Flat Bottom Tacos You Make the Rockin' World Go 'Round

Ok, a quick diversion based on my latest food revelation. For years, nay DECADES, one great problem has plagued our dinner plates. Too often we find ourselves trying to fill a hard shell taco, only to have it tip over and spill its contents mid-preparation. I don't need to describe the terror and utter dismay as you watch the intended toppings come spilling out from their fried tortilla bounds - The mudslide of ground beef, the cascades of cheese, and each piece of diced tomato tumbling down like a boulder crushing your heart. It's every home cook's worst nightmare and we've all experienced it. It's ok, you can admit it. This is a safe place. Now, enter our hero:

Old El Paso Stand 'n' Stuff Taco Shells (note - the official name is "Stand 'n Stuff," but that second apostrophe should be there, so I added it). I saw these perched upon my grocer's shelf and reached for them with trembling hand. Had they really done it? Was this golden box my holy grail? Well, Taco Fans (ie- everyone), I can proudly report that the good people at Old El Paso have indeed done the impossible. Taco night no longer must be a stress-inducing event. These shells have a flat bottom so they STAND UP ON YOUR PLATE. I filled four of them at the same time, and no tippage occurred. This great riddle of the dinner plate has at last been solved.

Sure, there have been solutions before. Stands and racks have been created to hold your taco as you prepare, but these devices were more at home in a medieval torture chamber than a respectable person's kitchen. They were clumsy and inelegant - the blaster to the Stand 'n' Stuff's lightsaber. These shells are a clean and easy solution to a problem as old as time itself (I'm pretty sure I saw a picture of Edward the Confessor spilling his taco on the Bayeux Tapestry).

And so I urge Old El Paso - release the copyright on these marvelous inventions. Let the rest of the world manufacture the miracle of the flat-bottomed taco. You can't cure cancer and then not share the vaccine with the rest of the world. It's just not the way things should be done.

Maybe one of your competitors could solve the nagging problems that the Stand 'n' Stuff currently presents. They're extra wide, so the temptation to fill with more toppings far beyond healthy is great. Also, the width and shape leave the taco more susceptible to splitting in twain and a little harder to eat from an ergonomic standpoint.

But these problems don't detract on the majesty that is the upright taco. Thank you, Old El Paso, for making the world a better place.

Cheers,
Eli

Catching Up With the Chef (Part 1)

Yeah, yeah, I know I'm not a "chef" but I cook. And I drew that "Chef Eli" thing ages ago. You know, this thing:






















Ok, well, I haven't posted anything about cooking recently, so here's a bit of a catchup on some of the fancier things I've made from cookbooks and whatnot.

Not long after I finished Selzer & Smuckles (the cooking, not the final blog post 6 and a half years later) I wanted to try something a little easier. I have a Trader Joe's cookbook that provided us with a nice lasagna with garlic bread. Nothing too fancy here, just a vegetable lasagna and a simple Italian bread. You know what, I apologize for bringing this up. There's no real story here. It's lasagna and garlic bread; I've done these things before. Everyone has. Melissa and I were watching a trio of Scorcese movies (Goodfellas, Raging Bull, and The Departed) and we needed a good, filling Italian meal. We paired it with some cheap Italian wine and lazed about for a day. I don't know if it was the lasagna, the wine, or the combination of the two, but I seem to recall that I got sick from this. Not violently ill, but sick enough that it stands out in my memory. Ok, moving on.

If you've been paying attention (and I think I've mentioned this here), I really want to learn to make some basic sauces. So much of cooking is just heating up a protein and then adding a sauce for extra flavor that it seems like I should know how they work. I decided that I wanted to make a nice hollandaise. I had a recipe from a Disney Newsreel (the company magazine) for an eggs benedict from one of the hotels and I wanted to try it. I promptly screwed everything up. First, I needed something easy for the night I was planning to cook it and ended up buying a sauce mix at the store, thus defeating the purpose of the recipe in the first place. Then I forgot to buy Canadian bacon or any other kind of meat, meaning I wasn't really making an eggs benedict. I ended up with, essentially, an unfinished, slightly high end Egg McMuffin. On the plus side, it was my first time poaching eggs and they came out very nicely. Looking around at other cooking sites, this is apparently harder than I thought it was. I guess not realizing how hard it is gave me the confidence to do it properly. I plan to try the same thing with flying an airplane in the future. That's easy, right? Oh, and note that I served this with the Perfect Home Fries Every Time from the Achewood cookbook. See, I learned something from that whole process.

One of Melissa's favorite meals is grilled pizza (who needs segues?). My parents made it often when we lived at home and it truly is a fantastic invention. Well, my parents got me a nice grill for Christmas, and I thought I'd try my hand at it. I bought a nice pizza peel at Sur La Table (that store is like a giant, shiny, overpriced porn store for me) and got to work. I used a pre-made dough from Trader Joe's and topped it with pretty standard stuff - pepperoni, bell pepper, onion, basil, and mozzarella balls. You pre-cook the dough on the grill before topping it, and I gotta tell you, it came off looking great. Well, apparently, it should have stayed on a few minutes less; by the time all of the cheese and toppings had cooked, the bottom of the crust was pretty well charred. This is not to say it wasn't delicious, you just had to get past that "burned" taste. I mostly bring it up because I'm pretty proud about how artistically I arranged the toppings:
Ok, my lunch is over, I'm out of time. I have A LOT more to post. This was going to be a two part post, and I think it just became three. Mark your calendars and just keep hitting refresh until I come back.

Cheers,
Eli

Ok, Fine, I'll Hug A Tree

I've always cared about the environment. Captain Planet taught me to recycle and I listened, damn it. However, I think I may have finally crossed the line into "Dirty Hippie" territory. I'll explain.

When I started working at Miramax, I started taking public transportation to work. It wasn't because I was trying to cut my carbon emissions, I was just tired of driving in LA traffic. Eventually, I started riding my bike to the train station in North Hollywood. Now that I'm working at Disney, I live less than 2 miles away from my office. There's literally no excuse for me to drive a car to work 90% of the time. So I don't. I ride my bike unless I have an offsite meeting or have to bring something large to work. People in LA look at me like I'm crazy. This city loves its cars to the point of cultism. Any mode of transportation that doesn't have an internal combustion engine is heaped with scorn and derision. But that's another blog post (oh yes, the angry bike rider post is coming...I'm sure you're thrilled). The point is, when you stand up at the Griffith Observatory and look out over the LA basin and you can only see about a mile in front of you through the brown haze that clings to the city, you can know that my commute is not contributing to that. I'm not trying to sound smug, but it's kind of hard not to feel a little better about myself.

Second, I bought myself a pair of blue suede shoes. I appreciate Elvis (though I'm not a HUGE fan), but this has nothing to do with that. Check them out, they're awesome:
As you can see with my blatant product placement, I got these from Simple Shoes. This is a company that makes eco-conscious, sustainable shoes. Larry David wears them, if that means anything to you. These are an early model, so they aren't the MOST hippie shoes they make, but they are made from what the company calls "eco-suede." I don't know exactly what that means, but I take their word for it. And the next pair of shoes I buy, when I replace the black Adidas I've had for about 5 years, will probably come from Simple, and they will be made of hemp. Deal with it.

Of course, while 90% of my transportation takes place using the bike and shoes and my own two legs, there are times in the sprawled out mess of a city I live in that I need a car. If you know me, you know that I hate cars. I think they're an outdated, inefficient technology that has long past the point of their utility. I just don't get the "mystique" of the American automobile. I can't comprehend standing around looking at cars or spending any money for an accessory that isn't necessary to make the vehicle get from point A to point B. All of that said, I LOVE my new Prius. Well, used Prius, but new to me:
It's not all about the gas mileage (which is FANTASTIC - I get 45 MPG without even trying), this car feels like the future. You know I love gadgets and technology, and this car feels like driving a gadget. I like to sit in it and pretend I'm piloting a Star Trek shuttlecraft (I'm not kidding). It doesn't hurt that since I can go 400 miles on one tank of gas, and that lasts me a LONG time. This car is really fun to drive, and that's hard to do for me. And yes, that's the picture from when I picked the car up...on the Disney Studios lot. That helps make it feel all the more magical.

So, let's tally it up - Doesn't drive much/prefers to bike, buys eco-certified shoes, drives a fuel efficient hybrid when he has to drive...let's add the fact that I go out of my way to recycle and I only buy sustainable fish and I think I can officially get my Tree Hugger card. Do I have to register somewhere like a sex offender? Is there an actual card, or is that just a hypothetical idea? I hope it's not a real card - printing is bad for the environment.

Cheers,
Eli

And I Ran, I Ran So Far Away...

So, probably the biggest thing I did during my blog hiatus was run the LA Marathon. I mentioned in one of my early posts that my plan was to run the whole thing without stopping to walk. Well, that didn't quite work out. See, Mike and I trained like crazy, but our training plan only went as far as 20 miles on a training run. The theory was that if you could run 20 miles, the other 6.2 would probably be easy. I don't think that it's a coincidence that we had to stop to walk right around the 20th mile marker. Of course, it didn't help that this was at the most boring section of the run (the Veteran's Administration in Westwood) and that it featured a rather brutal uphill section (more on that in a minute). The last five miles were probably the most physically taxing thing I have ever done. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

The whole concept of the race was "Run the Landmarks." It started off at Dodger Stadium, would through the Walk of Fame, down the Sunset Strip, past Rodeo Drive, and ended up at the Santa Monica Pier. The other selling point was that the general course of the marathon was downhill. The organizers implied that this would lead to personal bests and the easiest marathon course ever put together. That was a flat out lie. While there were some good downhill sections (the last five miles were a VERY gradual decline), there were PLENTY of steep uphills that we just weren't prepared for. I could have done more hill training if I thought it would be an issue, but I didn't. As a result, the whole thing felt harder than it should have.

Mike and I met up on 2nd Base at Dodger Stadium. This was actually one of the highlights of the race for me. The Disneyland Half Marathon runs through Angel Stadium, so it's cool that running has given me the chance to be on the field at both major league parks in the LA area. (A note about pictures - yes, they say "PROOF," but I have bought them. I just don't feel like scanning them).

I tried to use a restroom before the start, but the line was at least 45 minutes long and I didn't have to go badly enough. Of course, as soon as we started running, I had to pee as bad as I ever have, but I just ignored the urge. It took nearly 17 miles, but the feeling (which was mostly psychosomatic) went away. I sure as hell didn't want to stop to wait in line for a port-a-potty. We lined up for the start and we stood. And we waited. The race was delayed multiple times (it really felt poorly organized at times) and standing around waiting on pavement isn't the best way to warm up for a long distance race.

Along the route, people held up signs to cheer you on. The "There's Beer at the Finish Line" and "Run Like You Stole Something" signs may have been funny the first time, but after seeing each one AT LEAST 20 times, it got old. One of the official marathon signs (at Mile 4 or 5) read "The Kenyans are at Mile 16." Now that just seems cruel (and maybe a little racist, I still haven't decided). It was fun running through all of the different neighborhoods and seeing the differences among the people. We passed through several African American gospel choirs from the local downtown churches. We hit Silverlake, home of the hipsters, and immediately noticed that the spectators all had porkpie hats, ironic mustaches, and held signs that said things like "What are you running from?" Passing through Pacific Palisades at the end of the course brought wealthy people watching from their lawns, wanting desperately to feel like they were a part of something. You would hear people saying, "We're almost there, keep going!" and think, "No I'M almost there, WE are not doing anything - specifically, YOU aren't doing anything."
As I mentioned before, the last 5 miles were the most physically grueling thing I have ever done. It was an act of sheer willpower that my legs were able to keep moving at all. I don't think I had any real control over the issue. I came around the last corner, down Ocean drive, and prepared for the last .2 miles of the race. I run 3-7 miles every other weekday and 10-20 on the weekend, and this .2 miles felt like the longest distance I could imagine. I saw what I thought was the finish line and pressed myself to reach it. It turns out it was just a stoplight and I had another 2 or 3 blocks to run. I honestly don't know how I made it. I felt like I wanted to fall asleep. I finally crossed the finish line, 5 hours and 20 odd minutes after I started. I'm not going to lie, this was a lot slower than I wanted it to be. That's what's driving me to try this whole thing again.

By the way, the one thing every runner wants from a race is a finish line picture. It's proof that you really did cross that line and finished the race. Most runners do some kind of pose, knowing that they are being photographed. I counted at least 5 photographers at the finish line and this was still the best they could do:
Way to go, MarathonFoto. (That's me about to collapse/cough up a lung a good 5 seconds after I crossed).

I made my way through the post-race cool down area. I devoured bananas and fruit cups and drank at least two bottles of water. They handed me my medal. This is what it looked like:
But this is how it felt:
(That's right, Mike Funt, it's my blog - I get to be Han Solo. Chewbacca is growling to make everyone cheer for ME).

Even though I was disappointed in my time, I know I accomplished something pretty awesome. It's no easy task to run for more than 5 hours straight, no matter what speed you're going. It feels pretty damn great. Mike and I sat down before going to find our wives and I think we were both believing that we just shared something very cool. Also, that our legs might not work well enough to stand back up.

So, it's back into training. I'm aiming for a 1:45 time in this year's Disneyland Half Marathon and then we go back into marathon mode. Why? Because next January we're doing the Goofy Challenge in Orlando. That's the Walt Disney World Half Marathon on Saturday, followed by the Walt Disney World Marathon on Sunday. 2 days, 39.3 miles. I think I may be insane.

Cheers,
Eli

Selzer & Smuckles - The Index

To make things a little easier in case you wanted to find a specific story or recipe, I've created an index for the run of Selzer & Smuckles. This should be the first post to pop up when you click the "To Find All Selzer And Smuckles Posts..." link above.

Please go back and re-read these, or enjoy them for the first time. The fondest memories we have are those of when we read peoples' blogs. Shakespeare said that (or didn't...one of those two).

Introduction - Selzer & Smuckles
Easy Appetizers & Drink of Tomorrow
Fool's Rice
Perfect Hot Dogs Every Time
Basque Green Bean Salad
Toasted Nut Orzo
Satellite TV (warning, includes my scathing Mama Mia review)
Proper Omelette Technique
Galaxy Nachos
Flavor Burgers & Perfect Oven Fries Every Time
Hell Baby
Childhood Sandwich
The Dogg is Home
Homemade Mexican Pizza
Beer Can Chicken
Smoked Salmon on Potato Coins & Perfect Deviled Eggs Every Time
Microwave Egg Muffin
Vegetables Delight
Five Dollar Chili
Ruuude Chicken
Omega Potato
Chef Ray's No-Butter, No-Fry Hot Wings!
Brined Pork Tenderloin with Carmelized Onions
Scotch Eggs
12 Step Cookies
Prelude to the End
Diamond Juice & How You Gotta Enjoy Wine
T-Bone Steak & A Meditation on Home Fries
My Final Thoughts

Selzer & Smuckles - My Final Thoughts

You see that? That picture is my attempt at recreating the cover of the Achewood Cookbook, seen here:
It is also the reason that I haven't posted anything here for nearly 3 months. Seriously. I knew my next blog post had to be the closing of the Selzer & Smuckles chapter, I had put it off long enough. I also knew that I wanted to take that picture. Unfortunately, as you can probably tell if you're reading this, will power is not always my strong suit. I refused to post until I had that picture, and every night I would get home and think, "I'll have to get the camera out of the bag. And then I'll have to clean off the counter. And then I'll have to get everything setup. Hey, The Simpsons is on!" Finally, I just went ahead and did it (it must have been a Lisa-heavy Simpsons episode) and here we are. Please note that I do not own copper pots and pans, nor do I have a hanging baker's rack (I could use one, but every time I think about it I remember I live in a state where the ground has a tendency to toss itself about without warning and I don't like the idea of a cast iron skillet crashing into my noggin when all I wanted was a bowl of Cheerios). I also own a blue cocktail shaker, not the classic silver, but the Ketel One, martini glass, and lemon were all meticulously placed.

So what did I learn from Selzer & Smuckles? First, I'm probably a better cook than I thought I was. Most of the recipes seemed a bit below my level of expertise, no matter how tasty the result. That said, I did learn how much can be found from the most basic of recipes. The 12-Step Cookies are now Melissa's favorite dessert, and I make them frequently for potluck type events. Toasted Nut Orzo has quickly made its way into my regular recipe rotation. In fact, we had it for dinner on Friday and are having it again this week (the ingredients are proportioned in a way that when you buy them, you have enough to make it twice). And the Fool's Rice has accompanied every stir fry I've made since the first time I've tried it. The Meditation on Home Fries has proven the perfect way to cook potatoes for an easy (if not necessarily fast) side (Melissa loves these, too). The Scotch Eggs and Ray's Hot Wings have both merited repeat eatings, as well. Not a bad haul for a cookbook that mostly plays itself for jokes.

I have also learned how much trial and error there really is in cooking. There is no doubt in my mind that the Perfect Oven Fries and Flavor Burgers are solid recipes and that I screwed them up somehow. Due to differences in appliances and cookware, slavishly following a recipe can be hazardous. I've started to learn to cook more by instinct, and I'm enjoying the creative feeling of it. And several techniques took many tries to master. Just last weekend I finally made a Proper Omelette perfectly for the first time. I've been attempting it every time I make omelettes since I first posted about them last August (and I make omelettes fairly frequently). But it took until now to roll the egg on to itself without a spatula and have it finish cooking without really browning. Watching that perfectly yellow cloud of egg slide off of my pan and on to my plate is one of my proudest moments in the kitchen.

I also learned to appreciate good liquor. The Ketel One in my freezer has provided me much more enjoyment than the Smirnoff on the counter (which is now just for mixin').

Where do I go from here? Well, there's no shortage of cookbooks in the world, though I don't think I want to go trekking through another one in its entirety anytime soon. If I do, the top candidate is Tom Colicchio's Think Like a Chef, which reads almost like a textbook and comes from a chef I really admire. I'm currently reading the book, not cooking yet, and I've already learned more about cooking than I would have expected from any book. Melissa just got me Hubert Keller's Burger Bar cookbook for our anniversary, and that looks like a lot of fun. She also bought be a nice kitchen scale so I can dive into Michael Ruhlman's Ratio in earnest. In short, I'm trying to move myself more towards creating than just following instructions. As for the blog, don't expect to see the food posting stop anytime soon. I got a lot of positive responses from this project and really enjoyed it myself. That being said, I don't think I want to make this strictly a "food blog." There's already a billion of those out there and I don't really want to tie myself down to one topic.

But I guess that's it for now. I thoroughly enjoyed Selzer & Smuckles and I hope that you did too. I laughed more than I should from a cookbook and enjoyed a lot of great food. I really finished this project months ago, and looking back on it now made me realize how much I've missed it. But what can I do? I reached the end of the book and that's all there is to it. Even if I wanted to go through the hard work again, I couldn't do it. I mean, unless they put out a second Achewood cookbook. Wait a minute. What's that? Son of a bitch.

Cheers,
Eli

Wait, Wait....They Have Chicken...AND Waffles?

I've been living in LA for nearly 4 years now (wow it seems like less than that), and I have come to realize that Angelenos are suckers for a fad. All it takes is a single celebrity to stop into a Gravy Shop, and suddenly there's a knockoff gravy shop on every corner and inside of every strip mall (note to self - invent a Gravy Shop). I have seen this happen with frozen yogurt, cupcakes, milkshakes, and it appears to be happening again with popcorn (at least according to today's Tasting Table newsletter). My point is this - most of the things that people in LA consider to be landmarks of the culinary world are wildly over-rated.

As a hot dog aficionado, I have been told my whole life that Pink's is the end-all, be-all of LA hot dog joints. I couldn't wait to try it out. I went at 2 in the afternoon and the line was down the block . I've come to understand that this is common at Pink's. People see people in line and assume that it must be the place to be. I waited far too long for the food I got. The hot dog was ok, but not the most flavorful thing I've eaten (also a little over-soggy, it lacked the real snap I expect from a quality dog). The chili was just terrible. Off hand, I can name 3 hot dog places in LA that are miles ahead of Pink's (Skooby's, Carney's, and The Stand for starters). But it's still the place that everyone assumes is the best because it's the most famous. I had a similar experience with Knott's Berry Farm fried chicken. All hype, no flavor (or texture or color or anything worth eating).

That being said, I have found an LA institution that is every bit as delicious as its reputation would suggest: Roscoe's House of Chicken and Waffles. I had a lunch there on Friday that was as decadent and satisfying as any I've had. Now, I'm on record (maybe not at this blog, but elsewhere) as being no great fan of Southern food. Not everything should be fried, and frying is not an excuse for skipping seasonings and flavor. Thankfully, Roscoe's doesn't fall into this category. Chicken is always good fried, and Roscoe's has done it as well as any I have had. I had a quarter chicken smothered in gravy (note to self, try to license this gravy for my shop) and never wanted it to end. The meat was juicy and tender, the breading was flavorful, and then there was the fat. Dear lord. If you find eating fat disgusting, you are missing out food. You should probably just stop eating. I could have eaten the breaded and fried fat from this chicken like candy.



And if that wasn't enough, as you can see above, it comes with waffles. At least, it does if you order them. And at a place called Roscoe's Chicken of Waffles, why would you order anything but chicken and waffles? I'm also on record as being anti-Belgian waffles. Nothing against the people of Belgium, but their waffles are too crunchy and awkwardly shaped. I like a nice, thin, round classic waffle. Waffle House does it as well as anyone can, but unfortunately they're not out here. Roscoe's comes pretty close. The flavor was delightful, slathered in butter and maple syrup, naturally. They were maybe a hair undercooked, but it's hard to complain about something so smooth and doughy.

So, yes, Roscoe's was worth the trip. The atmosphere was light and familial and the food was top notch (even if it did sit like a lead weight in my gut). Yes, it was probably about a billion calories, but I'm training for a marathon, I can afford it. It was delightful and I can't wait to go back. Now, I'm off to research copyright law as it pertains to gravy.

Cheers,
Eli