below. At least once a game a ball falls on the field and there's a delay while someone goes to clean off the field. It's asinine. No matter how good of a baseball game is being played, I always feel like the people in the stands are WAY more into their stupid beach balls. Plus, they're contraband. Big signs outside the stadium clearly list "Beach Balls" alongside weapons and alcoholic beverages as things that can't be brought into the stadium. After a ball hit Melissa last night, I'm proud to say I grabbed and deflated it. I got a little heat from the few Dodger fans around, but mostly I got applause from the Cubs fans nearby. We don't cotton to such nonsense (incidentally, we don't do "the wave" at Wrigley, either. There were enough Cubs fans in attendance last night to keep it from showing up).

I also ran into a lot of Dodgers fans that I can only categorize as "thugs." On the way to the bathroom, two large gentleman in Dodgers jerseys stood in my way and threateningly told me, "Go Dodgers." I had done nothing to them except wear a Cubs jersey and hat. I really felt like they wanted to harm me, but thankfully there was a police officer nearby. Then, as we left the game, the SUV parked next to us was a guy with a group of kids. As we got into our car, not even looking at them, one of the kids (no older than 10) yelled at me, "The Cubs are gay! At least the Dodgers aren't a faggot team. Hey Dad, did you hear what I said. I said the Cubs are a team of fucking faggots!" Real classy. That kid has a future. (ps- the Dad did and said nothing).

Finally, what I notice most of all at Dodger Stadium is fans that just don't care. If you look at the picture I posted, that's a guy with a portable TV. He spent the majority of the game watching the Lakers play. You know, you could have had better reception at home for free. Like most places in LA, Dodger Stadium can feel like it's a place to be seen. No one cares what they're going to see, if there's going to be people there then you HAVE to go.

Still, all things considered, it was a good time. I love watching baseball live. The ballpark is a great atmosphere. Dodger Stadium is a very nice old park in a great setting (though it can't hold a candle to Wrigley or Fenway or other great parts. It's just nice, that's all), but the crowd can make enjoying the game a little difficult.

Plus, Budweiser is like, $11! Are you kidding me?

Cheers,
Eli

Stealing From Mike

I'm stealing this post from Mike, who in turn stole it from someone else, and so on and so forth.  It's a fun little way to kill some time if you've got some.  It's the "Create Your Album Cover" game.  It's kind of like coming up with your porn star name, but more visual and it's repeatable.Here's how it works:

Step 1) Go to the Wikipedia Random Article Generator. The first article that comes up is the name of your band.

Step 2) Go to the Random Quotations Page

. The last four words of the very last quote on the page is the name of your album.

Step 3) Go to Flickr's "Explore the Last Seven Days" Page

. The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

Step 4) Add them all together in Photoshop, and that's your debut album.

Here's mine:

I admit, I cheated a little on the picture.  But the first picture that came up was borderline obscene (a lot of side boob), and while I was fine with it, I didn't want to offend anyone's sensibilities.  I did NOT however cheat on the name "Waltograph."  That's actually the first thing that came up.  It's the name of a Disney-inspired font.  I used the Waltograph font for the band title, and Ravenscroft (made by the same people, based on Haunted Mansion) for the album title.  If I had a band, I might actually call them Waltograph.

Cheers, 

Eli

I Have A Special Purpose!

Big day today. Steve Martin was in my office. He poked his head over my cubicle wall and nodded "hello" to me. I didn't actually speak to him, I was trying to be professional, but oh man how I wanted to gush. I could have gone totally fanboy on him. Thankfully, I showed some self restraint.

I'm not the kind to get excited over celebrities, as a general rule. I mean, it's cool to see people you recognize from film and television, but I just don't get that excited- they're just people. Steve Martin, though. Man. That guy is an idol to me. I grew up on Steve Martin comedy. I've seen The Jerk and Dirty Rotten Scoundrels more times than I can count. LA Story and Roxanne are wonderful films. Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid, Pennies From Heaven? Good stuff. Recently I've loved his books; his recent memoir is very beautifully written.

His comedy albums are as much of an influence on my comedic style as anything else. I remember having a copy of Let's Get Small on tape that my parents made for me. It was my first real experience with adult humor. Of course, many years later, I listened to the album straight from the vinyl and realized that my parents had edited out a lot of it. They left in most of the drug references, but took out most of the talk of farting. Censorship in America is a funny thing.

Steve came into our office in a gray suit and matching fedora. Very dapper. At one point, he asked for the restroom key, and having watched Dirty Rotten Scoundrels just this past weekend, all I could think of was Ruprect:

RUPRECHT- Excuse me. May I go to the bathroom first?
LAWRENCE- Of course you may.
(A long pause as Ruprecht looks off into the distance contentedly, not leaving the table)
RUPRECHT (with relief)- Thank you.

I hope he comes back and I get the chance to actually speak with him. The man's a genius.

Cheers,
Eli