Not Much to Report

Ok, nothing big going on yet, and it's been a pretty dull week, overall. I just think it's funny that when you click on the names of a city on Yahoo's "Most Miserable Places to Live" list, you are taken to the Yahoo Real Estate listings for that city. They say there's no such thing as bad publicity, but I think that that list is pretty close.

Self Mutilation Starts At Home

I DIdn't Need It Anyway
Originally uploaded by EliCubs

I was cutting my vegetable sticks (carrots and celery) for the week on Sunday and I apparently decided that I should include a small piece of my thumb in the mix. Using a crinkle cut knife (it makes the carrots look pretty), my hand slipped and I took a pretty deep chunk out of the old hitchhiker's tool. I clipped a slice out of my tack pushing device. I took a divot out of old Jack Horner's plum detector. I hacked a corner out of diminutive Tom's reference of size. I dug a hole into the digit that makes it possible to utilize my nose in snubbing something. I...have taken this far enough. I'm running out of "thumb" phrases and synonyms for "cutting a piece off of." FYI- "took a divot out" probably comes closest to what the injury actually looks like.

Honestly, the actual act of cutting didn't hurt that much. I think it was over so quickly that it never quite registered. However, when I think about it now, I think, "Man, I don't think I'd be able to handle that kind of pain," blissfully ignoring the fact that I already have. Frankly, thinking about the whole thing makes me a little woozy. I think I feel worse remembering it than I actually did when it happened. Bizarre.

What's fascinating me now is how something like this heals. It's not like a simple cut that can be stitched together and heal up. There's a whole chunk of skin missing (be thankful I'm wearing the band-aid in the picture). How does the body do that? If I left the band-aid off and just stared at the wound for a while (several days) would I be able to watch it close up? Could I take a cool time lapse video of the process for YouTube? And how does the body know what to do? Are there cells that get called in to repair the damage? How do they know? I just don't get how the human body works sometimes. I remember being frustrated in college biology because there wasn't adequate explanation for how every part of the cell knew what to do. At the same time, I was terrified that if just a few of my cells forgot how to do what they were supposed to do I could be dead in a matter of minutes. I guess I just don't get it.

Anyway, it looks like things are starting to heal a bit, and all should be well. I should be back being able to give full approval (instead of just half) to movies in an Ebertian way in no time. And I promise, no more stupid thumb jokes for a while.

Cheers,
Eli

I'm a dork

So, MTV posted this picture from the new Indiana Jones movie, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. First, let me just say that Harrison Ford looks pretty damn good for his age. I was half expecting pictures from this movie to come out and look like my grandpa in a fedora and leather jacket. Nope. He still looks like Indiana Jones, just a little more grizzled. Very promising.

What's more important in this picture is the location. Indy appears to be in the government warehouse from the end of Raiders. Is he looking for the Ark? Has this Crystal Skull been handled by "top men?" (Who? Top...men). Seriously, just the prospect of what this could mean is exciting to me because I'm such a dork. And no one had to explain this picture to me. I saw Indy on the crates and I knew the implications. It made me pee a little. I'm just stupidly giddy.

Now, the title of the movie is a little awkward. I kinda like it, but it's not the best title I've ever heard. Of course, the new James Bond movie is called Quantum of Solace, so I guess it could be a hell of a lot worse.

Cheers,
Eli

Bandwagon Jumping

So, apparently the internet has trends. Who knew? The kids today, they see things and they want to do things and they spread them around through the tubes and whatnot. Anyway, one such trend is called LolCats. Basically, you take a picture of a cat and caption it in a funny way, with terrible spelling and grammar (LolSpeak seems to be a subtle variation of American Retarded). Anyway, after seeing "There Will Be Blood," I made one of my own. Please go and vote for it and try and get me some attention.

moar funny pictures

I'm an internet attention whore, and I'm not particularly proud of it.

Cheers,
Eli

The State of Comedy in the World

I was listening to "Wait Wait Don't Tell Me" (one of my favorite NPR shows) yesterday and was struck by a simple incident that no one even commented on. This show is usually hilarious with some of the wittiest minds in the country commenting on the week's news. And most of this week's episode was great. But this one thing stood out to me.

One of the listeners who called in said she was from a town on the border of Kansas and Colorado. She said that the townspeople liked to joke that they were "The Best of Kansas and the Worst of Colorado." One of the panelists asked what "the Worst of Colorado" was, and the listener replied, "A lot of people would say the East plains." The panel chuckled and made some mildly amusing comments. Then, one panelist (I believe it was Roy Blount, Jr) asked what "the Best of Kansas" was. She replied, "Well, there's a lot of nice parts to Kansas" or some other such platitudes.

Stop right there. Someone on a comedy program asks you "What's the best of Kansas?" and your reply isn't immediately, "Dust in the Wind" or "Carry On Wayward Son"? I mean, you were handed the joke on a silver platter! I know you're just an average listener, but step up to the plate! And panelists! You should be ashamed of yourselves. You're professionals, you're not supposed to let one another die on stage. When someone asks, "What's the best of Kansas?", you are obligated to make a witty reference to the 70s/80s progressive rock powerhouse! It's the comic's code.

This is just more proof that this Writer's Strike needs to end. The professionals and the public alike are getting rusty. If this continues, we may lose comedy forever! Where will the next Borscht Belt come from? If we cannot make silly one-liners when we are set up so perfectly, what will happen to America? I beg of you, all of you reading this, to stay strong and stay funny. It may be our only hope.

Cheers,
Eli

Anyone Can Cook!

I decided to be mildly original in my cooking last night and thought I'd share here. The past 2 weeks, I've been using my new pizza stone and Trader Joe's dough to cook up some pretty standard pizzas. They were very successful, so I decided to branch out and be a little different. So, I present to you- Eli's Aioli Pizza:

Ok, this pizza doesn't use a tomato sauce, it uses an aioli. Here's how you make it-
Combine 3/4 cups mayo, 1tsp cayenne, 1TBSP Dijon, 1 TBSP lemon juice, and 3 cloves of minced garlic. Stir em up for a spicy, garlicky sauce that makes a great dip and is great with crab cakes. But today, we're using it as pizza sauce.

After this, it basically becomes a standard pizza.
Preheat the oven to 425. If using a stone, preheat it, as well. Roll out your dough (I used TJ's Nearly Whole Wheat Dough). When the stone and oven are heated, transfer the dough to the stone. Brush with olive oil and poke with a fork. Bake for 5-10 minutes, the crust should be fairly solid but not fully cooked. Take the crust out, spread the aioli on (you probably won't need all of it). Top with sweet italian sausage (the sauce is spicy enough, you don't need spicy sausage), sliced onion, and mushrooms. Cover with mozzarella and bake for about 5-7 minutes, until the cheese is melted and slightly brown. Take it out and let it cool for a few (don't want to burn your mouth). And enjoy!

By the way, today's WikiHow- How to Write a Field Guide When You Are a Young Naturalist.
How specific!

A Light On the Horizon?

The Director's Guild just announced that they have a deal in place with the AMPTP. This could mean nothing to the Writer's Guild strike, but if the guild thinks it's a good contract, the same offer is on the table to them. Could we start to see original writing again? Could I really go hardcore towards establishing myself as a professional writer? I certainly hope so. Looking over the outline of the deal (full details aren't yet available), it looks good to me. But, I'm not a guild member (yet) and I don't know for sure. Keep your fingers crossed, this is the first positive news in this strike since November.