Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Vegetables Delight (p. 16)

Almost every writeup I see of the Achewood Cookbook mentions that it includes a fake recipe. Chris Onstad's forward blatantly states that one of the recipes is impossible. I believe I have found that recipe in Ray's Vegetables Delight. See, the conceit of the book is that Chris is paying his characters to provide recipes for the project. Ray apparently was assigned something called Vegetables Delight. Why you wouldn't give this recipe to Pat, the Vegan, I don't know. Ray sure isn't happy about it. In fact, 95% of this "recipe" is Ray complaining about how terrible vegetables are. He's angry at the recipe, angry about Chinese restaurants that serve things called "Vegetables Delight," and mad at you, the reader, for having to explain what a vegetable is. I hope Mr. Onstad won't mind that I'm going to post the actual cooking portion of this recipe in its entirety, just so you get what I'm dealing with:
"Peel five carrots and microwave them for ten minutes OKAY I'M DONE GOODBYE"
Yep, I made it anyway. I'm that committed to this project. And that is what carrots look like after sitting in the microwave for ten minutes. They were a strange amalgam of moisture and dryness. The texture was downright disturbing. It kind of felt like a mushy potato with a very thick skin, but if feeling them blind you'd probably think it was some kind of eviscerated internal organ. The tough, dry exterior (after much chewing and gnawing) yielded to a molten mush of baby food-style carrot innards. I took one bite and was still trying to finish swallowing five minutes later. The rest went straight into the trash. I'm committed, but not that committed. These carrots cost me 67 cents. That's 67 cents I will never see again. If we come up 67 cents short of being able to afford rent this month, I expect Achewood to provide me with a new apartment.


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