Monday, July 16, 2007

Today's the day we're going camping (in the mountains!)

I just got back from last night from my first camping trip in well over a decade. I think I went once in middle school with a friend I barely remember, and I may have camped with the Cub Scouts, but the bulk of my "outdoors" experience came from John Denver and the Muppets. I had a great time. I fished in the ocean, I went kayaking, I climbed a mountain, I saw otters and a coyote, and I used an outhouse. Many manly things. I beat my chest and howled at the moon (metaphorically, of course). Anyway, it was a really cool experience and I'm glad I did it.
However, I am one sunburned man. I am of eastern European descent with some Irish added in, making me so pale I'm nearly clear. This is the kind of skin that will never tan, it will just turn a color so red that cars stop when they see my face at an intersection. It is painful, it is ugly, and it is the price I pay for forgetting (for the third time this year) that one's skin can still be burned when the sky is overcast. The sun doesn't care. The sun says, "Clouds? To hell with clouds! My invisible light will bake your flesh! Clouds? Pfft. I'm better than clouds." God damned, arrogant sun bastard.
I noticed after shaving (of course I had grown a beard! Camping! Manly! Weren't you paying attention?) that the area under my beard was actually a pretty nice tan. It wasn't pale, but it wasn't red and stingy like the rest of my face. Believe me, with this patchwork of colors, my face is not a pretty thing to behold right now. Basically I have a tan beard on a red face. Therefore, in order to get a perfect "California" tan, I must become a werewolf. If my whole face and body were covered in fur, then I could go out in the sun all I wanted. When I was done, I would shave and be perfectly bronzed. It's the perfect plan. So, if any of you has lupine blood coursing through your veins, let me know what Misty moor you'll be prowling at the next full moon and I'll be there. Thanks.

And on a side note, Misty Moor just became my new favorite porn name.

1 comment:

  1. I don't know any werewolves, but my uncle did wardobe for Lon Chaney. Does that help at all?